Peanut Butter Bandit

Chief has this thing with peanut butter .. he has to be the first person to crack it open and stick his finger in it.

Have no clue why ..

Maybe it’s because he has three brothers all close in age and one of them always got to the peanut butter first?

Or maybe it’s his equivalent to a dog lifting is leg and marking his territory..

I’m clueless .. and I really DON’T want to know..

Anyway… so you get it .. it’s a big deal.

The last time we had to buy peanut butter I figured I’d throw him a curve ball and stick my own finger in there first. Not sure how I was going to do that but as we meandered up and down the supermarket aisle, it dawned on me ..

Perfect ..

So when he wasn’t looking, I grabbed the jar and snuck it in my jacket pocket .. praying upon praying that the security cameras wouldn’t catch me..

Because really … think about trying to explain all that, right?

Once tucked safely in my jacket, I tell him I had to go to the bathroom.. no big surprise there. With the amount of coffee I drink, I pee enough for a pregnant woman. With twins.

I’m not a fan of public bathrooms.. at all .. but I made sure that I didn’t touch A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G and pulled off half a roll of paper towels so I could get to the middle guaranteed-germ-free section of the roll .. opened the jar.. cursed while trying to peel back the silver safety cover just enough so that I could replace it :: obviously put there to prevent people from opening it up in a supermarket bathroom :: and then stuck my finger in the jar.

It was better then an orgasm.

Well..

Ok..

It wasn’t but almost as close!

Anyway .. I put the jar back in my pocket .. wipe the glob of peanut butter off my finger :: you really didn’t think I was going to eat it, did you? :: found Chief and covertly slipped the jar back in the cart.

Once home, I left him and the boys in the kitchen to empty the grocery bags and put thing away. They act like they’ve been deprived of anything edible when we go food shopping and if not supervised, would sit on the kitchen floor and dump all the food around them.. and gorge like they were Roman.

From my bedroom, I hear a raised voice:

WHO DID IT? HUH? HUH? WHO DID IT?

And I hear the whimpers:

but i didn’t! i swear! it wasn’t me! you were right here the whole time!

Giggling, I go into the kitchen and ask what’s all the yelling about .. Chief tells me that we have to go back to the market. Somebody DARED to finger the peanut butter! Can you believe that? Don’t they know it’s a sin to waste? Now we have to go back there and convince the customer service women that WE weren’t the one’s who fingered it.

And all I did was look at him and laughed my fucking ass off.

I finally told him why the peanut butter was fingered and even though he was acting all ‘manly’ because I pulled one over on him, he had to admit that that I got him good.

So now.. what do you think is going to happen the NEXT time we buy peanut butter?