Mensa Meeting At 4am

Posted: July 13, 2010 in Pets
Tags: , , , , , ,

Do you see the time??

It’s 4 freakin’ 30 in the AM .. as in MORNING.. as in WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAZY BITCH DOING WRITING A POST??

Yknow.. something are just too damn bizarro not to write in the moment.

So .. ok.. I wake up to Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy flung over my chest like a bean-bag.. his head nuzzling my neck and he’s doing that insane nasally whine thing that he does.

For those of you who don’t know, Ernie thinks he’s a boy without thumbs. My fault. I made him that way. He was way too young when we got him and I was all hearing whatever biological thing was ticking and so he became my baaaaabbbbbbyyyyy. He’s a lot older then 6 weeks now and he’s a mental head so I guess I have to live with it.

A’ight.. so he’s doing his whining thing and I know it’s because he wants to go O-U-T :: I have to spell it because if he hears the word he’ll want to go again!! :: Usually, Chief takes them around 6am but I guess him getting up to go to the bathroom threw off Ernie’s routine.

Or he needs a watch. Or maybe he just needs to tell time, dammit.

So he’s bugging me since I was already awake :: I hate when I fall asleep too early because Chief is watching Entering the Worm Hole for the millionth time! :: and I figure I’ll take them out and give Chief the morning off.

Ernie’s all excited .. WE’RE GOING OUT! WE’RE GOING OUT! WAKE UP BELLA, WE’RE GOING OUT!!! .. which makes Bella all confused because you know, she’s old and probably senile and the only thing she’s really concerned with is getting the treat when they come in so she’s WHOOOO WHOOO WHOOO-ing .. they’re both weaving themselves in and out of my ankles as I’m trying to get out of bed.. find my shoes.. grab my cigarettes and glasses and find my way  out of the bedroom without waking the house up or tripping over Chief’s shorts that he left on the floor.

Now.. for those of you who don’t know, I live in a big old single house that’s on the point of where three streets intersect. I have a fairly decent size front lawn.. a fairly decent size side lawn that runs the length of the house to the fairly decent back yard. It’s just big enough to piss you off when you have to either mow it or shovel the sidewalks when it snows. Unfortunately, I don’t have a fence. The owner of this Ghetto Chateau wouldn’t allow up to put one up even though we offered to pay for the whole thing.

Ok.. so never mind about that.

Anyway.. Ernie has to be kept on a leash because he’s a runner. He still has his balls :: which are going to be clipped soon, little dog! :: and so we have something like 4 extra long leashes tied together for him. Bella is a WHOLE other story. She’s old and slow and fat and has arthritis in her hips. She’s kinda like a baby seal. Plus, even though she may bark she only has about 3 teeth left and their wobbly so she is absolutely no threat to anyone. I don’t put her on a leash because she sticks to the grass does her business and goes back inside.

Now.. I know you’re going to scream at me that accidents happen and the what not.. and you’re absolutely right. I don’t condone walking dogs off a leash but trust me, you can cut me some slack on this one.

Anyway.. 604+ words later..

So I’m outside with the dogs and it’s beyond quiet. I live across the street from a cemetery and since we’re basically behind the center of town there’s no traffic.. no people.. no nothing. Just me and the dogs. We’re on the side of the house near the big ass shade tree when I hear a car roll up and when I turn around I’ m staring into head lights.

The city girl in me is like, WTF Asshole??? And then the little red and blue lights start flashing and then the suburban girl in me is like WTF ASSHOLE??? You see the illustrious police force here are a bunch of morons.. idiots and douchebags. All four of them.

So when I face the car, DoucheBadge #311 says to me: Do you want to tell me what you’re doing out at this hour? To which I responded Are you KIDDING me? while holding up the dog leash.

DoucheBadge #311 looks at Ernie and says: Is that your dog?

At that point, I thought he  may have been referring to Bella but she’s black and back in the dark part of the yard laying down near a pile of broken tree branches. I knew she was there but there was no way he hell he could of. So I was like Um.. yeaaaa.. I just take random people’s dog for walks at 4 o’clock int he morning.

DoucheBadge #311 gets out of the car and says .. I kid you not .. Why are you walking your dog at 4am? And I’m all ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DO YOU NOT THINK I’D RATHER BE IN BED??? which came out as: Um.. because he had to go to the bathroom? Complete with shoulder shake and head bob.

He actually looked confused and further established that this is THE most idiotic police department in the county by saying You are aware that there are leash laws in this borough? I hold up Ernie’s blue leash and tell him that there’s a dog attached to the other end. And then I swear I saw a flash of the 12 year old boy who used to get bullied in the school year because he responded Yea.. well.. there’s litter laws too!!

By now I’m done playing the game. I wanted to get back in the house.. back to sleep.. AND get the one dog who was OFF the leash back inside without him seeing that she was OFF the leash :: I did have a plan in case he spotted her though :: so I say to him: Are you looking for somebody or SHOULD you be looking for somebody because I have my LEASHED dog on my OWN property and I’m sure there are TONS of meth heads and drunks on the boulevard RIGHT NOW that you could be harassing.

He did not appreciate that.

At all.

He said: You could be arrested for disorderly conduct.

So I rolled my eyes and said: Fine. Let me put the dog in the house, throw on some socks and underwear and I’ll be right out so you can do that, ok Bucky?

Here’s the thing. When I know that I’m in trouble for doing something that I actually did then yea, I get all worried about being sent up to the big house and being somebody’s bitch but this bullshit is just bullshit and he knew that I knew it was bullshit but he had committed to laying down the bullshit.

He wound up getting a call over the radio .. I think there was a donut delivery at Dunkin’ Donuts that needed his immediate attention.. and so he gets back into his car saying: Keep that dog on a leash.

So he drives off and I come back in the house with the dogs.. wake Chief up and tell him that he has dog duty from now on. He just grunted and went back to sleep and I just had to tell SOMEBODY about this!! LOL!!

Lucky.. lucky you!!

  1. datGurl! says:

    HA! I got a feelin if he had not gotten that donut-delivery call, he’d be thoroughly cussed out this mornin’!

    He didnt have anything else better to do. Just so happens my neighbor that lives in the house behind me was ridin his bike out of the court when I was emptyin’ my trash this mornin’. They had him stopped. When I saw him at the store just now, he said the officer pulled him over because he came outta the court ‘illegally’…

    they dont have enuff to do obviously…

  2. Leese says:

    So right, DG!! This isn’t the first time something like this happened.. the cops in my borough are complete morons.. you should read about the time Chief was arrested.. OMG!! How I didn’t get arrested myself the next day is beyond me!! LOL!! Their famous last words are ‘.. I’ll arrest you for disorderly conduct!!” you can just hear them saying NE NER NE NER NE NER in their pea brain!

  3. What a prick! He really must have been bored.

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