… So I May Have Been Telling A Little White Lie

… if I remember my 12 years of Catholic indoctrination schooling correctly, I believe that’s called a “venial” sin.

Anyway.. it’s still rather embarrassing and if Chief hadn’t gotten the letter that he had gotten which was SO unbelievably hysterical, I wouldn’t even bring this up.

But I’m more then willing to tell you that I’ve been lying to share this. What can I say, I’m all about the laughter.

Ok.. so here goes:

Chief and I aren’t really LEGALLY married. We did have a commitment ceremony and for all intents and purposes, we ARE married.. except in the legal way :: and really, the way I feel about the current government I’m not at all bothered by that! :: Everyone who knows us, beside actual family and close friends, assume we’re married legally.. I use his last name, that kind of thing.

The only thing that stopped us from getting that little piece of paper is ANOTHER little piece of paper called a divorce decree. HIS.. not mine. And while he classifies himself as “divorced” and the Crack Whore classifies herself as divorced :: btw.. I found her profile on one of those internet dating sites.. talk about laughing!! :: they just never did it legally.

Why?

According to him :: and I really have no reason not to believe him given the circumstances :: he never had the money. He had the boys.. money was always tight and given the prices that he was given when he inquired, he couldn’t afford it. Plus, it wasn’t really high on his priority list because he hadn’t been with a woman that he actually wanted to marry.

Until me.

<< insert AHHHH!!! here>>

And forget her. She wasn’t about to diminish her drug fund to get something like a divorce.

Anyway.. like I said, I believe him. For the simple fact that for as long as WE’VE been together, other things took priority and there was never “extra” money to file.

Now.. when I got MY divorce, I did it for 195.oo from a law firm in my state that specializes in this kind of thing so when we seriously started talking about getting married, I told him about the firm.

He requested information from them via their website.. received it.. but again, there was never an extra money to go ahead with it.

He requested information a second when he thought he would be getting some extra cash.. but this was around the time that he got arrested so every spare change went to his bail.

So now, unbeknownst to me, he’s been putting an extra 5 away here and 10 away there and saved up 195.00 for the divorce. He was all excited about it and I was all excited about it and when I tried to find the paper work that they had sent to him, I couldn’t. For the life of me, I couldn’t find it anywhere. So he just went online again and requested the information.

This is the letter he got from them:

Dear Sir / Madam:

We have sent our free information to you three times. there will be no fourth time. each free information packet we mail is an expense we have to consider when pricing our divorce services. we cannot maintain our low prices without limiting the number of packets we send to the given caller.

Ok. Not that bad, right? I can see their point. They can’t help it if we’re idiots who can’t find paper work. But let’s continue on:

Your fee is $300.00 for the Basic Advertised Service, $400.00, $500.00, $600.00 for each of the three faster services: Rush Filing Service, Same Day Service and Our Fastest Service respectively. Payment is to be be made IN FULL in the enclosed envelope by money order only, NO CHECK OR CREDIT CARD. In addition, there will be absolutely NO telephone calls. ALL communications are to be made by mail only. If you call, for ANY reason, you will be billed $100.00, which you will have to pay immediately. Finally, if we do not receive payment on or before 10/7/09, we will refuse to represent you (or your spouse).

Now here’s the best part.. the part that had me pissed off at first but then doubled over in hysterics:

None of this is subject to any dicussion [sic] for any reason. If you find anything unacceptable, call another law firm for your divorce and do not call us again. You can become a XXXXXXX and XXXX client by the above date or you will never become one. It’s your choice.

Very truly yours,

Can you STAND it?? Is that not the FUNNIEST letter from a law firm that you ever read? If their last names ended in a vowel, I would swear they had a Don Corleone complex! When I showed it to Chief, he had the same reactions so I know it’s not just me.. which is why I had to share!

Funny what happens when push comes to shove. Knowing that we only had a week or so to come up with an additional $105.00 or have to pay a minimum of $1200.00 :: the last quote he received locally :: he did and we sent off the MONEY ORDER :: no check or money order ::

So in about 90 days :: provided that the Crack Whore won’t contest it.. which she SWEARS she won’t :: he’ll be a divorced man.

And, unless I come to my senses, I’ll probably be posting wedding pictures soon after!

Of course, once his divorce becomes final, you know that first thing I’m going to do, right?

I’m going to send them a check for $1.20 to cover the cost of the three previous information packets they sent him AND point out the spelling error in their letter!

Cause, yknow, I’m just like that!!! LOL

2am Phone Calls

.. so I’m not really that good at keeping my cell phone glued to my person. I’m always leaving it somewhere.. in the car.. in my jacket pocket.. in the bathroom :: don’t ask :: I’m not that big of a phone person anyway and really only have it because of the night my mother and I were stuck on the highway.. with a flat tire.. in the middle of an ice storm. HER cell phone has never been intimate with it’s charger so we were up the proverbial creek.

But I digress..

Anyway.. so early Sunday morning, around 4am, I get up to go to the bathroom :: which I am not afraid to do now since we got a kitten :: and noticed this odd light in the kitchen :: our bathroom, kitchen and bedroom are all on the first floor.. I don’t live in a rancher, just a weird house set up :: So I go check it out and the light was letting me know that there was a missed call.

A missed call from the Crack Whore

A missed call from the Crack Whore at 2am

A missed call from the Crack Whore at 2am AND a voice mail!

Did I WANT to listen to it? Not really but there’s only a few reasons why she would call my phone at that time. Either she was wrecked out of her nugget and felt the need to once again blame her pathetic life on me OR something happened to Weed.

It was the latter.

She said that we needed to call her back because Weed came home and she doesn’t know what he’s on but he can’t talk and was beaten up pretty bad.

Ahhh… the downside to being a junkie.

So what do I do? Regardless of OUR history, regardless of how I feel about Weed.. I’m not the cold hearted bitch that people think I am. I wake Chief up and tell him about the phone call.

He rolls over with “… let her take him to the ER” and goes back to sleep.

I don’t agree with this. At all. But it isn’t my call. I just figured I’d wait until she calls back and then answer the phone.. telling her that my cell had been left in the kitchen which is why the first call was missed.

I don’t have to tell her that.. I don’t really have to explain anything but some part of me knew that she was going to think her call was ignored on purpose and some part of me wanted to make sure that she was told it wasn’t.

She never called back.

Not that morning.. not all of Sunday.

So considering how she rolls.. I’m figuring that Weed is alright.. just out on another bender because… yknow.. NOTHING happens in HER house, right?

But we’ll see.. I’m sure at some point today she’s going to make an appearance at the shop and I’m SO SURE it’s not going to be any better then the last time she came in.

I’ll keep you posted

UPDATE: So this morning when I got to the shop, I asked Chief if I REALLY needed to be there since I have a feeling there’s going to be drama and I don’t want to be anywhere near it. He asks me what I’m talking about and I said, “.. the phone call? The 2AM PHONE CALL from the other night?” .. he gives me this blank I-Have-No-Clue-What-Your-Talking-About-Woman look. I said, “.. the call from the Crack Whore saying that Weed was all fubar?” He said he doesn’t remember. I ask him if he remembers saying that she needs to take him to the ER and he said he doesn’t.

I don’t NOT believe him… when he does sleep, he goes into a coma and if you wake him up in the middle of the night you can have all kinds of conversations with him that he won’t remember the next day. Comes in handy sometimes :: wink wink :: but not when you’re talking about something like this.

So I reiterate everything and tell him that I have a feeling she’s going to show up waving her Your-Not-A-Good-Father flag. He says he doesn’t care and that Weed won’t show up until any bruise he has heals.

I left the shop at 1pm and she hadn’t come in or called so maybe I’m wrong but heh.. .the day’s still early!!