Archive for September 1, 2010

I’m going to get into this in another post because I want to make sure that I can string the right words together but if you know me personally or been in contact with me since we got back from the Restoring Honor rall ythen you know that it has had a profound effect on me.

I wasn’t sure whether I was just amped up or if the feelings I had in my heart were in fact, life altering.

I had some time to really think about things and you know, I really believe that God puts us where we are for a reason and there’s a reason why I’m sitting right here, on this bed, in this house typing this right now.

Don’t worry.. not going to get all Bible thumpin’ on you but every one who reads this blog knows the frustrations I’ve been having with my step-kids and my husband’s sever lack of parenting.

And while I was thinking about how absent God is in this families life, even though sometimes my Pentecostal Evangelist husband can be a “God Snob” and I have a deep seated faith.. the lack of focus and dedication has eroded what little foundation this family had.

So the other night I basically told Chief what was in my heart.. because even if you sugar coat it a little, the truth does indeed set one free. It removes the burdens on one’s heart.. lifts the mantle from your shoulders and brakes the chains that bind.

Sorry.. was that a little preachy? Don’t mean it to be… but it’s rrrreeaaallly early and the caffeine hasn’t kicked in yet.

Anyway.. I told him that his kids are drifting away and that he may be tired.. he may not want to be near them.. he may not want to deal with  their bickering or fighting but he HAD to.. HE was their father and they have never needed him more then they do now. I suggested that we start the day with a morning family prayer. He might not want to.. they might grumble.. but it was something that had to be done. I told him that we needed to start bringing them to church and that HE needed to spend more time with them.

I don’t know why it touched his heart this time.. I’ve said this all before (except for the prayer part) and that night at dinner we had a conversation with them over dinner.

We talked about personal responsibility and having integrity and a strong character and that he would wake them up before work in the morning and we would start off with a prayer and hopefully it would open the door to them having their own relationship with God. That we were a family and each person has a role in this family and we’re responsible for each other and well.. just all kinds of stuff that I’m going to omit.. not because they aren’t important but I just want to get to the point of the post.

You’re thanking me.. I know!

Anyway.. the Crack Whore hasn’t sent Child Support all summer and with all the other bills and (No Longer) Weeds fines that I promised to pay money was really really tight. So I let the kids know that the Crack Whore was going to have to get their school stuff. And she did.. she took Bubba on Monday night and Spaz last night. I don’t know what she bought them and I really don’t care because it dawned on me what my role is in this family and why I’m here.

I found my place.

The boys have a father. They have a mother. I don’t have to be either. I shouldn’t be either. It became SO crystal clear that my role here is not to be a parental figure but to make HIM a better father and to make HER be a mother. Not just the buy-whatever-you-want-because-I’m-better-then-your-father “mother” but the leaving early from work because the kid is sick  mother.. the parent teacher conference mother.. the I-need-money-for-a-field-trip mother.

Before Saturday, I was like, yknow what? She’s going to pay child support one way or the other.. either through the court or by default. SHE can deal with the bullshit they get into at school and how in about three weeks Bubba is going to start not doing homework again and fucking up in school. If questioned by her, my answer was going to be that I provide the roof.. the water.. the electricity and the food. And I’m going to be honest in saying that it wasn’t without malice that I thought that. I was pissed off.. I was angry.. I was weary and frustrated and all those negative words.

After Saturday, it dawned on me that although I have a responsibility to some extent to these kids I can’t keep putting their well being on MY shoulders. They had them.. it’s their cross to bear, so to speak. Mine name won’t be on the contact cards. I won’t be emailing teachers and hounding the kids about homework.

I’ve been fighting the wrong fight.. and maybe that’s why it hasn’t been going my way.

So last night at dinner, Spaz asked me if I was going to drive him to school. He is going to a different one this year.. one that’s closer to our  house so he already knew that he would be walking daily ( he could have ridden his bike if he hadn’t been lazy and left it on the side of the house in stead of bringing it inside and it was stolen ) but it was the first day and I guess he had the butterflies.

So I told him no. I wasn’t driving him but maybe he can call the Crack Whore and see if she can drive him in. At first he said that he couldn’t because she went into work early. Because I don’t believe in coincidences, I know that her calling right at that moment was divine intervention.

He asked her and at first she said that she couldn’t but then further into the conversation she said that she would. Chief listened to everything but never said a word to me.. not even when we ran to the supermarket after dinner. I thought about bringing it up but refrained. There really was nothing to say.

And when we came back from the supermarket and Bubba still hadn’t washed his ice cream bowl after being asked twice, I asked him again and went ahead and did other things.

Around 10pm, Spaz went to bed and I mentioned to Chief that Bubba’s mess was STILL on the kitchen counter. He left the bedroom to say something to him and when he came back he said that Spaz had did them. When? Because I just saw them. He said that Spaz “.. just did them”.

Ok.

So I waited about 15 minutes.. went into the kitchen and washed all the dishes that “.. Spaz just did”.

I came back into the bedroom and said, “.. just so you know? I just did the dishes.”

He didn’t respond and it dawned on me that I am Mrs. Livingstone. You know her. The nanny from The Courtship Of Eddie’s Father?

I’m the maid.. the cook.. the laundry czar.

And I’m okay with that because that means I’m not the chauffer, the referee, the parent to kids that aren’t mine. I’m the ball boy who stepped up to home plate thinking I could hit a home run but struck out instead and that’s fine. I’ll leave the swinging to the players who signed up for the job and go back to my rightful place.

It may mean that when the pressure gets put on the boys parents that my marriage may fail.. it may prove my suspicions that my husband’s was looking for SOMEbody, not necessarily ME so that he wouldn’t have to deal with raising his kids.. but whatever the truths surface.. it will be the truth and while the truth does hurt.. it also sets you free.

But I’m at peace with all that.. just as I’m at peace with finally finding my rightful place.

It will be interesting if nothing else!!