Archive for January 21, 2010

Yes.. I do mean the alcoholic drug addicted red head from the Partridge Family.

You guys are going to love this one..

NOTE: I have 45 minutes until I have to drive Spaz to school so I’m going to have to type REALLY fast .. cause this is a long one.

Ok.. so currently, Danny Bonaduce hosts a local morning show. Funny as shit.. if you can stream it, do so. Anyway, I usually have it on when I drive Bubba to school.

Not to make this too complicated.. because there’s a lot to type .. I remembered that he had once had a show on VH1 called Breaking Bonaduce which centered around his addictions and his marriage :: he has divorced since the show ended :: and so I downloaded both seasons from iTunes and watched them all back to back in a single day.

It was both painful to watch.. sad.. and all the other adjectives that escape now because I was once married to a bipolar alcoholic and there were moments when I was either going GRRRR!!! or OMG! I LIVED THAT! or WHY CAN’T YOU SEE WHAT YOUR DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR IS DOING??

Of course, there were other times when I was yelling at my laptop monitor at his then wife saying YOUR A FUCKING BITCH!!

But the one thing that I took away from it .. which I really didn’t expect so it was kind of an epiphany .. was that people are who people are and you can’t force someone to change into what you want them to be. There was a moment played that I thought.. yknow, you want her to do this that and the other and react in this manner or that manner and that’s JUST. NOT. HER.

It seemed that in his mind, he had a fantasy or ideal on the perfect wife and since she wasn’t capable of being that, it all crashed and burned.

Ok. Remember that because it plays into the reason for this post.

Since I haven’t been blogging, you guys don’t know what happened at the beginning of December.

You know Bubba and his refusal to accept school as a necessity and he spends his day there either being disrespectful to his teachers and refusing to do classwork and no doing homework.

We’ve tried communicating with his teachers to email us with his homework so WE would know what was going on but that was hit or miss and there was really no way to go AH HA! YOU LIED! YOU DO HAVE HOMEWORK! without anything to shove in his face as proof.

Things kind of came to a head and Chief’s immediate response was to ground him. My immediate response was to forward the teacher’s emails to the Crack Whore.

When Bubba came home from school that day, I told him that his father was grounding him and he got all bent out of shape. He doesn’t get that it’s HIS actions that are causing the problem. In his world, he can do whatever he wants.. when he wants.. and there shouldn’t be any reprecussions.

He then went on a whiny tale about how our focus is always on the negative and there is never any accolades for when he does something right. You know.. positive reinforcement.

NOTE: Those are my words. Bubba can’t even spell anything past 4 letters.

So, ok. I told him that I’d give him a shot. That I would talk to his father and get the grounding lifted ONLY FOR THE WEEKENDS. But during the school week, he has to come right home.. do his homework and then he’s in. No roaming the streets with his posse.

Mind you.. I believe that that’s how it should be anyway. But I’m obviously old school and my belief that giving a kid too much liberty isn’t a good thing falls on deaf ears.

Cause, you know.. his kids have SUCH a good track record :: if I could physically have that sentence drip with sarcasm I would ::

At any rate..  Chief comes home from work and he doesn’t even want to discuss anything because he’s so sick and pissed off at Bubba’s behavior.

Wonderful. Great parenting skills there Bucky.

But then, I get an email from the Crack Whore. She’s fuming at his behavior also and is coming over after dinner to take his laptop away. She isn’t going to reward him for bad behavior and since she was the one who bought the laptop.. well, she has every right to take it from him and pawn it off at a pawn shop because she needs money for Christmas as a punishment.

Needless to say, that didn’t go over well with Bubba. He flat out refused to give it to her and started calling her all kinds of names.

It’s not that I felt bad for him .. but I wanted to try in some way to get through to him the importance of school and doing what he’s suppose to do so I told him that he had a month until his birthday :: in fact, today is his 15th birthday :: and if he did what he was suppose to do .. if he started taking school seriously and did his work and home work and didn’t blow off tutoring and raised his grades, I’d get him a new laptop for his birthday.

I told him that I didn’t expect straight A’s .. but I wanted the effort.

He seemed to perk up with that and the following day, he showed me the 1800.00 Alienware computer that he wanted. Instead of telling him YOUR FUCKING OUT OF YOUR MIND .. I went along with it.. mentally figuring what it would take to get him it.

Inside, I knew he wasn’t going to hold up his end of the deal. And that might have been wrong but this kid has GOT to learn there are consequences for his actions.

Plus, I know people.. if you know what I mean.. who can get me stuff like that at a really cheap price.

No more will be said about THAT!! Heh.

So a month goes by and he does nothing. I mean nothing with a capital N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

Doesn’t do his make up work during Xmas break.. doesn’t go to tutoring.. doesn’t do his homework.

So on Tuesday, during the drive to school, he asks me if he’s getting the computer.

I ask him if he thinks he deserves it and he says that he thought so because the time when his teacher had to wake him up IN CLASS he didn’t freak out on her.

I wasn’t even going to go into THAT.. I told him he wasn’t getting it because he didn’t hold up his part of the deal. That didn’t sit well with him and so he told me that he wasn’t going to do nothing in class this weak. I told him if thought that was a threat towards me then he was more of an idiot then I thought.

But it didn’t sit right with me.. that he would get an additude with me.. that he was twisting it around to make it out to be my fault and that I went back on my word.

My word is a BIG thing to me and I’m not going to let some pissant 15 year old take advantage of me, my heart and my good nature.

I relay this to Chief and he’s just as upset that he thinks not doing work is a punishment on us.

Bubba doesn’t come home for dinner that night.. in fact, he stays out until 9:30. I ask Chief what he’s going to do about it and he asks me what he SHOULD do about it.

Great parenting skills there, Bucky.

So Bubba comes home and basically Chief tells him that he’s suppose to come home right after school everyday.. Bubba says nothing.

Then Chief calls him out on his “not doing work” comment and says, “.. what are you 5?” Bubba says he guesses.

Then Chief tells him to go eat dinner.

And that was that. No more. No punishment. NO hollaring. No beating him over the head with a stick.

And I’m not a happy camper because his kids are the way they are because of him and his inability to be a parent.

So yesterday comes around and I try to get out of the store before Bubba comes in and I don’t make it.. and as soon as he comes in I feel like all the oxygen has been sucked out of the room.

So I run across the street to get cigarettes and when I get back, I’m rushing around to get what I need so that I can leave. In a hurry.

Bubba.. who hasn’t said a word to me since the drive to school on Tuesday, asks me if I would give him a ride home.

I said No.

He asks why.

I said because I didn’t want to.

He says that that’s fucked up.

Yes. He did say “fucked up” .. and yes, he father did hear him say that and no, nothing was said to him about if from his father.

Whole other story there.

My response is “whatever” .. because this is exactly the same way Bubba acts when asked to do something.

I walk in the back to get my keys and Chief says to me, ” .. what’s the big deal about driving him home?”

If looks could kill he’d still be smoking. Right then I felt the steel doors slam down in my brain and my emotions get iced up.

I did an about face without saying a word to Chief, grabbed my bags and said to Bubba, “… get in the car, your father said I have to drive you home”.

And I left.

No good byes.. no kiss.. no “I love yo” … I just walked out.

Chief followed after me and as I was getting in the car, I said to him, “.. you better tell your son to get his ass out here because I’m leaving as soon as I get the car started.”

Bubba came out and I drove like I was Vin Diesel in The Fast and The Furious the whole BLOCK AND A HALF home.

I slam my brakes in front of the house and I tell him to tell Bird :: who was in my house :: that I’d be home in a few minutes.  Which, of course, he doesn’t.

He takes a shower and leaves.

I’m all kinds of amped. And I’m all kinds of royally pissed off at Chief. I felt that knowing what the situation was and that I actually SAID NO to driving the lump of lard home.. that he should have backed me up and told Bubba to walk.

I felt like.. once again.. he had no regard for MY feelings. Which of course, led me down a path of picking apart everything in our relationship and how most times I feel unappreciated and taken for granted.

Let’s face it.. he’s not around his kids a lot and I am basically a non-parent with a primary parent role. And I’m starting to resent it. Especially because they have absolutely no respect for me or for anything I say or ask or want.

And let’s face it… he’s not a good parent. That’s been well documented.

So to avoid the inevitable confrontation where I KNOW I would say things to just purposely hurt him, I went to sleep. I cooked dinner and kept it warm and told Spaz that I didn’t feel like eating and that his father could plate everything and then I went into the bedroom and pulled the covers over my head.

When Chief came home, I pretended to be asleep. He kissed me on the head.. had dinner with Spaz and then came back into the bedroom. I had to go pee really, really bad so I didn’t have a choice but to get up to go to the bathroom.

My plan was to just go to the bathroom and then hang out in there and read the book I have in there :: men aren’t the only ones who do that! :: but when I got in there, there was no toilet paper and piss all over the floor.. from Bubba.. because I don’t think he even holds it when he pees.

So I stomp out of the bathroom.. into the bedroom.. and grab my jacket. Chief asks where I’m going and I tell him THERE’S NO TOILET PAPER AND PISS ALL OVER THE FLOOR.. and stomp out.

I grab my car keys.. can’t find my wallet :: I planned on tanking up the station wagon while I was out because I was running on fumes :: .. and then stomped back into the bedroom looking for it.

CHIEF: What are you looking for?
ME: My wallet
CHIEF: I have money
ME: Not the point
CHIEF: I know it’s not the point but I have cash on me

I didn’t reply .. just walked out.

Now, I know you’re going to think that I was being a real bitch .. or maybe even the “c” word.. but it really doesn’t matter what you think. It was what it was and everything will become clear in a minute. Just hang in there.

So I go out to the car and drive to the shop and found my wallet there. I go to the bathroom.. grab some toilet paper.. get gas and drive through Dunkin’ Donuts and got a bagel because basically, I was so hungry I had a headache.

Now.. if I was REALLY a bitch or a cunt, I would have gotten myself coffee and not gotten him any! But I didn’t. What can I say, I’m nice like that! Heh.

I go back to the house and back into the bedroom.. all the while with my iPod headphones on. He knows I’m ignoring him. He knows I’m pissed off and he knows why. Don’t be fooled. I know him like the back of my hand and just the fact that he asked me if Project Runaway was on was a tell tale sign.

But instead of asking me what was wrong.. or instead of opening up a dialog about what happened at the store with driving Bubba home OR about the conversation they had in there that I couldn’t hear but knew I was being discussed… he went to sleep.

Now.. here’s where Danny Bonaduce comes in.

Back at the top of this long ass post, I said that the problem with his marriage was that he wanted / expected things from his ex-wife that she couldn’t give. And that’s the problem with me and Chief.

I need someone who will face problems or talk about problems or be concerned about problems.. he doesn’t.

I need someone who feels free enough in a relationship to communicate. He doesn’t.

I need someone who can recognize something that’s breaking and do whatever necessary to try and fix it because it’s important enough to fix.. and he doesn’t.

Mars.. Venus.. say what you want. Defend it any way you can. Try and justify it.. but the bottom line is even though I love this man with everything I have, he can’t give me what will make me happy. He can’t do the things that won’t make me feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water. And so.. no matter how much I love him .. the whole thing is toxic.

I’m not trying to bash him here. He is who he is and isn’t going to change. I can’t keep going knowing that I will feel just as taken for granted tomorrow as I do today.

I’ve tried talking to him before :: well documented on here :: but he does nothing but get defensive or buries his head in the sand wishing problems away.

And what it all boils down to .. and it breaks my heart seams to even thing about it.. is that he was looking for “someone” .. I was looking for “him”. There’s a difference, as subtle as it may seem. A big difference.

He wanted someone who would take all the responsibilities from him .. house, kids, bills, laundry. Because lets face it, he has none of those anymore. I just happened to stick around longer then his other relationships did.

I doubt that he loves me the way I love him. I think I was just “there”.. and not wanting to go through the whole process of finding someone.. he stuck with me.

My name could be Joanne or Elizabeth or Paula or Matilda .. I don’t think he loves me because I’m Leese.

And that’s a huge blow to the ego.. A huge blow. Because let’s face it.. everyone wants to be loved for who they are .. for what they’re about.. me more then most and I think I delusion-ed myself into thinking that I was the center of his universe the way he is mine.

Coming to this realization threw down my steel door. Emotionally, I’m not attached. I know now.. that I have to get a plan together to leave this relationship and all the devastation that comes with it.

I was talking to Bird about this today and she graciously offered me her house to stay in for a few days to get my thoughts together and give him the opportunity to see what life is like without me.. I’m not taking her up on her offer because I need to do this my way in my time. So that it’s better for me.

I’m over getting upset about how the kids treat me.. how they take advantage of me.. how he doesn’t back me up.. take an active, parental role in their lives. I deserve much more then what I’ve been getting the last few years. I’ve been in hell and it’s time to get out. I don’t like being the person who isn’t always laughing anymore.. who finds life a drudgery. That’s not who I am .. but it’s what I’ve become.

Heart? Head? Heart? Head? … I need to go with my head on this one.