Eyes Wide Shut (a.k.a. Mirror Check)

Posted: December 31, 2010 in Bubba, Just Me
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,


I’ll be the first one to admit that I can be a real stubborn hard ass. Some :: especially those 22 and under :: will probably say that translates into bitch.

But also understand that it’s always with the best of intentions.

I don’t want to see these kids fail. I want them to grow into decent, respectful men with a good work ethic. I want them to think of others before themselves. I want them to have an education that will allow them to do whatever it is they want in life.

And no.. I haven’t dipped into to any of Weed’s pills.

I think that’s what every parent wants for their kid. :: Crack Whore not included :: and I :: unlike their father :: know that it’s not easy.. you won’t be popular.. you’ll be called a bitch :: or worse :: and they are going to fight you every step of the way. But you have to do it because you failing means that they fail.

One thing, I am not is a quitter. One thing I am, is a fighter. And believe me, I fight for these kids.. even against themselves. And maybe I don’t always do things the right way but it’s my way.

Would I do things the same way if these were my own kids? Absolutely. More so, I think, because I know I hold back because they aren’t my bio-kids. And not being their bio-parent makes things that much harder. Especially when their father can’t find it in his being to be tougher then mush. Believe me, he knows as well as they do that he doesn’t have a spine when it comes to discipling them.

The issues and problems I’ve had with these boys has been well documented on this blog. Just click on any of their categories and you’ll see what I’m saying.. but it seems that there’s this << insert grunting noise here>> dynamic with Bubba.

Maybe it’s his age.

He was 12 when I came into his life.. Spaz had just turned 9 and being the youngest with abandonment issues made him the type of kid that would just automatically cling to whatever female came into his life. Weed was 17 so he was already doing his own thing and didn’t really care what female came into his life.

But Bubba, I think, was different. He was old enough to witness the demise of his family. He was old enough to remember their arguing.. their fighting.. his mother’s behavior.. his father sleeping in the car because he didn’t want to be near her..

After they split, the Crack Whore had kept Bubba and Spaz with her. Why, I don’t know.. especially when the reason she wanted out in the first place is because she “.. didn’t feel like being a mother anymore”. I’m going to make the safe bet and say it was for the child support checks.

At any rate, she would put the kids in daycare.. pick them up at 6:30.. throw a plate of mac and cheese or ramaan noodles at them for dinner and then put them to bed. So how much time did she really spend with them?

After their father got custody, he was hardly around either. He did work his ass off to provide for them but at what cost? Time.

Truthfully, I don’t know who many women HE was with that came in and out of the kids life but by the time he met me, I think as much as Bubba wanted to have a “mom”.. he didn’t trust that she would stick around. So he would self-preserve. Get all the good things that he could get.. or wanted.. but wouldn’t give himself over completely and make it a two way street. I don’t think that was willing to give his heart or his emotions or his trust completely fearing that it would one day go away.

Sad, right?

The thing is, me and Bubba are a lot alike. We both like to sleep late.. watch stupid videos on YouTube.. play video games.. hate anything that has to do with fish.. maybe we’re too much alike.

But something happened last night that made me put a check on myself because it was probably the last thing that I would have expected and it literally blew me away.

Last night at dinner, we told the kids that they were going to have to start clearing out their bedroom and get rid of stuff that was broken, didn’t fit, didn’t want, etc. I didn’t want to move a lot of crap to West Virginia, especially because we weren’t going to have a lot of storage space right away.

So Bubba asked me for a container for his sports card collection which made Spaz get his ass in gear because God forbid is Bubba does something that may garner him praise without Spaz wanting the same attention.

While they were cleaning out their room, Bubba came out holding a birthday card and said, “.. I kept this for a reason” and handed it to me.

I looked at it but didn’t necessarily remember it, which is odd in itself because I literally remember every card I give.. where I was when I bought it, etc. So at first I thought that it was a card that he had kept for years. It was one of those mildly humorous generic ones.. something about not being able to afford a gift but picked  a good one anyway and when you opened it up there was a pop-up of a guy picking his nose. “Love Dad” was written in pen and then something in pencil that I couldn’t really focus on because did you ever try to write on a glossy card in pencil?

So I was like, “… oookkk???” because obviously I wasn’t getting why he was showing me the card.

He said said something about the signature and when I looked closer, what was written in pencil was Spaz’s name, the dogs names and the cat’s name.

He said, ‘.. you’re name is missing.”

And then in a flash, it all came back to me.

From October 2009 into his birthday in January 2010.. Bubba and I were like nitro and a tsunami. We clashed big time and at one point, he went to go live with the Crack Whore for 2 weeks at the end of October only to return home in mid-November.. we patched things up and had a good Christmas but then things went haywire again between then and his birthday.

And it was bad. I’m sure it’s been written about on here but the only post I found was THIS one. I really didn’t want to go back and relive that time.

The last thing I wanted to do back then was go shopping for his birthday presents. But I did.. and got the cake.. and made his favorite foods for dinner. Knowing me, I didn’t sign the card because sometimes I’m a stubborn hard ass and I wasn’t digging the fact that this teenager was being trying to roll me and could care less about anything I said or asked or wanted.

He ignored me that whole night.. thanked his father for dinner event though I made it.. thanked his father for his gifts.. even though I bought them.

What I didn’t realize then.. but hit me like a ton of bricks last night.. is that, like me, Bubba keeps everything inside. He was acting the same way I was.. or was reacting in the same way. He doesn’t have heart to hearts when heart to hearts would heal .. he waits and brings it up later.. probably because :: like me :: he needs to digest things and figure out the right words for the right situations.

And it made me think back to a few months ago when his teachers called to discuss enrolling him in Cyber School. They thought it was a good idea.. I was willing to give it a shot since we had already closed the store and his father would be home to keep him on point :: with me pushing behind him, of course ::.. but Chief wasn’t sold on the idea. So I went to bat for him and got Chief to agree.

Bubba didn’t know anything about it and I knew he was going to be stoked to not have to get up and go to school anymore so I sent him a text saying, “… got good news. You’re going to love me for life even if you think I’m a complete bitch”

He texted back saying, “.. Ik u try hard n i appreciate it”

Yes, I saved it.

It wasn’t anything that I was expecting and nothing having to do with anything regarding school.

I realized that I am getting through to this kid.. that he wants me here.. he cares if I’m here or not.. if I’m happy or not.. he just doesn’t know how to show it in a way that doesn’t embarrass his almost 16 year old mentality or how to get past all scarring from his childhood.

And I have to recognize that.. and keep that in the back of my head.. because neither of us are perfect and we’re both going to make mistakes.

He’s been showing a more mature self with this move.. he’s growing up and maybe we’ll both be able to get passed the past and maybe moving will put us in a better place both physically AND mentally.

  1. Mrs.Wayne says:

    This post was very touching. Bubba seems like a sweet kid who needs you in his life. It’s nice to know you’ve made a difference, huh? Happy New Year, Leese!

  2. Keep going to that better place. I’m glad you realized a connection with Bubba. Quite the breakthrough.
    Can’t wait for your move & clean start.

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