The Lawnmower Man

Heh..

Every morning at exactly 7am, Chief starts our lawn mower. He places it in the middle of the yard and duct tapes the bar thingy that keeps the mower running so that the motor keeps running.

He also removed the something or other that keeps it quiet so now, it’s anything BUT quiet.

He comes in … stays awhile… goes out .. mows a little.. comes in.. stays awhile.. goes out.. mows a little.

The first day he did this, the Chief of Police kept circling our house.

Apparently, our so-called neighbors still thought we had a generator.

There’s absolutely, positively NO love lost between my Chief and the Chief of Police and I wish I had had a camera to see his face when he realized it was a lawn mower.

Especially since every single thing I was able to find regarding the borough does not mention lawn mowers .. or any landscaping tool for that matter.

After a few days of this … and almost measuring our grass blade by blade to make sure we were WELL within regulation.. and mowing some more to ensure we were complaint .. Chief decided to move on to OTHER parts of the yard that needed cleaning up.

Can you say CHAIN SAW?

Dang.. those branches hanging over are dangerous. Why, the Code Enforcer Guy could poke an eye out the next time he trespassed on our back lawn.. they were hanging so low.

And since we just may have had plans on Mother’s Day he needed to get started early.

So again, at 7am this morning, he went out and just as he was about to start the chainsaw, the so-called “neighbors” two houses down walk out of their house..

He looks at them.. and in his best horror movie voice says:

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY.. HEH.. HEH.. HEH..

And rips the chainsaw chord.

I don’t know about you, but this imagine IMMEDIATELY came to mind:

Funny to, a little while later when he was yet again mowing the lawn, the Chief of Police drove down our street.. slowed down.. and pointed to the blade clippings in the street.

MY Chief gave him the finger .. because there’s no law against grass clippings in the street AND they pay a street sweeper God knows how much money to drive the obscenely expensive street sweeper machine down my block twice a week.

There’s no doubt that we’re being harrassed.. there’s no doubt that we are being made to feel like criminals for doing absolutely nothing against any violation or code.

In fact, a while ago the CEG was on our ass about a pile of wood that was neatly stacked in the way back corner of our yard. A thunderstorm had downed a tree and we had it cut down and stacked. It was there for about a year when the CEG started getting ornery about it.

Just so happens.. today.. we passed by a house a few blocks from us that has a huge pile of a former tree along side their fence .. on the outside of their property. You can tell it’s been there awhile (I just never noticed it) but it got us wondering… have THEY been harassed about removing it?

My guess is no.

But honestly, it’s tiring.

I have a job interview on Monday and if I get it .. we’ve decided to move. This job will be closer to Chief’s new job and we wouldn’t have to deal with the hypocrasy that is this borough.

And believe me.. as soon as I’m out of there, I’m naming names and giving details!

So Guess Who Had A Bench Warrant THIS Time?

Uh-huh.

That’s right.

ME!

In fact… I had TWO bench warrants out for me from the lovely borough where I reside.

What was my devious.. heinous crime? What law did I so blatantly break that this after-sight borough sought to bring me to justice :: and pay $215.00 US Dollars for? ::

Not moving my car on street sweeping day.

Yep.

You read that right.

On street sweeping day, a cop rides along with the street sweeper truck writing out tickets on convenient blaze orange envelopes issuing a $15.oo fine :: $25.oo if you wait more then 10 days to pay it ::

Okay… so you’re asking WHY DON’T YOU JUST PAY THE DAMN THING WHEN YOU GET IT? Right? Heh..well.. that’s the thing. I always INTEND to pay it. After all.. the county court house is only about a block away from the shop… two blocks away from my house.. But it’s kind of like this theory I have that the closer something is.. the least likely it’s going to happen. Kind of like returning library books. When I lived about two miles away from the closest library, I was NEVER late with returning loaners.. but when I moved and the back of the library was RIGHT BEHIND the back of my house? Well.. let’s just say that I owed more money to them then to my mortgage holder.

So basically, the road to my hell is paved in good intentions that come in the form of blaze orange street sweeping fine envelopes!

Back to it..

So apparently, I had gotten this ticket back in December 08.

Oh.. the other thing you may be asking is WHY DON’T YOU JUST NOT PARK WHERE YOU PARK ON STREET SWEEPING DAY?

See.. that’s the other thing.

My house sits on the corner of three intersecting streets. Nice view if you can get it :: right! :: and the street sweeper only sweeps on ONE side of the street on any given day. So Monday’s it this side.. Tuesday’s it’s THAT side.. Wednesday it’s over there.. Thursday’s it’s over here… you get the point.

With all these sides and all these streets and all these days.. it’s a little hard to keep track of. I’m positive they do this on purpose because how ELSE are they going to fund the borough? Sure.. Sure.. I can right it on the calendar or set it up as an appointment on my cell phone but let’s be realistic. We’re talking about me here…

Already.. enough tirade.. I’ll get back to the store now.

So I get this envelope address to me and when I open it, I’m literally like WHAT THE FUCK? A bench warrant? You got to be fucking kidding me.

It says that they’ve tried numerous times to serve the warrant but couldn’t.

Now come on.. as many times as Chief has been in front of the ONE judge in the borough :: either for him or Weed :: you mean to tell me they didn’t know where to find me?

It also says that my name has been entered in their database and that I will be arrested unless I pay the fine within 48 hours. What they don’t tell you is that the 48 hours begins on the day they print it NOT on the day you receive it. So God Forbid if the mail is slow!

Chief comes home from the shop and as soon as he gets in the door, I whip out the paper and say, “.. what’s this?”

He shrugs. “A Bench Warrant”

“I KNOW THIS!” I tell him.. “But it’s for ME! And I don’t even REMEMBER getting a ticket.”

He shrugs again. “So pay it.”

Aaarrgghhh!!! Being with someone who thumbs his nose at authority is used to getting stuff like this in the mail is not as fun as it may sound!! LOL

The next morning :: ironically, street sweeping day on the side of the street that my car was parked on thus garnering me ANOTHER blaze orange envelope! :: I go down to the courthouse.

NOTE: As I was walking IN, the kid that works at Dunkin’ Donuts at night was walking OUT. I asked him what he was doing there and he said that they wrote him up for running a red light when it was yellow. He asks me what I was doing there and I told him I had a bench warrant. YOU? he seemed surprised. Yea.. I said.. for parking tickets. He got hysterical. No more tips for him!

So I go stand in front of the payment window where there is a constable stapling a pile of bench warrants. I can’t see if they’re for street sweeping fines or not. He tells me that the secretary will be right with me and I said “fine” or whatever. About 10 minutes go by and she asks me what I need.. FROM ACROSS THE ROOM.. I hold up the paper and say that I got “this” in the mail and before I could get another word out she says, “.. it’s a bench warrant.”

GOD! I KNOW IT’S A BENCH WARRANT! I don’t think I should have said it with as much attitude as I did being in a room full of constables but oh well.

I tell her I want to pay it.. she takes my debit card.. swipes it and gives me the receipt from the credit card machine. Says thank you and have a nice day.

Wait! I want a receipt. A REAL receipt that I can glue to my car window so that I won’t get picked up by the police the next time I don’t come to a complete stop at a stop sign.

She kind of makes like a face or something but goes back to her desk and asks me for my last name.

I tell her.. making sure to spell it s-l-o-w-l-y.

She punches it into her computer and says, “Oh.. you have another one.”

What?

Another bench warrant she tells me. For a ticket I supposedly got in January 09. Great. Fan-fucking-tastic. Don’t remember getting THAT one either.

But I tell her I’ll pay it now and get it over with AND I want a receipt for that one to glue to the inside of the OTHER side of the car so I won’t get arrested the next time I get pulled over for not completely stopping at a stop sign.

She prints out the receipt that happens to include a charge by charge detail. I happen to notice that I was being charged $5.oo for POLICE EDUCATION.

Really?

Hmm.

“Um.. excuse me,” I call out to her.. “I have an issue with this charge.”

She walks back over to the payment window and I tell her that considering the police who came to my house thought that the exfoliating beads in a bottle of Bath and Body Works Sweet Pea Body Wash were pot seeds, I think I’m getting ripped off here.

She wasn’t amused. Neither were the constables but sorry. Had to say it.

So armed with my receipts :: which are in the glove compartment of my car :: I am no longer a fugitive of the law.

After going through all this, there are two things that you can count on. One, I will still continue to get street sweeping tickets and two.. I will definitely pay them from now on!!