City Girl With A Country Soul

Growing up in the heart of South Philly, there was a LOT of opportunity to get into “street” trouble ..

My father was having none of that so from a very young age, my brother and I spent weekends and summers at his family’s 80 acre horse farm upstate. They were family in that “Italian” way .. not blood related but closer then close is close.

I LOVED the farm .. no matter how old you were, there was always something that had to be done and you did it from sun up to sun down.. and when dinner was finished *and if you were still awake* there were bonfires or night rides or fire works… you were outside more then you were in .. in fact, I remember not being ALLOWED IN the house until dinner time! .. some thing a lot of kids today know nothing about .. well, at least my step kids know nothing about that.. or hard work.. or making your own fun.. or a variety of other things that I don’t want to bring myself down thinking of..

I lived and breathed horses.

There’s nothing I loved more as a kid and well into adult hood.. then slapping on my Ariats.. turning the horses out.. mucking stalls.. loading bales of hay on the ‘gator’.. feeding.. grooming.. taking riders out on the trails..

You name it, I loved to do it ..

There were some real characters up there, let me tell you.. and my family led the pack.

ALL of them needed some type of Prozac.. and probably still do!

I’ve lost contact with them after I got divorced. For some reason, they sided with my ex.. probably because he was a mental head just like they are.. and I wasn’t welcome there anymore. It broke my heart and still does. My mother never understood why I would be upset .. she hated it up there. Loathed it. But funny that my mom brought it up a little bit ago when we were looking for a place upstate to move …

Yea.. it would have been nice but what are you going to do, right?

Anyway..

I started thinking about all those days at the ranch after having a convo with my Texas Rose Gfriend .. and how I always knew that my ass was meant to be in the country and not the city.

City life never appealed to me .. yea, I had my days at the clubs and running the streets when I was a teenager but it felt more like an anomaly more then a way of life. I’d much rather be in jeans, flannel and boots then panty hose and skirts.

Oh.. but the heels were ALWAYS near and dear to my heart!

Wasn’t giving up the heels! LoL!

Thankfully,

Chief feels the same way about living in the country .. he HATES the city. He’s a suburban boy by birth but his dad had had a piece of property further upstate that he had built a house on and that’s where he took Chief and his brother’s .. and where they learned to hunt.. fish.. a survive in the wilderness.

Unfortunately, his mother wanted half the property when she divorced his father so he had to sell it.

What’s with taking something you hate from somebody that loves it in a divorce? I’ll never understand that!

Again, anyway ..

When trying to explain ranch life to people, I always told them that is was as easy as it was hard .. no doubt it’s hard, physical work.. but it was easy because you didn’t have to think so much …

You knew what had to be done and you did it .. complete opposite from working in an office with figures and contracts and abstracts.

Get up.. Work.. Go to sleep

Doesn’t get much easier then that!

So my heart is kind of missing that life .. missing the horses, especially.. missing getting chased by the peacocks.. watching births.. chasing down the horses when they broke free from the pens.. being covered with dirt and hay and manure ..

It was my  life for a long, long time and there’s nothing wrong with missing..

Maybe one day I’ll have it back..

And when I do, I’m going to have a big ass cook out and y’all are invited!!

INDIFFERENCE: The Ultimate Punishment

.. I’d like to say this is a new strategy but really, it’s just how I feel.

I’m done with the groundings, the taking away of the internet, banning the PS3. I just don’t care anymore..

And now they’re starting to feel it.

“THEY” being Bubba and Spaz.

Last night I didn’t feel like making dinner so I didn’t.. Chief brought home cheesesteaks, fries and wings. So I just sat at the table.. silent :: if you know me in person you KNOW that that so not my being :: I didn’t have anything to say to them.. didn’t care about who did what at school or who did what after school.

One of Bubba’s teachers had called the shop earlier to tell Chief that Bubba wasn’t prepared for class and that he has a major test on Friday that includes him doing an outline of something.

I wasn’t bringing it up but thankfully, Chief did.

I didn’t say anything.. just went on eating my chicken cheese steak.

After dinner, I took a ride to the landlord’s to pay the rent and then came home and watched STYLE BY JURY. Have absolutely NO clue way.. not something I normally would watch but it may have something to do with the remote being under the bed and me too lazy to do war with the dust bunnies guarding it.

Then I went to sleep.

This morning when Bubba woke up, I didn’t say anything to him until 7:10 when I told him it was time to leave for school. The 10 minutes or so it takes to get there by car was silent except for two questions:

HIM: How do I get money from PayPal?

ME: You need a bank account

and then about 5 minutes later..

HIM: Do you have a PayPal account?

ME: Yep

HIM: Can I use it because someone sent me a 100.00 through PayPal.

ME: Nope

I then put the radio on and hummed bad 80’s songs until we arrived at the school yard.

When I got home, Spaz was already up and dressed. The wireless thingy for the computer was in my bedroom so I brought it back out into the dining room and stuck it back into the computer. I told him I was putting it back and he asked why and I very matter of factly told him that I just don’t care anymore.

He was all like, “.. no, take it out again.”

And I was all like, “.. nah.”

Then I mopped the floors :: this whole mopping thing is becoming an obsession I think :: and here I am.

So after all this time, they know what I want.. they know what they’re suppose to do.. so until they do :: without being told :: this is the way it’s going to be.

I’m not being spiteful.. I’m not being childish.. I’m going with my feelings and instincts. I’m very easy to read. No Lady GaGa “Poker Face” here and I’m not good at pretending or faking stuff :: orgasms aside. I have to used to do that but that’s a WHOLE other post ::

Awhile ago, when I was having problems with Bubba, I told Chief that I learned to love his kids and I can learn to UNlove them. And considering my feelings regarding his divorce and getting married, it could go either way.

And really, I’m fine with that.

I got up in the middle of the night last night to go to the bathroom and when I came in the room the light coming in the window was hitting him in such a way that my heart literally melted.

I love this man. Don’t mistake that. But I love myself more and mentally, emotionally, I’m okay with the knowledge that “love” really isn’t enough to make a relationship work.

Buckle up, baby.. this is going to be a bumpy ride.

The Truth Will Indeed Set You Free

Now that I’ve come clean about the whole marriage / divorce thing, it’s kind of like a weight has been lifted off me.. or the light at the end of the tunnel turned on.. because now, I just feel the freedom to really let you guys know what’s on my mind.

I had a lot of time to think tonight. Laundry night at the laundromat tends to be like that. Having nothing to do but watch front loaders do their thing while soundless televisions play shows WITHOUT the close captioning leaves little for mental stimulation or oblivion.

Bird usually accompanies me for some free therapy vent sessions but she has the mother of all head colds so I had to go it alone.

My brain is a dangerous territory to navigate when it’s alone with it’s thoughts.

Anyway… before I get into all that, let me give you some highlights of the past few days of my life:

1. Remember Bubba and the cell phone thing? Well, his bill came in. All 53.00 of it due on October 23rd. Saturday when I left for work, his porky ass was sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and his laptop. Before I left for the shop, I made sure the house was straight.. the bathroom clean and the kitchen spotless. When I came home, 7 hours later, Bubba was still in the same spot only my spotless kitchen was anything but. I told him to get off his ass and clean up the kitchen so it looks like the same way he found it because I wasn’t cooking dinner until he does. He didn’t do anything.. never got off his ass.. never even ATTEMPTED to do anything. Fine. After working 20-some odd hours, I didn’t want Chief to have to suffer for Bubba not doing what I asked him so I cleaned the kitchen.. cooked dinner.. and while we sat enjoying Grilled Rib Eye, Sauteed Mushrooms, Baked Potatoes and Broccoli I whipped out his cell phone bill, shoved it at him and told him that since he didn’t do what I wanted him to do I wasn’t paying his bill. He can enjoy his phone for the next 20 days but after that, oh fucking well. He just stared at me and before he could get a word out, I ripped it up.
2. Spaz :: after doing tonight’s laundry :: is down TWO uniforms. Funny how he has them on when he goes to the Crack Whore’s on Friday and then comes home without them. But.. yknow.. she doesn’t have them. And let’s see, I need help spelling my first name, right? In fact, today he wore black pants to school. He came home late and I figured it was because the Crack Whore wasn’t home. He wasn’t in the house for no more then 15 minutes when she knocked on the door for him and he asked if he could go with her. I happened to be on the phone with Goober at the time so I told him yea, he could go but he had to change out of his school clothes first. He did.. leaving in a navy blue t-shirt with guitars on them. He came BACK wearing a yellow t-shirt saying that she wanted him to change it because the Navy one ( a size medium ) was too tight. No fucking shit. Your kid is like a 160+ pounds and wears a man’s 34 waist. AND HE’S ELEVEN. At any rate, guess what wasn’t in the laundry tonight? Yep.. black pants. Even though HE was the one that got the laundry hamper out of his room and I specifically told him to make sure he gave me everything.
3. Tonight, since I’ve been trying to get the taxes together for the shop, Chief said that I didn’t have to worry about cooking.. that he would just order pizza. So guess what I came home to find? Pizza boxes all over the place, dirty dishes all over the place.. glasses all over the place.. the blankets that I had folded on the back of the couch all over the floor.. and the shop’s PS3 controller in the middle of the living room floor. I hope for fuck’s sake that the damn thing is broken. I really do. In fact, if I was the cold hearted bitch that everyone seems to think I am, I would break the damn thing myself.

So with all that going on.. and with Chief finally starting the ball rolling with his divorce, I got to thinking tonight… do I REALLY want to marry him?

Because, like now, the option is very real.

Before.. yea we had the little non-legal commitment ceremony… and yea, everyone thinks we’re married.. and yea, I use his last name but you know what? It’s easy to pretend those things when the whole legal aspect of it is not a possibility.

Let’s face it.. I always had my out. If I REALLY wanted to, I could walk out the door any time I damn well please because there nothing legally binding me here.

I never put my name on the lease.. the only bill in my name is the cable :: and fuck them, they can live without it :: and the cars are in my name. That’s it. I’m not even listed as co-owner of the store.

So if you get what I’m saying, him not being divorced allowed me to fantasize about the day when we would have the “real” wedding I never had knowing that it wasn’t going to happen. And knowing that it wasn’t going to happen afforded me the opportunity to put up with a lot of shit.

Now.. in about 90 days or so.. his divorce will be final and I know the first thing he’s going to want to do is head to the nearest justice of the peace and put the ring on my finger that I am now thinking of handcuffs.

Because then.. dear friends… THEN I will have no choice but put up with all this shit.. no options to just go if it gets too much to deal with.

So I have questions. Questions that only HE can answer but I honestly .. right now.. don’t think that he can be honest enough with himself to answer.

I’m not one to give ultimatums. In fact, I despise them.. but we’re talking about my life.. health and well-being here.. In fact, it’s pretty damn simple.

Figure out what the fuck you want. Honestly and from deep within your soul. Because if I’m what you want, then he’s going to have to man up.. let the hair grow back on his balls and release the testosterone when it comes to the Crack Whore. I’m not playing this shit no more and I have a deep seated suspicion that this is how it went with all his other relationships. Because, if he’s being honest with himself and I’M being honest with MYself I think that everything I blog about is the same damn thing that has happened time and time again and I think part of him is just waiting. Waiting for the same thing to happen again.

If that’s the case, then I really don’t have his heart. Only part of it.. and I deserve it all. I’m too good a person.. too good a partner.. too good a woman to put up with any less.

When I came home tonight and saw the destruction that was my house, I let loose my dogs of war and started cleaning things up .. banging the whole way.. slamming the dishes in the cabinet.. throwing the silverware into the drawers so that they clanged louder then Quazimoto’s sanctuary bell. I shoved furniture around so that it made that nails-on-blackboard screeching noise on the wood floors and I think I probably broke a glass or two in the process.

I stomped in my bedroom to get my laptop.. rousing Chief from his slumber in the process..

“Leese.. honey?.. What’s the matter? Is everything alright?”

I wanted to say, “.. no, you simple ass dense mother fucker” but I didn’t. I wanted to tell him that I was leaving and was going to go stay at my mom’s since she’s away at my brother’s because I just can’t stand to be in this house a second longer. I just said “no” .. and “go back to sleep”.  But in a forceful way.

And he did. Go back to sleep.

Which.. even though you may think I afforded him a pass.. is actually a good thing because one thing I do know about myself is when I’m like this, I go for the jugular and it’s best to not say things that you can’t take back.

My father always told me that words are like nails in wood. You can take the nail out but it still leaves a hole.

I don’t want to leave holes.. what I want is to sit down calmly and have a conversation about our future and what I require as a person to live my life without creating 1500 word blogs at 1am because I’m pissed.

… So I May Have Been Telling A Little White Lie

… if I remember my 12 years of Catholic indoctrination schooling correctly, I believe that’s called a “venial” sin.

Anyway.. it’s still rather embarrassing and if Chief hadn’t gotten the letter that he had gotten which was SO unbelievably hysterical, I wouldn’t even bring this up.

But I’m more then willing to tell you that I’ve been lying to share this. What can I say, I’m all about the laughter.

Ok.. so here goes:

Chief and I aren’t really LEGALLY married. We did have a commitment ceremony and for all intents and purposes, we ARE married.. except in the legal way :: and really, the way I feel about the current government I’m not at all bothered by that! :: Everyone who knows us, beside actual family and close friends, assume we’re married legally.. I use his last name, that kind of thing.

The only thing that stopped us from getting that little piece of paper is ANOTHER little piece of paper called a divorce decree. HIS.. not mine. And while he classifies himself as “divorced” and the Crack Whore classifies herself as divorced :: btw.. I found her profile on one of those internet dating sites.. talk about laughing!! :: they just never did it legally.

Why?

According to him :: and I really have no reason not to believe him given the circumstances :: he never had the money. He had the boys.. money was always tight and given the prices that he was given when he inquired, he couldn’t afford it. Plus, it wasn’t really high on his priority list because he hadn’t been with a woman that he actually wanted to marry.

Until me.

<< insert AHHHH!!! here>>

And forget her. She wasn’t about to diminish her drug fund to get something like a divorce.

Anyway.. like I said, I believe him. For the simple fact that for as long as WE’VE been together, other things took priority and there was never “extra” money to file.

Now.. when I got MY divorce, I did it for 195.oo from a law firm in my state that specializes in this kind of thing so when we seriously started talking about getting married, I told him about the firm.

He requested information from them via their website.. received it.. but again, there was never an extra money to go ahead with it.

He requested information a second when he thought he would be getting some extra cash.. but this was around the time that he got arrested so every spare change went to his bail.

So now, unbeknownst to me, he’s been putting an extra 5 away here and 10 away there and saved up 195.00 for the divorce. He was all excited about it and I was all excited about it and when I tried to find the paper work that they had sent to him, I couldn’t. For the life of me, I couldn’t find it anywhere. So he just went online again and requested the information.

This is the letter he got from them:

Dear Sir / Madam:

We have sent our free information to you three times. there will be no fourth time. each free information packet we mail is an expense we have to consider when pricing our divorce services. we cannot maintain our low prices without limiting the number of packets we send to the given caller.

Ok. Not that bad, right? I can see their point. They can’t help it if we’re idiots who can’t find paper work. But let’s continue on:

Your fee is $300.00 for the Basic Advertised Service, $400.00, $500.00, $600.00 for each of the three faster services: Rush Filing Service, Same Day Service and Our Fastest Service respectively. Payment is to be be made IN FULL in the enclosed envelope by money order only, NO CHECK OR CREDIT CARD. In addition, there will be absolutely NO telephone calls. ALL communications are to be made by mail only. If you call, for ANY reason, you will be billed $100.00, which you will have to pay immediately. Finally, if we do not receive payment on or before 10/7/09, we will refuse to represent you (or your spouse).

Now here’s the best part.. the part that had me pissed off at first but then doubled over in hysterics:

None of this is subject to any dicussion [sic] for any reason. If you find anything unacceptable, call another law firm for your divorce and do not call us again. You can become a XXXXXXX and XXXX client by the above date or you will never become one. It’s your choice.

Very truly yours,

Can you STAND it?? Is that not the FUNNIEST letter from a law firm that you ever read? If their last names ended in a vowel, I would swear they had a Don Corleone complex! When I showed it to Chief, he had the same reactions so I know it’s not just me.. which is why I had to share!

Funny what happens when push comes to shove. Knowing that we only had a week or so to come up with an additional $105.00 or have to pay a minimum of $1200.00 :: the last quote he received locally :: he did and we sent off the MONEY ORDER :: no check or money order ::

So in about 90 days :: provided that the Crack Whore won’t contest it.. which she SWEARS she won’t :: he’ll be a divorced man.

And, unless I come to my senses, I’ll probably be posting wedding pictures soon after!

Of course, once his divorce becomes final, you know that first thing I’m going to do, right?

I’m going to send them a check for $1.20 to cover the cost of the three previous information packets they sent him AND point out the spelling error in their letter!

Cause, yknow, I’m just like that!!! LOL

Dear 1989 “Me”

Per The Girl From The Ghetto’s request, I am writing a letter to the 1989 me. GG had gotten the idea from another blogger, Jean Has Been Shopping and I just loved it.

If you write your own letter, let me know in the comments so I can read yours.

Here goes:

Dear 1989 Leese:

Wow. I can’t believe that 20 years has flew by as fast as it did. I also can’t believe all the things the trial and tribulations you will raise above. Some parts seem like they should belong in a non-fiction novel, but rest assured, it is all true.

By this time, you will have been living with a man that you will later refer to “The Mindless Minion” or “Satan’s Spawn”. You won’t leave him. Even though by now there have been enough red flags and neon signs pointing to what is to become. You will spend 18 years with him.. and also with the 4 Horseman of Abuse that he lets loose upon you.

Don’t fret though.. because it will indeed make you into person stronger then you could ever imagine AND teach you priceless lessons on the human condition.

BEAUTY

You know how you hate the “brown-ness” of your hair and eyes? Well, you’ll still have brown eyes but your hair is going to start turning grey very, very soon but fret not.. it will only mean that you can experiment with ALOT of different hair colors. You’ll come to love how curly it is too.. I know that’s hard to believe but there will be gaggles of hair products available that will have you staring in the mirror marveling at how silly you were to actually pray for straight hair.

Oh.. and you’ll also get tattoos. Not obscenely huge ones.. just a small one here and there.. well placed and symmetrical. You’ll end up with 7.

You’ll go up and down in size but embrace the YOU that you are and not concern yourself so much with the size of your jeans. As long as your hips aren’t wider then your shoulders, you’re okay Girl!

MEN

You won’t leave Satan’s Spawn after he has you committed to the crazy house. You think you will.. but you won’t. That won’t come for another 10 years or so afterwards but while you are getting stronger, you will be on hand to see him getting weaker and you will start to be able to see through his lies and love yourself enough to know that you deserve better. And you do.

Stay away from the dude with the smoking fetish. He’s just plain bizarre and strange. Also, he’s into the whole power trip thing and you don’t need that.

Do NOT have sex with the biker boy. He may be freaky and into threesomes and glory holes but he really does want to be just friends. You can very easily break down his resolve but don’t. He’s a good friend to have.

I’d also leave the sheep guy, and the little league guy alone too. The sheep guy will fuck with your head alot and the little league guy cannot start his day.. end his day.. or get through his day with out being drunk.

You’ll wind up meeting a man who will become your second husband but don’t go so fast. There’s a lot of issue that you won’t find out until your way too deep down Alice’s rabbit hole. He’s worth it.. but remember, you can’t save everybody. You need to save yourself first.

CHILDREN

This may be hard to hear, but you’ll never have your own children. Considering everything you’ll go through it really is a blessing in disguise. However, you will wind up with three step-sons who will do nothing but make you want to either bang your head against a wall or start shooting black tar.

NOTE: You won’t go anywhere near black tar!!

Maybe 20 years from now, they’ll come to appreciate you and everything you’ve done for them but right now you’re in the middle of your mother’s “.. wait until you have kids of your own” curse.

FAMILY

This is a hard one because you will lose two very important people in your life. Ironically, the hardest will not be Grandmom.. but will be Uncle Art. His is going to be completely unexpected and will really throw you for a loop.

MONEY

Heh.. don’t take this the wrong way but that’s always going to be an issue. You’ll stay on course with your current career choice and at one point will be making so much money that you’ll drop paychecks just on a pair of shoes. That will change when you have a family that you need to support and will change further when you get laid off from your job. But you know that money doesn’t make you happy. Surprisingly though.. given how much money you used to blow, you’ll be surprised to learn that you’ve become very spend-thrift.

OTHER STUFF

You’ll have a patent that General Motors will steal from you. Satan’s Spawn will insanely obsess over this but you’ll stick to your guns that saving lives is much more important then money.

Even though you’ve given up Catholicism, you will develop a close, personal relationship with God that will see you through the hardest times of your life. It’s not like you’ll become a bible-thumping Born Again Christian or build up your eyelashes like Tammy Faye Baker but it will serve you well.

Even though your second marriage will be a hell of a whole lot better then your first, things will happen that you won’t be able to do anything about and you’ll going to have to learn that you can’t fix everything. Your oldest stepson will become a drug dealing junkie and when he gets thrown out of the house, he’ll strike out and start a chain of events that even today are still causing hardships.

You’ll also have to deal with your step-sons mother who has her own demons with drugs and alcohol that causes’ her to exist off of other people. She will constantly be a thorn in your side but it’s only because you represent the stability and nuturing for her sons that she cannot. She’s the type of person that causes misery because she is miserable and it bothers her to no end that her boys are moving along in life without her. You’re patience will be tested.. your motives will be tested.. your emotions and heart will be tested. Just know that any decision you make is the right one.. and for the right reasons.

In closing, the world will be a different place but you will go with the flow and manage the damage. You are strong.. you finally will have faith in yourself.. you will come to know your own value.

You, girl.. will be ok.