Putting You On The Hot Seat

Ok.. I know you’re waiting for the main event but I have to throw this in first because I happened to mention it to Chief a few weeks ago and earlier today he brought it up so I’m throwing it out there for y’all..

Google toilet seat images.. you'll be AMAZED at how many really cool toilet seats there are. Who knew?

This thought had popped into my head that I will put my bare ass on a toilet seat, but if I had to sit on one with my pants up, I get all skeeved out.

Why?

Wouldn’t you think that because my ass is protected from the toilet seat by a layer of denim that it wouldn’t bother me?

It’s like I’m favoring my jeans from getting some type of demin-eating-disease over my skin and ass?

How can that possibly make any sense?

Well.. in my world it does but you know what I’m saying..

The other thing is that I will sit on the toilet lid with my pants up .. but NEVER EVEN CONCEIVE of the idea if my pants are down.

Isn’t that like a double standard?

Because wouldn’t you think a CLOSED toilet lid is CLEANER then the seat since ours is always up anyway and there are any number of bare asses that sit on the seat beside mine?

Which is why.. yknow.. I always spray mine down with the handy bottle of Clorox Clean-Up I keep on the bathroom window sill.

So I randomly mention this to Chief a few days ago and he is all.. yknow.. why didn’t I find out her real name was Abby Normal before I married her.. until this morning when he tells me that he realized that HE just can’t sit on the toilet seat with his pants up.. even for a few minutes.. he tried and just can’t do it either.

So I’m putting this out there for you, Blog-O-Sphere…

Can YOU sit on a toilet seat with your pants up??

Trying This From My iPod Touch

.. so today was the SECOND time in a week that I hauled off and punched some simple ass bitch..

I’ll write about it when I get home tonight but people.. I told ya this was coming!

The cops came.. But I wasn’t arrested or even hadcuffed for that matter. At 104 degrees, I think EVERYBODY is just too hot to make any effort in doing anything. Least of all cops..

Let me tell you.. Trying to blog on an iPod Touch fucking sucks!!

We’ll sit down and yak over coffee later but for now, Leese is OUT!!

I’m Suing The WPCA, SPCA, ASPCA and PETA for Emotional Extortion!

Ok.. I’m done.

I’m in bed with Chief snoring next to me.. Moan-ah at the foot of the bed.. and Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy doing his neurotic OMG I HAVE TO GET UNDER THE COVERS routine and doesn’t stop until he’s all wrapped up like a burrito.

The dog’s an idiot.

The internet is not offering anything stimulating so I figured I’ll turn on the tv because that will put me to sleep in like.. 5 minutes.

I switch the channel to Discover I.D. or something like that..

So I’m watching this show and then THE commercial comes on..

The sad music..

The voice over saying, “… she watched her mother get shot and now she lives in a wooden box.”

The video showing a baby monkey in a crate..

No! NO! NOOOOOOOO!!!

The voice over saying, “.. he watched his mother get beaten to death”

The video showing a baby bear cub.. patches of hair missing.. iron collar around his neck chained to a post..

The voice over saying, “.. now he gets beaten unless he dances”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I start humming out loud, desperately trying to find the remote that’s all twisted up in the Ernie burrito..

The voice overs keep coming, “.. she saw her sisters be drown” … “he saw his mother worked to death”..

And I’m afraid to even THINK about looking at the television screen because if there’s anything.. ANYTHING.. I’m a sucker for it’s animals and seeing pictures like that.. or hearing stories like that.. or even THINKING about things happening like that make me a big puddle of weepy jello ..

I go to jump out of bed and manually change the channel but I forgot Bella is sleeping on the floor next to the bed so when I put my feet on the floor, I accidentally step on her.. and of COURSE it would be on the side where she has really bad arthritis on her hip.. so she yelps and gets up and starts hobbling..

Now I’m devastated and I’m trying NOT to step on her again as I try to get around her and her black coat in a dark room when I catch a picture of the baby donkey with it’s front leg tied to it’s back leg trying to walk and then I just LOST IT.

LOST IT!

I start the whole silent sob thing because of what’s been lasered into my brain and because of hurting Bella and of course, I’m not really silent doing anything so it wakes Chief up.

He gets all panicky because I’m crying and he’s trying to get me to tell him what’s wrong and I can’t get the words out so all I can do it point at the tv and then he gets it.

Because if there is only one thing this man knows.. he knows how I am and how I get when animals are involved.

It’s the sole reason why I’m not allowed to name the fish.

So he does his whole boo-boo face “awwww” thing and while I’m crying on his shoulder about all the cruelty in the world he tells me I’m adorable and this.. THIS.. THIS COMPASSION is the reason why he loves me so much.

And here I thought it was my hot, rockin’ body!!

I start to get over myself and apologize for waking him up and he tells me it’s fine.. and then goes on this litany of why these organizations make these commercials just to get reactions like this from pathetic people like me.

ME: Um.. wait? I’m pathetic? Didn’t you just say I was adorable?

HIM: Well.. um.. your adorable BECAUSE you’re pathetic.

ME: You’re an asshole.

HIM: I know..

ME: Good night, honey.

HIM: ‘Night, baby.

‘Cause that’s just how we roll!