Posts Tagged ‘Bathroom’

I used the last of the toilet paper after dinner.

I also used the hidden stack I keep folded between the stack of magazines on the bathroom window sill.

They don’t read.. so they’d never find it and since toilet paper runs out faster then ice cream in this house, I always make sure I keep a little bit in case of emergencies.

Can’t figure out if we use so much of it because their asses are so big or because they just use too much of it .. “waste” is a word these boys have yet to learn.

At any rate .. an hour or so after we finished eating, I made my way to the supermarket. Not only did we need toilet paper, but the dogs needed food.. the cats needed food.. and Tide was on sale.

NOTE: I will not waste Tide on their clothes. Tide will only be used on MY clothes and MY bedding because I deserve it, dammit!

So I get everything I had to get and just as I’m about to hit the check out line, my cell rings and it’s Bubba.

I haven’t actually talked to him since the blow up at dinner the other night about his school work .. and only answered it on the off chance that it was Chief.

ME: Hello?
BUBBA: Leese?

Like who else would it be?

ME: What?
BUBBA: There’s no toilet paper.
ME: I know.
BUBBA: Well, Dad said you were at the store. Are you going to buy it or something?
ME: Am I going to steal it?
BUBBA: How long to you think you’re going to be?
ME: Until I am
BUBBA: ‘Cus I’m stuck in the bathroom.
ME: I’ll get there as fast as I can.. I’m almost done.

.. and then I s.l.o.w.l.y made my way up and down every single aisle of the market again..

And every time I remembered how the slob STILL continues to leave half his piss on the floor and not wipe it up even after he’s been told a million times? I looked for something in particular and read it’s ingredients and compared the ingredients to the store brand and then compared prices and broke the price down to cents per ounce.

And when I remembered how he leaves soda bottles and soda caps all over the house.. and empty chip bags in the desk drawer and food crumbs under the desk? I went to the card aisle and read every single New Baby card trying to decide which one.. if any.. I wanted to buy.

And when I remembered how his father told him to clean all the empty bottles and dirty dishes out of the room that I just stipped down to nothing a few weeks ago and he didn’t? I read a few articles in a few different magazines and tried to figure out just how Justin Bieber gets his hair to stay that way.

Did I also mentioned I turned my phone off?

And then I went to the bathroom in the supermarket before making my to the cashier.. and sloooowly wheeled my cart to my car and gingerly loaded the bags into it before doing well below the speed limit and coming to a full stop at every stop sign until reaching home.

I then brought all the bags in the house.. conveniently forgetting the 12 pack of toilet paper that wouldn’t fit in a bag in the back of the car.

Hey.. THEY can forget everything, right? I’m allowed to once in a while!

Chief wound up telling Spaz to run out to the car and get it.. which, because it was for Bubba.. made Spaz move even SLOWER.

And I giggled the whole time.

Ok.. so I know that I’ve missed a few TMI Thursday. Not for um :: cough cough :: lack of content but simply, I forget it’s Thursday most times.. usually reminded when I find Project Runway on the cable grid fifteen minutes after it started.

HATE missing the first 15 minutes.

And.. yknow.. once Project Runway is over I’m toast so there you go.

Anyhoo…

So today.. since I’m basically snowed in AND it’s Thursday, I figured I’d resurrect the tradition!

At least I know that will make Gary happy and Mark pee himself. Maybe. That’s the goal anyway!

A little while ago, Gary posted posted a question on his blog that made me think of something that happened to me years ago… and was repeated to just about everyone who knew someone who knew what happened to me.

That’s A LOT of people folks.. since I generally laugh at myself and have no filter for embarassing myself.

Ok.. I left you hanging long enough.

CAUTION: The following may leave you with a visual you may not want. It may also leave you really offended or you may wind up spilling hot coffee on your lap. If you do, don’t sue. I have absolutely no money to hire a lawyer for frivilous lawsuits.

A’ight..

So in case you didn’t know, I had my woo-ha pierced. You know what a whoo-ha is, right? It’s a friend of mine’s term for the female part of the body that differentiates them from males. Yknow, the Y? The um.. Mound of Venus? The Va-jay-jay?

OK!!!!!!!!!! Geez!! The Clit.. alright? I had my clit pierced!!

If you didn’t know and want to find out alllllll about it, read HERE.

So maybe a week or so after it was pierced, I was having dinner with a group of friends that I used to work with. I guess about 6 or 7 of us. We went to this pretty upscale restaurant where my friend Gags knew someone who knew someone.

NOTE: I call her Gags NOT for the obvious reasons.

So I did the whole girly thing and got all fancied up. To mentally prepare, I even put on underwear.

Yes.. for those of you who don’t already know, I’m not a big fan of underwear.

WARNING: MEN SKIP OVER

I had.. well.. still have.. this really girly black lace thong / pantie set that makes my boobs look AMAZING!! So amazing that I can actually say that I know what Victoria’s little bitty secret is!

SAFE FOR MEN TO RESUME READING

I really wanted to wear these really awesome pair of heels that I had bought:

Please don't ask me why I have a picture of my shoes!

So since I generally buy shoes without caring if I have something to match them, I dug through my closet and found this really sweet pair of black pants that had this beading deal on them .. and a light tan suede top that wrapped around just the right way to show off a little bit of the black lace bra.

I can do the girly thing when I really.. really want to!

Anyway.. so we meet up at the restaurant and we’re having a good time catching up on this and catching up on that.

Right after the main course is served, I have to go to the bathroom. I drink ALOT of coffee generally and even more fluids were ingested during the wait at the bar for the rest of our group and during dinner so far.. so I really had to go pee.

I’m not a very good “.. I think I may have to tinkle so I’ll go now just in case” person. I’m the “.. wait for the very last nano second before having to race to the nearest bathroom and then unbutton.. unzip.. or pull down along the way” kinda gal.

And that’s exactly what happened.

I race to the bathroom.. bust into the stall.. start pulling down my pants… and OH MY FUCKING GOD THE PAIN.

A searing white hot lightening of pain that made me forget all about my need to empty my bladder.

What the hell?

I try lowering my pants and underwear again.. slowly this time.. and it won’t budge without my having to suck in my breath so hard to avoid the lightening.

And then it dawns on me. Oh.. son of a BITCH!!! My piercing poked through the lace of the thong and got all twisted up in there. It was so absurd that I started laughing. Not to myself, mind you.. out loud and proud!

I have this really bawdy laugh and when I find something really, really funny.. I laugh. Loud.

So I’m standing in the stall with my back to the door, digging down in my whoo-ha trying to get the little barbell-y thing untangled from my underwear. And the more I couldn’t.. the more I laughed.

Someone happened to come into the bathroom and heard me laughing.. but to her, it sounded like I was crying. I had heard the door opening so I wasn’t jumping out of my skin when I heard someone gently knocking on the stall door asking if I was okay..

Between laughs.. I said that I was fine.

She asked if I was with anyone in the restaurant and I told her again that I was fine, thank you very much.

Obviously, she had a good Samaritan complex and when she left the bathroom she went up to the nearest waitress and told her that there was a woman who was obviously distressed in the ladies’ room.

The waitress happened to be standing right behind Gags. Now.. you might have to “know” Gags to appreciate this but she she hears EVERYTHING. I mean.. EVERYTHING. Put her in a stadium full of people and she will tell you what everyone around her is talking about. Usually it’s funny. Not this time.

She hears the conversation between the woman and the waitress.. puts two and two together and very loudly says “OMG! There’s something wrong with Leese!!!” She jumps up from the table along with two more of my girlfriends and they rush to the ladies room.

While all this is happening, I’m still in the stall diddling my crotch. Trying to do that in 4 inch heels kinda throws off your balance so I figured I would leverage myself by putting one foot on the rim of the toilet seat. Yknow.. give me a little space to work with.

So I’m standing there.. with my foot up on the toilet rim trying to finish what I started and the heel of my foot slips.

Did you see the picture of my favorite shoes?

My favorite SUEDE shoes???

Forgetting all about my tangled underwear, I use sheer will to not have my tan suede shoes dunk in tidy bowl blue water. Grabbing onto the top of the stall walls helped. Alot.

But now I’m laughing even harder.. especially because I am in a very compromised position with pants almost at my ankles and holding myself up by the stall walls.

It’s at this moment that Gags and my other friends bust into the bathroom literally screaming LEESE! LEESE! ARE YOU OK? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN?

Which .. yknow.. if I was a normal person, I would have just told her everything was fine but I’m not normal so I bust out laughing louder.

Gags has been my friend a long time and she’s been through a lot of ups and downs with me .. especially with the Spawn From Satan’s Ass.

She hears the laughing.. and I guess it must have sounded like I was bawling.. so with a loud OMG!! she literally dives under the stall door.. all brown and blond spiky hair and designer glasses and on her back.

The look on her face when she saw me hanging from the stall walls with my pants at my ankles and my foot in the air was PRICELESS.

It was one of those moments where it feels like time stops or everything moves in slow motion. It felt like forever but it was probably and instant before she yelled WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU FREAK????

Through laughs, I told her to help me get my balance.

WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? IM HALF WAY UNDER THE DOOR ON THIS DISGUSTING FLOOR THAT WILL PROBABLY GIVE ME ECCCCZZZZEEEEMMMMMAAAAA!!!

Gags has this thing with eczema.

She winds up crawling all the way into the stall with me and having no real idea how it happened, I was able to get my balance. And between her yelling at me, I was able to tell her what happened.

And then she laughed.. which made me laugh.. which made our friends who were still in the bathroom wonder what the fuck we were doing.

JUST RIP THEM OFF FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

I told her I couldn’t do that.. that I liked this set.. and she nodded in complete woman understanding.

She then did what only a real BFF would do .. offered to untangle it for me. But that was just too freakin’ weird.. even for me. So Gags unrolled half a roll of toilet paper onto the floor.. made me take my shoes off.. and then I did this whole Houdini trick to step out of my underwear and when I finally did, I was able to do what needed to be done to get untangled.

My other friends had already left the bathroom once they found out what was going on so when me and Gags returned, they all stood up and clapped.

There was a large group at the table to the side, asked one of my friends what was going on and she loudly proclaimed THE ONE IN BLACK PANTS GOT HER PIERCING STUCK IN HER UNDERWEAR!!!!

You remember that shampoo commercial for Fabrege? You know that one.. it went something like “.. she told her friend who told her friend who told her friend and so on and so on and so on” ? …

yea.. it was something like that