Thoughts From My iPhone

.. As much as I hate to say this, if it wasn’t for Bella I’d move out of here tonight. I can’t do that to her.. She’s been through sooooo much that it breaks my heart to think about upheaving her life now.. Especially since she is really old and won’t be with me for much longer. It makes me want to cry.

God, what the hell did I do to my life?

Familiarity Breeds Contempt

Yes.. it’s THAT time again!!

The time when I get pissed off at everybody that lives under this roof because they’re pigs. No offense to pigs. Maybe I should say “lazy ass mother fucking slobs” .. not only is it a more accurate description but it will stop all the actual pig loving people from sending me hate mail.

Because, you know.. I actually LIKE real pigs.

So Lazy Ass Mother Fucking Slobs it is.

And that goes for my husband too.. who is SO NO BETTER then his kids.

Case in point:

Every single morning from Monday to Friday, I get up to Spaz’s school work, books and bag strewn all over the living room floor.

Every single morning I get up to find cups on the floor in the living room.. plates on the dining room table.. candy, gum and/or snack wrappers all over the computer desk and underneath the computer desk.

Every single morning I get up to find various bottles of condiments left on the kitchen counter.. with whatever is in side them left in plops either on the floor or on the kitchen door handles.

Every single morning I get up to find crumbs on the kitchen floor and counter and table.

Every single morning I get up to find wet towels on the bathroom floor.. tooth and hair brushes in the sink or on the floor next to the toilet and practically every bottle of shampoo, body wash, soap and razor blades on the bottle of the tub.

Every afternoon when I come home from the shop, the very first thing I do is pick up the dog poop on the front porch. I don’t necessarily have a problem with the dogs going there if necessary.. it beats them using the rest of the house and it’s much easier to clean then say.. oh, I don’t know.. the rugs.

Every night, after I make dinner, I wash the dishes.. clean the stove.. clean the counter and floor.. wipe down the dining room table and put the plates, utensils, pots and pans back where they belong and wipe down the sink.

Three or four nights a week, I do laundry.

Somewhere in between all that I clean the bathroom daily.

Mind you, my husband gets up before me and leaves for work about a half hour before I get up in the morning.

Yesterday, I spent the better part of the 24 hours sleeping because I didn’t feel good.

Did ANYONE pick up the dog poop? No. Did someone trample through a pile? Yes.

Did ANYONE clean up after the dinner of cheeseburgers that my husband made because I wasn’t making dinner? No.

Was there grease from those cheeseburgers all over the stove? Pans filled with grease and burnt cheese still on the stove? Dishes and glasses and mustard plops and crumbs on the counter?

The point is that NOBODY did ANYTHING yesterday. Nor do they do ANYTHING ANY DAY.

My husband gets up before me in the morning and if the dogs use the front porch over night, he steps right over it. Spaz’s school work? He walks over that too. Plates and cups and the what not? That too.

And they don’t give a shit. None of them.

You might be asking yourself why I still get upset about it.. I mean, I’ve been blogging about this shit for a long.. long time.

The fact is, I’m not upset about it.. Like the post title says, familiarity breeds contempt. And that’s where I am now. Contempt. Disapproval tinged with disgust.

The feeling of contempt didn’t start today .. for right or wrong, I no longer care about “their” things. I no longer care if they have a pencil for their homework.. no longer care if they need a ride to church or school.. no longer care if they have clean clothes.. or lunch money or whatever.

Can you drive me to church? Nope.. ask your mother.

Can you drive me to school? Nope. Why? Don’t feel like it.

Are you going to buy class pictures? Nope.. ask your mother or father.

What are we having for dinner? Whatever I make.

When is dinner going to be done? As soon as it is.

Can you help me with my homework? Ask your father when he gets home.

Now.. some of you may be thinking that I’m being child-ish. Or that I’m being just as bad as they are but in a different way. The only thing I can say is walk  a mile before you judge. Because if I can tell you anything with 100% certainty is that my marriage has changed.. my feelings have changed.. I don’t view HIS kids as MY step kids anymore.

I offered myself and my heart over and over again and not only has it NOT been appreciated but it’s been abused. And sorry, I’m not going to allow that to keep on happening.

Tonight at dinner ( hot dogs.. because I really don’t feel like going out of my way to make dinner for them ) all three of them are being told that they can’t rely on me anymore. As far as they should be concerned, I’m just somebody that lives here. No rides.. no money.. no laundry.. I am even contemplating moving into one of the spare bedrooms.

I used to feel bad for my husband.. you know, the single father raising three boys. But if there is a lesson here to be learned, then learn that you can never trust your heart. Your heart will ALWAYS  make the wrong decision when it comes to living your life.

1986 Self… ok, so I’m NOT a Bronte Sister!

A while ago, my girl Jean over at Jean Has Been Shopping issued a challenge:

Write a letter to your 1989 self.

And me.. ever one for a challenge did just that. Read it HERE if you want to amuse yourself!

Last week sometime I went to go visit my mom. I try NOT to visit her often and I know that sounds really, REALLY bad but for every 15 minutes of catch up I have to endure an hour lecture about finding a job.

Doesn’t matter that I tell her that I’m 45, DON’T live under her roof and DON’T hit her up for money .. she feels that she is allowed to constantly barrage me and it just wears me down.

Anyway.. off point there. Excuse the whine.

So I go down there and she tells me that she was cleaning her basement and found all this stuff of mine that she wants to give me.

Mind you, I moved into her house after I left my first husband and took 18 years of “stuff” with me.. add that to the “stuff” that I already had there and well, it’s a lot of stuff.

I don’t have room to move it all into my current house.. nor would I really want to because it’s “stuff” and if I learned anything about  myself from watching hour after hour of Hoarders, it’s that I’m seriously not one. In fact, I’m probably the polar opposite.

Eck.. sorry.. this is going in a whole different direction then intended!!

The whole point of this post is that my mother found my journals from 1986. I don’t know how.. didn’t remember where they even WERE :: first guess was in the drop ceiling of my bedroom but I can’t imagine her climbing on a chair and lifting panels :: but when she brought up the box from her basement with my stuff there they were.

And OMG!! Did I laugh!!

I always wrote. Even as a younger kid. Stories and diaries and the whatnot so there are so many different layers to travel back to but this one 5 subject, 200 page, college ruled notebook is just PRICELESS!!

So I think I’m going to share.

Because really… this is epic!! LOL!!

Wednesday, 9 April 1986

It looks like it’s going to rain. It’s chilly out, too. J came into work this morning but I wasn’t here. I saw the ticket for his clothes. He didn’t pick up his shirts though.

I was short $10 yesterday in the register so I had to make up the difference. I can’t figure out why I was short.

I had this really weird dream last night. I was with RR and JC and we were going over a bridge, and a car went over the side and into the water. then another car went over. I was going really fast and had to swerve no to go into the water. It looked like the bridge that burned down in Egg Harbor. It was black wood and went straight up and down. It was really stange because we were going to hike back over the bridge like everyone else was doing only on the outside of the bridge. The water was very green and choppy and it had white breakers.

I have these horrible cramps.

M told me that SJ and N are renting a room to celebrate their first year anniversary on April 12th. He’s such a dick. I can honestly say that I really don’t give a shit. Thinking about it now, it was like he was 80 cent short of a dollar. If I ever see him on the street, I mean I won’t go banannas. It’s interesting to see whether or not he’ll say hello to me or not. Probably the “I was going to call you..” line. I think it was a good experience for me though, because I had been the one who did the persuing and to an extent it worked. We had fun for a couple of nights. Maybe if I ever get my own house, I’ll build a bridge going from the dining room into the kitchen.

Well, it’s a quarter to five. Almost time to see Rick. I saw him last night. I waved. He waved. I saw him at 530, which is early. At least, it is compared to the last couple of days.

Dr. M’s fiance just came in. She’s fucking wackier then he is. She came in with Nurse S who’s really a wack off. She makes me go crazy writing up a ticket for this stupid jacket with a million stains on it, then I have to stick a million STAIN tickets on it. She finally leaves only to come back and tell me she changed her mind and wants the jacket back. So I get stuck taking all the tickets for the stains off. Here, she’s marrying the flake on Sunday. God forbid.

My mom just called and was bitching about me not giving the dog his pills. Plus, to top it off, she said she wanted to go to JCPenny’s

**CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!! I was all set to see Rick. the radio was blaring, my feet were up on the table VERY COMFORTABLE POSE!! And this fucking lady comes in and starts asking about her fur. He walks by, smiles, waves, I wave back and THAT’S IT!! **

So last night, I’d told her that we’d go. Now she doesn’t want to go. After she just babbled on about how much she needed pants, and that I told her we were going come hell or high water. You figure it.

But getting back to Rick.. he waved this time and smiled too. Which I think is breaking the ice a little. He passed by 20 of 6. After all, he waved first. i want him. He’s SO adorable. I can see us together. I really can. I smile every time I think about him.

I think I’m going to call M and see if she wants to go down to 3rd Street and do some shopping.

I can picture me sitting outside on the step during the summer and Rick walking back from work. By that time, I hope, we know each other a little better. So he’ll walk by and say “hi” or maybe I’ll have my walkman on and he’ll tap me on my head or something to get my attention. Then he’ll say something like “.. aren’t you suppose to be working” or the EVER POPULAR “enjoying the sun?” or “trying to get a tan?” and I’ll answer and then he’ll go into his apartment only to come back out again and sit on the step with me. We;ll start talking and I’ll bitch every time I see a customer and he’ll laugh and then right before I have to go in for good, he’ll as me what I was doing that night only in a really cool way like, “.. you wanna do something tonight?” or he might even say, “.. you wanna get together sometime” Of course, I’d say “yea”!

More shivers up my spine.

Ok.. is that HYSTERICAL or what?

To make sense of a few things:

• I was working in a dry cleaners in ’86
• Rick was a guy that lived across the street from the cleaners and wore a beret and army jacket. Love at first sight!! ROFLMAO
• SJ was a parking lot attendant that parked my car one night and got an immediate crush on. I would drive by the parking lot every night and beep at him until finally we hung out. Turns out he had a girlfriend who went to school with my BFF at the time. Small world.