… guess I’ve been a little too vocal about our local law enforcement, eh?
So.. ok..
Earlier today one of the mechanics that work across the street from the shop stopped in and I asked him if he could take a look at my back tail light.
The back tail light that is cracked.
Since February.
When someone drove up my street AND my front lawn and got his front end stuck in my back end.
Wait.
That SO didn’t sound right.
Anyway..
So yea.. I didn’t do anything about it cause apparently, I’m not good with “follow through” .. at least that’s what my mom tells me.
But I noticed that the break light was out so I asked the mechanic to take a gander. I wanted him to do it on HIS time because he’s trying to open up his own place.. and he’s a good customer of mine.. so y’know.
Around 11:30am, he comes in and asks me if I wouldn’t mind driving to the parking lot on the corner because his boss was still at the garage and he didn’t want him to see him working on my car.
No problem, I told him… In fact, why don’t we just drive up to my house? It’s right up the street from the parking lot but not on the main street… this way, there wouldn’t be any chance that his boss would accidentally see him.
Now, picture an L.
My house is at the top of the long part of the L.. the parking lot is at the corner of the L.. and my shop is at the end of the short part of the L.
See my reasoning?
Now the long part of the L is roughly about a mile. So as I’m driving up the street towards my house, I could see a bright, flourescent pink paper stuck in my door.
Hmm..
My electric bill isn’t due.. my cable bill isn’t due.. the rent is not only paid BUT the check cleared.. and I already got the cut off notice for the water service. But that’s blue anyway :: get it? Blue? Water? ::
NOTE: Fret not about my water bill. We go through this every quarter. The inept water company NEVER sends a bill and the only way you know that your bill is due is when they stick the shut off notice in your door. I’ve been going back and forth with them for two years about that so I just accept things for the way they are.
As I get closer, I notice what looks like a municipal seal on the paper.
Great.
Is my grass too long? Are they finally objecting that I STILL have lighted Christmas dear sculptures in front of my house? :: I had hammered the “don’t blow away” pegs in too hard and now I can’t get them out :: or are they getting bitchy because I forgot to remove my trash can from the curb or don’t use their yellow recycle bin for recycling?
I park on the side of my house.. the mechanic pulls up behind me.. he starts working his drill.. and I walk around to the front of the house to find this:
Holy FUCK..
My first thought.. well, I had a few… was either something in Chief’s past caught up with him :: mainly the outstanding disorderly conduct citation he was issued a few years back when he was pulled over and wouldn’t turn over his license and registration until the cop told him what he did to be pulled over for :: OR Weed got himself into trouble again and they didn’t have his updated address.
So IMAGINE MY SURPRISE when I turned it over:
This was for ME!!
ME!!
ME????
ME who doesn’t do ANYTHING bad.. except argue with old ladies in supermarkets and have perfected the “rolling” stop at stop signs? ME???
NOTE: I have to tell you that I fleetingly did think that the Chicken Lady had something to do with this!
THEN I noticed the file number.. or summons number.. or whatever it’s called began with TR.
TR meaning TRAFFIC
And then it all made sense.
And then I wished it was for murder because.. in it all making sense, I was going to kill Chief.
Wouldn’t have been temporary insanity.. would have definitely been pre-meditated.
Let’s flash back .. oh.. about a year.
Chief had had a child support hearing at the county courthouse. He took the car I had then :: a Saturn :: and because he likes to thumb his nose at authority, he parked where he shouldn’t have parked and got a ticket.
NOTE: It’s REAL easy to thumb your nose at authority when your driving a car that isn’t in YOUR name, apparently.
I didn’t find out about this ticket until oh.. about 5 months later when I was putting the winter jackets away and in checking the pockets :: for candy bars, pens, money :: I found a warrant with my name on it.
ME: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?
HIM: What?
ME: THIS!! THIS!! :: waving it around in the air :: THIS WARRANT WITH MY NAME ON IT THAT I JUST FOUND IN YOUR JACKET POCKET!!
HIM: Oh that? I paid that.
ME: What do you MEAN you “paid that?” When did you “pay that”? Better yet.. why didn’t I know I had it to begin with?
HIM: It was when I had child support court.. I didn’t want you to worry about it.
ME: So you paid it
HIM: Yep
ME: Are you sure?
HIM: Believe me, it’s all taken care of.
Now.. back to the present.
I asked the mechanic if he needed me because I needed to get back to the store. He said he didn’t so I started walking down.
And let me tell you something.. I don’t know how REAL criminals do it. I don’t know how they just go about living life knowing that they’re wanted for arrest because me? I was almost ducking into thorny rose bushes every time I heard a car driving up behind me. My heart was beating a million miles a minute and really, the only think I kept thinking was, ‘… OMG! I didn’t shave my legs. If I get arrested with hairy legs then some Prisoner From Cell Block H is going to think I’m down with the program and want to snuggle in that cold, concrete cell.”
Don’t throw stones, ok.. you never know what you’re going to think in situations like these!
I really just want to wait until I get to the shop to tell Chief in person.. I want to see his face when I question him about paying that parking ticket months ago.. but I was also scared that I would be arrested on the walk down there and figured he at least needed a heads up and scramble for bail money.
So I call him:
ME: Hey, remember that ticket you got when you went to the child support court thing?
HIM: Yea
ME: And.. um.. remember when you told me you paid it after I found the summons in your pocket?
HIM: (pause.. pause.. pause) Yea
ME: You paid it right?
HIM: Yea
ME: You sure?
HIM: Yea
ME: Then.. um.. why did the county come to the house to arrest me and left a bright pink piece of paper saying that?
HIM: What?
ME: Yea.. they came to arrest me FOR THE TICKET YOU GOT YOU SAID YOU PAID!
HIM: But I did pay it?
ME: :: In my best Law & Order impersonation :: When?
HIM: I don’t remember
ME: How? How did you pay it?
HIM: In cash
ME: Where’s the receipt?
HIM: In. The Saturn.
The Saturn that we sold about 4 months ago.
I had to hang up on him because I think he was bullshitting me.
I got to the store and showed him that paper. He said that maybe THAT wasn’t the one he paid.. but another one. I told him that he only took the car once and he said that he took the car like 3 or 4 times but he KNOWS he paid something the one time he went up there.
WHAT
THE
FUCK?
He said he didn’t want me to worry about it and I was like, “.. oh, like I’m worrying about it NOW, bucky?”
And I couldn’t look at him anymore.. I couldn’t stand being in the same room with him anymore… because from then and even until now, he never said he was sorry. Sorry that I was worrying.. sorry that I was going to be ARRESTED for HIS FUCKING TICKET!
Contrary to popular belief, when I get that angry.. I get quiet. And cold. It’s not that I want to ignore you.. it’s that I want you to FEEL the “pissed off” emanating from my pores.
We ran out of latex gloves and so I told him that I would walk to go get them.. it’s not that far.. maybe a 15 minute walk.. so I told him :: as I was leaving :: that I would be back shortly … IF I didn’t get arrested along the way.
The look on his face was priceless.. and one that will probably replay itself over and over again when the Prisoner From Cell Block H admires my hairy legs.
Up until I left the store.. around an hour ago.. I was an iceberg.. his attempts to try and hug me and kiss me were meant with twisting away moves that would make a Chinese gymnast proud.
And then I left and came home.
Where I’m at now.. obviously still enjoying my freedom but jumping out of my skin whenever there’s a knock at the door because you know.. of all days that social butterfly that is Bubba has to be home is today.
I called Chief’s cousin Bird and told her what happened.
She’s going to drive me up to the court house Monday morning to pay what I owe.. AND take her credit card in case there are MORE that I don’t know about.
Until then I think I’m going to take a few Tylenol PMs and just sleep the rest of the weekend away.
LIVING ME 101 