I’m Suing The WPCA, SPCA, ASPCA and PETA for Emotional Extortion!

Ok.. I’m done.

I’m in bed with Chief snoring next to me.. Moan-ah at the foot of the bed.. and Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy doing his neurotic OMG I HAVE TO GET UNDER THE COVERS routine and doesn’t stop until he’s all wrapped up like a burrito.

The dog’s an idiot.

The internet is not offering anything stimulating so I figured I’ll turn on the tv because that will put me to sleep in like.. 5 minutes.

I switch the channel to Discover I.D. or something like that..

So I’m watching this show and then THE commercial comes on..

The sad music..

The voice over saying, “… she watched her mother get shot and now she lives in a wooden box.”

The video showing a baby monkey in a crate..

No! NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!

The voice over saying, “.. he watched his mother get beaten to death”

The video showing a baby bear cub.. patches of hair missing.. iron collar around his neck chained to a post..

The voice over saying, “.. now he gets beaten unless he dances”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I start humming out loud, desperately trying to find the remote that’s all twisted up in the Ernie burrito..

The voice overs keep coming, “.. she saw her sisters be drown” … “he saw his mother worked to death”..

And I’m afraid to even THINK about looking at the television screen because if there’s anything.. ANYTHING.. I’m a sucker for it’s animals and seeing pictures like that.. or hearing stories like that.. or even THINKING about things happening like that make me a big puddle of weepy jello ..

I go to jump out of bed and manually change the channel but I forgot Bella is sleeping on the floor next to the bed so when I put my feet on the floor, I accidentally step on her.. and of COURSE it would be on the side where she has really bad arthritis on her hip.. so she yelps and gets up and starts hobbling..

Now I’m devastated and I’m trying NOT to step on her again as I try to get around her and her black coat in a dark room when I catch a picture of the baby donkey with it’s front leg tied to it’s back leg trying to walk and then I just LOST IT.

LOST IT!

I start the whole silent sob thing because of what’s been lasered into my brain and because of hurting Bella and of course, I’m not really silent doing anything so it wakes Chief up.

He gets all panicky because I’m crying and he’s trying to get me to tell him what’s wrong and I can’t get the words out so all I can do it point at the tv and then he gets it.

Because if there is only one thing this man knows.. he knows how I am and how I get when animals are involved.

It’s the sole reason why I’m not allowed to name the fish.

So he does his whole boo-boo face “awwww” thing and while I’m crying on his shoulder about all the cruelty in the world he tells me I’m adorable and this.. THIS.. THIS COMPASSION is the reason why he loves me so much.

And here I thought it was my hot, rockin’ body!!

I start to get over myself and apologize for waking him up and he tells me it’s fine.. and then goes on this litany of why these organizations make these commercials just to get reactions like this from pathetic people like me.

ME: Um.. wait? I’m pathetic? Didn’t you just say I was adorable?

HIM: Well.. um.. your adorable BECAUSE you’re pathetic.

ME: You’re an asshole.

HIM: I know..

ME: Good night, honey.

HIM: ‘Night, baby.

‘Cause that’s just how we roll!

Mensa Meeting At 4am

Do you see the time??

It’s 4 freakin’ 30 in the AM .. as in MORNING.. as in WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAZY BITCH DOING WRITING A POST??

Yknow.. something are just too damn bizarro not to write in the moment.

So .. ok.. I wake up to Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy flung over my chest like a bean-bag.. his head nuzzling my neck and he’s doing that insane nasally whine thing that he does.

For those of you who don’t know, Ernie thinks he’s a boy without thumbs. My fault. I made him that way. He was way too young when we got him and I was all hearing whatever biological thing was ticking and so he became my baaaaabbbbbbyyyyy. He’s a lot older then 6 weeks now and he’s a mental head so I guess I have to live with it.

A’ight.. so he’s doing his whining thing and I know it’s because he wants to go O-U-T :: I have to spell it because if he hears the word he’ll want to go again!! :: Usually, Chief takes them around 6am but I guess him getting up to go to the bathroom threw off Ernie’s routine.

Or he needs a watch. Or maybe he just needs to tell time, dammit.

So he’s bugging me since I was already awake :: I hate when I fall asleep too early because Chief is watching Entering the Worm Hole for the millionth time! :: and I figure I’ll take them out and give Chief the morning off.

Ernie’s all excited .. WE’RE GOING OUT! WE’RE GOING OUT! WAKE UP BELLA, WE’RE GOING OUT!!! .. which makes Bella all confused because you know, she’s old and probably senile and the only thing she’s really concerned with is getting the treat when they come in so she’s WHOOOO WHOOO WHOOO-ing .. they’re both weaving themselves in and out of my ankles as I’m trying to get out of bed.. find my shoes.. grab my cigarettes and glasses and find my way  out of the bedroom without waking the house up or tripping over Chief’s shorts that he left on the floor.

Now.. for those of you who don’t know, I live in a big old single house that’s on the point of where three streets intersect. I have a fairly decent size front lawn.. a fairly decent size side lawn that runs the length of the house to the fairly decent back yard. It’s just big enough to piss you off when you have to either mow it or shovel the sidewalks when it snows. Unfortunately, I don’t have a fence. The owner of this Ghetto Chateau wouldn’t allow up to put one up even though we offered to pay for the whole thing.

Ok.. so never mind about that.

Anyway.. Ernie has to be kept on a leash because he’s a runner. He still has his balls :: which are going to be clipped soon, little dog! :: and so we have something like 4 extra long leashes tied together for him. Bella is a WHOLE other story. She’s old and slow and fat and has arthritis in her hips. She’s kinda like a baby seal. Plus, even though she may bark she only has about 3 teeth left and their wobbly so she is absolutely no threat to anyone. I don’t put her on a leash because she sticks to the grass does her business and goes back inside.

Now.. I know you’re going to scream at me that accidents happen and the what not.. and you’re absolutely right. I don’t condone walking dogs off a leash but trust me, you can cut me some slack on this one.

Anyway.. 604+ words later..

So I’m outside with the dogs and it’s beyond quiet. I live across the street from a cemetery and since we’re basically behind the center of town there’s no traffic.. no people.. no nothing. Just me and the dogs. We’re on the side of the house near the big ass shade tree when I hear a car roll up and when I turn around I’ m staring into head lights.

The city girl in me is like, WTF Asshole??? And then the little red and blue lights start flashing and then the suburban girl in me is like WTF ASSHOLE??? You see the illustrious police force here are a bunch of morons.. idiots and douchebags. All four of them.

So when I face the car, DoucheBadge #311 says to me: Do you want to tell me what you’re doing out at this hour? To which I responded Are you KIDDING me? while holding up the dog leash.

DoucheBadge #311 looks at Ernie and says: Is that your dog?

At that point, I thought he  may have been referring to Bella but she’s black and back in the dark part of the yard laying down near a pile of broken tree branches. I knew she was there but there was no way he hell he could of. So I was like Um.. yeaaaa.. I just take random people’s dog for walks at 4 o’clock int he morning.

DoucheBadge #311 gets out of the car and says .. I kid you not .. Why are you walking your dog at 4am? And I’m all ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DO YOU NOT THINK I’D RATHER BE IN BED??? which came out as: Um.. because he had to go to the bathroom? Complete with shoulder shake and head bob.

He actually looked confused and further established that this is THE most idiotic police department in the county by saying You are aware that there are leash laws in this borough? I hold up Ernie’s blue leash and tell him that there’s a dog attached to the other end. And then I swear I saw a flash of the 12 year old boy who used to get bullied in the school year because he responded Yea.. well.. there’s litter laws too!!

By now I’m done playing the game. I wanted to get back in the house.. back to sleep.. AND get the one dog who was OFF the leash back inside without him seeing that she was OFF the leash :: I did have a plan in case he spotted her though :: so I say to him: Are you looking for somebody or SHOULD you be looking for somebody because I have my LEASHED dog on my OWN property and I’m sure there are TONS of meth heads and drunks on the boulevard RIGHT NOW that you could be harassing.

He did not appreciate that.

At all.

He said: You could be arrested for disorderly conduct.

So I rolled my eyes and said: Fine. Let me put the dog in the house, throw on some socks and underwear and I’ll be right out so you can do that, ok Bucky?

Here’s the thing. When I know that I’m in trouble for doing something that I actually did then yea, I get all worried about being sent up to the big house and being somebody’s bitch but this bullshit is just bullshit and he knew that I knew it was bullshit but he had committed to laying down the bullshit.

He wound up getting a call over the radio .. I think there was a donut delivery at Dunkin’ Donuts that needed his immediate attention.. and so he gets back into his car saying: Keep that dog on a leash.

So he drives off and I come back in the house with the dogs.. wake Chief up and tell him that he has dog duty from now on. He just grunted and went back to sleep and I just had to tell SOMEBODY about this!! LOL!!

Lucky.. lucky you!!

Fur Baby 4: ALFONZ

Okay.. so about two weeks ago or so, me and Chief headed out to Dunkin’ Donuts around 11pm.

Just let me reinstate the fact that we’re idiots. We knew.. KNEW.. we didn’t have any coffee at the house OR the store for that matter so does ONE OF US drive the three blocks to WalMart and get a HUGE can of Maxwell House for 5 bucks?

Nope.

For one, he can’t drive yet and two, we’re just idiots.

So off to DD we head.

When we get into the car, I hear this tiny little meow. Then I hear it again. Chief’s ignoring it.. and me.. because he knows what’s going to happen.

ME: Did you hear that?
HIM: Hear what?
ME: The cat meowing
HIM: um…….. nope
ME: YOU DID! YOU DID! YOU DID HEAR IT, BASTARD!

Anyway.. so he tells me that he did hear it.. DOES hear it, as a matter of  fact, every morning for the past three days when he leaves for work. Apparently, the people that lived across the street moved out leaving the kitty to fend for itself. After giving him the GLARE.OF.DEATH he tells me when we get back from DD he’ll put some food out for it.

Cool.

So we go get coffee and on the way back.. just as I’m pulling the car next to the house, he jumps out of the car and run up into our back yard. Before I know what the HELL is going on, he races into the house. The word “SQUIRT” entered my head ‘cuz yknow, those things DO happen but I follow him into the house and he’s on the back porch with this little meowing kitten.

I guess the look on my face said it all because before I got a word out he explained that when we pulled up, he saw the kitten in our yard about to have the crap kicked out of it by the yellow feral cat that’s in the neighborhood. He did the “psst psst psst” thing that people do with cats :: the one that I personally haven’t mastered :: and the kitten just about jumped into his arms.

So while I was all … Awww.. I love this man.. he gave her food and water and put the gate up so that Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy wouldn’t bother her. We went into the bedroom and I was like We gonna keep him? We gonna keep him? and he was like I dunno .. so I started to come up with names because yknow, once you NAME an animal it’s yours, right?

So I started saying Bob .. or Chuck.. or Ronald.. and he said Alfonz and I loved it.

It wasn’t until the next morning when I picked her up that I realized he was actually a she and realized that she wasn’t about to the the crap kicked out of her by the other cat, but brutually jail raped. When I told Chief, I knew that as much as he isn’t fond of cats he wasn’t going to put her out knowing she’d be in danger so she’s been with us ever since.

And let me tell you.. she is one crazy cat. She sleeps in the bathtub.. or the sink.. turns up in cabinets or in the laundry hamper.

In other words… she fits.

Guilt: The Devil’s 4am Workshop

Did you ever have one of those moments where one thought .. or one comment .. just bounces around in your mind like a pinball.. and it leads to another thought and then another thought and then another thought and so on and so on and so on??

Welcome to the Devil’s 4am Workshop on Guilt.

So for the past hour or so I’ve been wrestling with some major, major guilt over Bella.

If you don’t already know the story of Bella, then basically all you need to know is that I found her about 12 or 13 years ago when she was a savagely abused puppy roaming the park next to my house.

She was only a few months old.. covered in fleas and ticks. Her tail chopped off.. paws burned.. rope so tight around her neck that it started to embed in her flesh. I already had two other dogs but there was really no other thought then to keep her.

I was still married to the Spawn from Satan’s Ass at the time. We lived in a good sized home (for 2 people anyway) with more then enough ground for three dogs to run around on. We also had a doggie door so they would go out whenever they wanted.. stay out for as long as they wanted and come in whenever they wanted.

And no, I never had to worry about anyone coming through the doggie door. My other two dogs were German Shepherds.

Inevitably, there came a time when Bella was the last dog we had .. the other two having passed within a year of each other. This was the first time that Bella didn’t have any dog companions and my ex and I were at a point in our relationship .. well, there really wasn’t a relationship left .. but there was no way that I was going to bring another animal in the house. He didn’t work anyway, so it was very rare that she was alone for long periods of time.

When his alcoholism and bipolar-ness became too dangerous to live around, I left and moved in with my mom.  Initially, I took Bella with me but moving into the inner city row house the size of a shoe box with a 2×4 cement yard was a huge adjustment for her. Plus, both my mother and I worked and she did nothing but howl and cry all day.

Not fair to her OR the neighbors.

So I talked with the ex and I brought her back to him. I don’t think he necessarily mistreated her in anyway.. but he used her to get to me and there were times when he would call me up threatening to put her to sleep or drive her down to my mother’s and leave her tied to her railing.

It was manipulative and stressful and so so unwarranted but that’s what I was dealing with at the time.

When my ex went to jail for his second DUI, I tried bring Bella to Chief’s house one night but at the time Cat 1 was around and he definitely wasn’t dog friendly. Bella had never been around cats before and there was a tense moment where I was afraid for her safety. So as much as Chief kept telling me to just move Bella in, I was reluctant and for about a week I left her alone at the house.

I would get up at 5am.. drive over to the house.. feed her.. spend a half hour or so.. go to work.. stop back on the way home from work.. feed her.. spend some time and then leave.

I did what I thought was best at the time but in reality, it was the wrong thing. For a dog used to having constant company.. and then to be alone for 23 out of 24 hours.. I think it did something to her psyche.

Maybe I’m putting human emotions onto an animals but it’s how I feel and so it is what it is.

It was obviously too much of a strain on Bella AND too much stress for me and so I didn’t have any other choice but to move Bella into the house.

Even though I worked and the kids were in school, Chief had started his lay off period from his job so he was home with her and made sure that Cat didn’t make ribbons out of her eyeballs. It was still a big adjustment for her .. especially because here, there was no doggie door. So there was many, many, many nights that you would find me and her walking the neighborhood at 2am because she had to go to the bathroom.

Or.. because.. she wanted to go home. To her home. There was no way to explain to a dog that this was the way things were now.. it was just time. Time until she got used to things being the way they were.

The thing is now.. and why I’m up at now 5am typing this between sobs and wet tissues is that at her age, she having a hard time holding her pee. Every day there’s a new wet spot on the bedroom carpet. She doesn’t do it purposely .. and it could be when no one is home OR when we’re all home.. I think basically she gets up and she can’t hold it. It gets taken care of as soon as it’s discovered but it’s still frustrating.

So tonight.. Chief got up to go to the bathroom and as soon as his feet hit the floor next to his bed, he hit a wet spot and it isn’t so much that he freaked out.. but it wasn’t exactly something that puts on in a GOOD mood in the middle of the night. So he tells me that he doesn’t want her in the bedroom when we’re not at home and it isn’t so much that I took it personally or that I thought he condemning ME .. but it just started to bounce in my head that me and Bella have been on such a long journey together and I started to question whether or not I made the right decision to take her from her home where she could come and go as she pleased and put her in a situation where she’s getting yelled at for doing something she can’t help.

Eventually, the ex did get out of jail and I forced his hand to sell the house. Maybe I shouldn’t have done that. Maybe, if I had agreed to still pay half the mortgage, Bella would be in a better place. Getting the exercise that she needs and the freedom that she had.

It’s difficult playing the COULDA WOULDA SHOULDA game and the way parents do what they need to do for in their kids best interest, I think the same way about Bella.

Let me just say that I don’t do the whole dress up your dog and paint their nails pink thing. I know she’s a dog.. but she’s my responsibility and she relies on me to do what’s best for her and right now, I don’t think I did and it hurts. A lot.

I’m carrying a lot of guilt that I’m sure any junior league psychiatrist will tell me that I don’t have to.. and logically, I know that they’re right but if anything has my heart completely it’s this dog.

It’s hard to admit that I’ve been negligent.. but I have been and I’m going to have to change that.

Devil, please go away .. I need to get up in an hour!

Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy Found God..

.. and then he ate him

Oh.. that little dog!!!

He’s going to need all the God in him that he can get once Chief gets home!!! LOL