Posts Tagged ‘Addiction’

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.. that being what’s happening since I last posted.
If you need to know how the baby came about… Well, either your too young to be on this blog or you have more important things you should be researching on the Internet!

Anyway… Let’s start with Wednesday night and see how far we get. Exhaustion, y’know .. And chicken pecking on the iPad…

So..

Wednesday night I come home from work and Weed’s ass is parked on my couch. Of course it is.
Because the hospital INSISTS each adult living in the house HAS to spend at least one night with the baby I have to suffer through it Wednesday into Thursday in order for him to be released.

I come home thinking I’ll take a nap before going to the hospital because I figure I’m going to be up most of the night anyway.. Why fight sleep to boot.

So I go in my room… Put on the latest episode of The Glee Project and veg out.

And no.. I didn’t take a nap because I had to watch the latest Design Star, too.

Anyway…

A little before 7, Chief comes into the bedroom and tells me that he’s going to drive Weed back to where ever it is he goes to at night.

Oh??? Um, he’s not coming to the hospital?

Chief tells me, laden with sarcasm, the Weed told him he has ” something important” to do.

Really? Because.. Um… Seeing your infant son in the hospital isn’t important?

Chief puts his hands up in the don’t-get-me-started way and I shrug.

When he comes back, I’m already packed and ready to go so we loaded up the truck and moved to Beverly… Hills, that it.. Black gold.. Texas tea…

Heh… Sorry!! Sleep deprivation kicked in!

… We loaded up the car and drive to the hospital.

On the way there I asked Chief what does someone with no job, no place to live and a withdrawing baby have to do that soooooo important.

Chief said that Weed told him he was going to hang out with his friend, the bi-sexual prostitute druggie.

Only he said her proper name and I was like.. Are you FUCKING kidding me? I’ve known this girl for years.. All the rumors I’ve heard about her then.. And now.. Are true. ALL of them… And THIS is the something important????

Chief tells me when Weed told him where he was going to he put on the breaks and pulled the car over. He said to Weed, “Let me get this straight.. You think getting wasted and screwing the bi-sexual prostitute druggie while your son is in the hospital and his mother is in jail IMPORTANT???? GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR”

… and he did. Think it was important and got out of the car.

Chief was BEYOND livid… And it only got worse.

I’ll post more about what happened when the baby came home and where Weed’s been for the past three days tomorrow after I find my laptop cord..

You won’t believe it.. I don’t believe it and I’m living it..

But I will part with these words of wisdom from Chief:

Let it go. I’ve been thru this with the Crack Whore.. You’ll get aggregated because they won’t tell you the truth and you’ll know they’re not telling you the truth.. It’ll bother you way more the n it’ll bother them.. That will play itself out. He’ll either get t together, OD or wind up back in jail.. In the meantime, we have this innocent little baby that will feel everything you feel.. That’s what happened with Spaz and the baby don’t deserve that because we’re suppose to be giving him a better life.

Words to live by..

When Weed’s life started to go down the toilet, he was involved with Goth Girl.

Goth Girl was his first serious girlfriend and even though his decisions were his decisions, she was the one who introduced him to the people that offered up the opportunity to make those bad decisions.

There were a lot of “friends” who used to come in and out all the time and one of them was Lulu.

Lulu was a really sweet girl and I really liked her a lot. She was always laughing and being silly.. of course, she was probably always like that because she was wasted all the time but at least she knocked on the door before she came into the house.. would actually say “hi” and “see ya” and would stop and have a conversation with me and Chief when she was here.

Believe me, that was ALOT more then his other friends did.

Anyway.. after Weed got kicked out, I didn’t see Lulu anymore. Not that that was unusual.. I didn’t see anyone after he got kicked out and I liked that just fine.

A few weeks ago, I was getting dinner from Mickey D’s and they forgot to give me one of the burgers. I didn’t find out until I got home so I had to drive back. When I went through the drive thru again, guess who was at the window handing over my missing burger?

Yep.

Lulu.

I was like OMG! LULU! but she was just like, “… hey.”

So I kind of figured that maybe to others around her, it would seem like she was giving me something free so I just drove home but I was glad to see that she had a job and said as much when I relayed what happened to Chief.

A few days later, Lulu came into the store.

The reason why I haven’t seen her had nothing to do with Weed being thrown out. From what she said, she had been arrested last year because she got caught with a needle. I didn’t realize how deep she was into drugs and honestly, it made me wonder how deep Weed was involved in them.

Anyway.. so she told me that she did a month in the county jail and when she was released, she was on house arrested. It was then that she realized that she had to get her life together and got her GED.. got the job at McDondalds.. and has been working towards getting into college.

She told me that she’s been completely clean for 9 months, dumped her old friends and does nothing but study and go to work.

I was SO proud of her and told her so..  I told her that it was great seeing her and great that she turned herself around.

So yesterday I was at the shop killing time with my father-in-law when Weed walks in… with Lulu.

I was surprised.

Really surprised.

She was going to work and stopped in to get something to eat that wasn’t fast food. I made her the sandwich and then they left.

I explained to my father-in-law who Lulu was and told him that I didn’t know if them hanging out together meant that Weed was straightening out OR that Lulu was backsliding.

I really, really hope it’s the latter

Here’s something to ponder.

How much are you entitled to know about your significant other’s family or their past.

I’m not talking about things that could be of potential harm to you or would have a negative effect on you or your life.

Things like a psychopathic uncle I think should be shared … or if there’s a federal warrant lingering or tax evasion charge.. stuff like that.

But suppose it’s perefrial info? Suppose it’s information about a person who has since changed their life around?

Should you know? Do you have a RIGHT to know? If you found out, should you tell your significant other that you did?

Because that’s the situation I find myself in now.

NOTE: Come on.. by this time if anyone DOESN’T think I need a freakin’ reality show then you need serious meds!!

The upside to Facebook is that it puts you in contact with people. The downside to Facebook is that it puts you in contact with people.

Through FB, I’ve become close with one of Chief’s cousins, Bird.

Bird is around the same age as Chief and Sarge and was probably the cousin that spent the most time at their house growing up. Bird, like me, was a major tomboy so growing up where they did.. at the time they did.. with 4 male cousins and a relatively close age difference is basically a tomboy’s wet dream.

Bird is also a talker. And she gave me the low down on a lot of things that are contrary to either what I’ve been told and my own instincts about people.

I just deleted about 27 paragraphs of detail about what she told me. And the reason why I did is not because it’s an embarassment :: yea, me? Embarrassed? Do you READ this blog? :: or because it would make anyone in my family look bad because lets face it, there’s no way you would know any of them…

But the reason why I deleted it is because I started to feel the same way I felt when Bird first told me.

When we had ended our conversation and I was able to lift my chin off my knees and actually swallow, I rolled over onto a sleeping Chief and just held him. I was sooo sad for everything he had been through growing up.. I just wanted to hold him and protect him and never let anything bad happen to him ever again.

I knew he had been through a lot growing up.. I knew in my gut that his reasons for doing the things that he did in the past was a direct result from everything in his childhood. All the scattered puzzle pieces finally fit.

Coming from a big, close knit family I couldn’t grasp the fact that he had no desire to be too involved with his family.. that he hadn’t spoken to 2 of his brothers in years.. I couldn’t fathom having a twin :: Sarge :: and not being close to him..

I know why now.

I know why when Sarge is around for longer then 20 minutes, you can hear the voices in Chief’s head screaming JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE even though he puts on a smile and tolerates him.

I understand now why he’d rather be left alone and not really deal with anyone in his family and I feel a little guilty for pushing him the way I sometimes do.

No child should have gone through the things he did.. no child should have been exposed to what he was.. it’s a tragedy.

Now, my father in law is no where near the person he used to be. We have a great relationship and I love him to death. I can’t hold his past against him because I see no evidence of it now but I don’t have Chief’s scars.

Regardless of anything I’ve ranted about or got pissed off about, one thing is crystal clear. People are who they are because of the things they’ve seen, heard and been exposed to.

And for all his faults… and in spite of everything that occurred prior to meeting me, Chief is a good man. All he wanted was to be loved and that “want” led him down some wrong paths :: ie: the crack whore ::.

But he has it now.. in abundance. And just when I think I can’t love him any more then I already do… I do.

The best part is that he knows it. And knowing it has given him the confidence to know that no matter what happens, he always has somebody standing behind him.. supporting him when he needs to be supported.. anchoring him when he needs to be anchored.. someone who will always have his back and someone he knows he can always trust.

If he had that growing up, how different his life would have been.

A few weeks ago :: sorry, I really haven’t been able to post as much as I really need to! :: my cell phone rang around 930pm. The caller id came up as an area as opposed to a phone number and since my own brother lives in that general vacinity, I assumed the call was from him.

I was wrong.

It was Chief’s mother.

Yep. His mother.

Don’t usually read anything about her do you? That’s because she isn’t talked about.

When we first met and I had inquired about his parents, he told me that she was in a home. He had to put her there because she has :: and had since his youth :: a perscription drug and alcohol problem. She wasn’t able to live on her own and so she went to live with him around the time that he got custody of the boys. Not to go into too much detail, but her living with him was one contributing factor to his own alcohol abuse.

He never told me anything specific and I never pushed because you could visibly see the pain cross his face but the boys had told me incidents and while I could never conceve of putting my own mother into a home, I could fully understand why he had to.

It didn’t help that his three brothers left everything to him.. wouldn’t help with her or bear any burden. Their stance was, “… well, Chief had to deal with her.”

When she called, he was asleep. But I’m not the quietest of talkers and I wound up waking him up. I mouthed to him who was on the phone and he immediately motioned his hand across his throat as if to say, “… I’m not here. Don’t give me the phone. PLEASE LEESE.. do not tell her I’m awake!”

And so I didn’t … she told me that she got my phone number from Sarge’s wife. From what she said, she called there first because the “home” was kicking her out and she needed a place to stay. Sarge’s wife supposedly said, “… well you can’t stay here. Call Chief”

She asked how big our house was and I instinctively told her that we were all living on top of each other since it was so small. That’s not true but I figured that there would be no good coming from telling her the truth.. especially since Chief was so adament about talking to her.

We went on to have a 20 minute conversation and I afforded her every kindess and respect that I was raised to exhibit.

I told her that I would give Chief the message that she had called and we hung up.

Me and Chief spoke about the phone call briefly. He questioned how she got my number and also told me that she was under no threat of being thrown out of anywhere. This was something that she does every so often.

His first instinct was to have me change my phone number.. something that I didn’t want to do.. His second was to get P-I-S-S-E-D at Sarge for giving my number out.

I wound up talking to Bird later on that night and she was telling me all this stuff about Chief’s mom :: her aunt :: that really made my heart bleed. Things like the staff doesn’t believe she has a family because no one visits her.. and that she gets her clothes from the rack that houses the garments of residents who have died.

This really broke my heart because it pains me that the elderly are treated the way they are in some families.. as throw aways.. and I started trying to come up with ideas that would benefit her without necessarily cause Chief grief.

The following night, I was at the shop with Chief preparing for a huge catering order when my phone rang again. The time, a name of a suburban hospital registered and Chief automatically cancelled the call. “I don’t want to deal with her” is what he said.

The voice mail ringy thing went off and so, curious, I listened to it.

My chin dropped to my knees and me.. who usually is NEVER without something to say.. was speechless.

The voice mail lasted for the whole time allotment and was filled with the most vile.. nasty.. horrible things that I ever had directed towards me. Not even anything that my ex spewed at me could compare.

Not being able to help it, my eyes started welling up with tears. I mean, what did I ever do to this woman? Chief asked me what was wrong and I held up the phone.. he didn’t hear all of it, but what he did.. he just grabbed the phone and turned it off.

I went into the back kitchen and sat down on some milk crates.. literally stunned and shell shocked. He said that I had to understand that she was a paranoid schizo and to not take it personally.

I asked him how one could NOT take all that personally and having lived with a paranoid schizo for 18 years, it doesn’t ever NOT hurt.

He said that he had hoped I would never have to deal with her.. why he doesn’t want her in his life or around the boys. Every day was one extreme to the other and the best place she could be was where she was at.

I felt so beat up.. and so blindsided.. and I asked him how much more did I have to take? What the hell else was down the pike that I was going to get hit with?

He just put his arms around me because.. really.. what else could he do?

I talked to Bird again, relaying what happened. She said it didn’t sound like her aunt.. that maybe somebody else said something to her that made her turn on me the way she did.

You have to understand that from Bird’s perspective, Chief’s mother was more a victim of her marriage then an instigator in it. Bird’s father and Chief’s mother are brother/sister so there will be a biased. From Chief’s perspective, his mother.. her illness.. and her addictions caused as many disruptions as his father’s alcohol abuse.

I don’t know who to believe.. and it really isn’t important. It is not my place to take a side or pass judgement for other people’s past actions.. especially when I was not involved or personally affected.

All I knew was that I was put in the fire by someone who gave out my phone number and all arrows pointed to Sarge. That caused tension with Chief :: who as I’ve said before, doesn’t necessary have alot of good thoughts about his twin :: and he said something to his father about it.

Initially, my father in law said that he wasn’t going to bring it up with Sarge because it would be just another person in the middle. I respected him for that and told him that I didn’t WANT him in the middle. I would take it up with Sarge myself.

I think though that our relationship is such that it bothered him that I had been on the receiving end of such vile things because later on that afternoon, I got a phone call from Sarge insisting that it wasn’t him. Him and his wife were on speaker phone telling me all kinds of things to prove it wasn’t them.

I didn’t necessarily believe them until he mentioned that she had also called their other brother. The puzzle pieces started to fit because I had forgotten that this brother also had my phone number.

When Chief had been arrested, this brother called my phone and I’m may be going out on a limb but I believe that he didn’t know that the number he was calling was my personal cell phone and not our house phone.

She may have contacted him asking for Chief’s number because from what I hear from ALL parties, Chief was the only son who cared enough about her to try to help her at all.

I haven’t received a call since then.. and I doubt that I will.

I just finding it hard to wrap my brain around just how fucked up this family truly is.. remember, my family is nothing.. nothing.. NOTHING like this and I feel like I’m hanging on to an empty water bottle in the middle of the ocean in trying to digest everything.

Yknow… you just have to sit back and laugh at the mental genius of junkies. So smart that they have their own stock pile of helmets and crayons on the short bus.

What I find the funniest of all is how they try to convince you that that they’re being truthful and honest and NOW living their life right.

They want you to belive that they are trying oh so hard to be a productive member of society and it isn’t THEIR fault that they got caught doing what they were doing… it isn’t THEIR fault that they even started doing what they were doing.. it isn’t THEIR fault that they had to do prison time.. it isn’t THEIR fault that they don’t have to be responsible for anything because oh, let’s see.. you’ll just get ‘Bama Bucks :: aka: food stamps :: courtesy of the state.

Anyone with even TWO brain cells can see right through that. And even without the personal knowledge, I’ve watched A&E’s Intervention enough to know their midset.

At any rate.. so yesterday when I stopped at the shop after work, Bubba was there and he said that his crack whore mother told him that the reason why she can’t get a job at like WalMart is because they do background checks.. oh, and that she won’t work at like McDonald’s or something.

So before Chief could say anything, I said BULLSHIT really loud. I told him that the reason why she didn’t work is because she didn’t WANT to work and that one of my really good friend was a strung out hard core junkie who was addicted to every chemical you could shoot, swallow or snort … was homeless for nine years and did things to strangers in the back seat of cars that would make hard core molesters blush. She robbed people.. she robbed business’.. she took advantage of everything and everybody AND went to jail for it more then a few times.

BUT…

She went to rehab.. cleaned herself up.. went to school and now works for a company with over 8000 employees and makes a damn good salary.

So it’s bullshit when the Prima Donna of the Gutter plays the “Poor Me” violin that she can’t get a job because of her record. She doesn’t want to … has no desire to.. wants to live the life of getting what she needs from other people.

Like the 1000.00 bail for Weed
Like the 265.00 to stay out of jail for not paying child support.

I don’t get the attraction of getting wasted.. I don’t understand how being completely out of your mind is something that you actively seek to do..

She constanlty says that she doesn’t do any of that anymore… yet she can’t formulate a two word sentence most of the time. She swears that Weed doesn’t deal anymore and yet I had a girl come in the shop who was just out of rehab pleading with Chief to tell Weed not to call her offering pills anymore.

I don’t understand that life style because I never thought I was entitled to anything just because my life was rough.. I never wanted anything that I couldn’t work for and get myself.. I never wanted to be put in that box of being addiction’s bitch.