Posts Tagged ‘Arguments’

.. did you ever have one of THOSE dreams?

The ones where you wake up and remember EVERYTHING?

O! M! G!

I had THE dreams of dreams earlier ..

I slept most of the day .. for two reasons.

1) I was up all night again so I didn’t actually go to bed until 10:30am


2) I was pissed off and torqued and all those other adjectives that applies to being pissed.

Just the thumbnail:

When Chief’s alarm went off yesterday morning and I was MORE then awake, I figured I would take the dogs out and give him a few extra minutes in bed. Nice of me, right? MORE then nice of me considering there’s still snow up to my knees out there.

Anyway..  I take the dogs and see that that’s crap all over the dining room and the kitchen is a wreck.

You, know.. the usual. Hmph!

And because Bubba’s lump of flesh is sleeping on the couch.. and because I don’t pay an obscene amount of money every month for his room to have him sleep on the couch .. I decided to go about cleaning the kitchen and living room in my normal pissed off manner (ie: banging doors.. talking out loud to myself.. etc.

Weed gets up and comes downstairs.. Chief gets up asks me what I’m doing.. I wave my hands around like a mime on crack like, “… what the HELL do you think??” .. and go back to wiping the floor down  with WAY too much Pine Sol!!

Have I mentioned that they hate the smell of Pine Sol??

HE thinks I’m talking about Bubba on the couch so he says something to him.. Bubba grunts an answer.. but goes into his room. I finish with the floor and then proceed to stomp around the living room and dining room picking up the fucking bottle caps.

Bottle caps. How many DAMN times have they been told about the fucking bottle caps?

So I say to Chief.. To Weed.. To Spaz in the shower and Bubba in his room:

See all the soda on the front porch? Tomorrow is trash and I’m throwing every single fucking one out!

Chief is all Yea! Yea! I hate those bottle caps! I keep telling you guys about the bottle caps!!

He goes into the bedroom .. I go out into the living room and then he comes out and says (you’re going to love this):

I hate waking up to you with a stick up your ass

And not in a I-feel-you-pain kind of way. HE sounded pissed and I was like, are you kidding me?? Really?


He then asked me what my problem is and I said nothing has changed in four years.

Right away he was like, “No.. that’s not it” and I was like, “.. are you kidding me, dude? You asked.. I told you and now you’re saying I’m wrong? You know what? Think whatever you want to think.”

And then I didn’t talk to him for the remaining time I was up .. because when I get pissed like that.. when I know that I can’t have the conversation that needs to be had because you just want to believe that everything is full of rainbows and kitten kisses and don’t want to deal with reality, then why waste my time. I’m only going to get more pissed and say things that shouldn’t hit the air.

So that’s why I slept as long as I did.

At any rate…

So I had this dream.

We were at my grandmother’s old house is South Philly .. a huge three story corner property. Weed comes in with a girlfriend who kind of  looks familiar in real life but I don’t know who she is.. and then they’re followed by another boy and another girl.

They say something about having to take a bus to Montuak (I have no clue!) in the morning and they were going to stay over at the house. I’m fine with that.

Next thing I know, there are like.. 6 or 7 more of his friends over.

For some strange dream-reason, I’m fine with that too.

The sleep sofa I used to have in my old house is in one of the two middle rooms. Someone let’s it be known to me that two of the girls are going to sleep on that for a reason that escapes me. I immediately start pulling the bed out and realize that there’s something missing inside of it that makes the mattress dip but I remember thinking it’s sturdy and these are skinny little heroin-chic girls so I’m not worried.

I start making the bed and one of the girl’s says “.. oh, you don’t need to put a four part sheet set on there?” and I’m like, why not?.. and she tells me that whatever part is missing… is in fact, missing.. and they won’t be using it.

I explain that it’s not going to make a difference and she starts jumping on it to make sure..

Next thing I know.. and it does get fuzzy here.. is that I find out that they carry the sofa upstairs to the third floor where Weed’s room is and I freak out.. What the $%*((? How could you let them do that??? ect. ect. etc.

That’s followed by Spaz screaming that Weed is beating him up .. I run upstairs (for some reason the railing was missing) and go into Spaz’s room.. pull off Weed.. push him back towards his room and tell Spaz that I really like his bedroom and maybe he should stay up here permanently.

No clue!! LoL

Then Weed is behind me again yelling something and then I started yelling at him that I don’t care if he lives here but when he’s fucked up he turns into a monster .. and with those words, his hair started to stand up on end like a Michael Myers mask and his face gets all red and bloated and he starts yelling something.

And then it’s back downstairs and everybody is packing up and leaving and then Snooki and JWoww walk in and I’m talking to them about something when two of girls come back and start talking serious smack to The Snook and Woww.

Uh-uh!! Not having THAT..

So I get all up in this girls grill and tell her.. in the ghetto way.. how she’s not going to disrespect Snooki and JWoww and I’ll take her skinny little heroin chic ass out side and give her a beat down.

And then I woke up …

I won’t go into the OTHER dream I had where I was dating a guy that looked like Ceaser from The Fashion Show and he jumped into a lake to get cranberries.

That one was just too freakin’ weird!

.. call us lucky.

Or call us idiodirts..

You’re choice.

Me and Chief don’t argue about the “big” things… the things that NORMAL couples argue over.. kids, finances, dirty forks the drop behind HIS nigh table and remain there until there’s enough fuzz on it to make a new antibiotic.

No.. our worst arguments have been about a nursery rhyme and corn.

The nursery rhyme is:

Balls, said the Queen, if I had them I’d be King.
The King laughed.. not because he wanted two to, but because he had two too.

Our arguments over the meaning of this diddy is intense.

BUT! The argument that has reached epic proportions over the last two.. yes! TWO years is over how many ears grow on a stalk of corn.

And like the best arguments, I have no clue how it even started.. or why we were even discussing corn stalks in the first place. I know at some point I said to him that two ears grow on a stalk and he.. the uber-chef.. said No. Only one ear does.

So I tell him about the time I went on a hayride to pick corn and the driver told us that TWO ears grow on each stalk.. one smaller then the other and that all the larger ears had already been picked on the stalks nearest the hay ride trail so he suggested we go deeper into the corn field to find bigger corn to pick.

Which I did.. and where, because it’s me, I got lost and all these horror movies scenes popped into my head and I had a mild freak out until my friends found me hyperventilating and in a fetal position.

Yea.. so this is something that’s ingrained in my skull, yknow?

So we did what every arguing couple does.. we reached out to the god of all information.


But we couldn’t find anything.. ok. I’ll be blunt.. HE couldn’t find anything that would convince him that every agriculturist in the world wasn’t in a conspiracy against him and so every once in a while, this comes up and we argue about it.

So trying to put this baby to rest, finally.. we did what every normal couple arguing over corn does.. we planted some.

While we were waiting for it to grow, I would ask various people that came into the store what they thought and every one of them said that there was more then one ear on a stalk…

I put the question out there to the mecca of information, Facebook.. and again, all the responses I got sided with me.

So while he was thumbing his nose at me one morning because there is only one ear of corn on the stalks growing out back, two of our regulars came in during one of our SHUT-UP-OR-I’LL-THROW-A-CAN-OF-TUNA-AT-YOU “discussions” and one of them happened to say that he’s seen up to six ears on stalk.

And.. oh my god.. Chief got so outraged that I swear he stared to grow his hair back.

I mean, it’s one thing for him and me to argue about it but him and the customer was arguing about and Chief was like, “.. I’ll give you fifty bucks if I’m wrong.”

And I’m like.. WTF?????? Because when Chief gets like that he forgets that he’s talking to someone who actually spends money in the store.

I tell them both to shut up about the corn because I’m tired of hearing about it.. Chief slumps back into the kitchen of the shop and the customer and his brother leave… ONLY to come back the next morning and instigate the whole thing over again by saying he was just at his sisters house and she has X amount of corn growing and Chief was like, I want to see it for myself.. and the dude was like I’ll get you a picture.. and Chief was like, NO.. give me her address so I can actually see it.


Now he’s going to get arrested for stalking somebody’s corn.

This time I stomped my foot and yelled that I was sick and tired of the whole goddamn thing with the corn. Nobody is right.. nobody is wrong.. there are a lot of variable to growing call and just shut the fuck up about it.

And they did.. because let’s face it. Men are just little boys at heart.

So this morning was brutal.

The bank that we use for the store is the worst fucking bank in the world and is getting creative about taking my money and making it there’s. They grossly inflated the monthly service charge which caused a check to bounce and so the account was in the negative when it shouldn’t have been.. my unemployment check didn’t come in and so I had to call the landlord and tell him that the check I gave him for the second part of the rent can’t be deposited and so HE wasn’t too happy.. and then there’s the electric, water and cable bill that can’t be paid.. which are already overdue.

It was one of those morning when we both just felt like saying fuck everything, let’s drive to Montana and live in a tent.

So he goes out back to just commune with nature and digest the situation we found ourselves in.. or maybe he was looking for a good place to hang himself.. hard to know.. but he calls me out back and I find him standing next to the corn stalks.

Look“, he said pointing to one in particular. “Um, I think there’s another ear growing.”

I looked and gave my bobble head smuggy face, “… and you thought the day couldn’t get any worse, huh?”