Archive for May 10, 2009

… so what constitutes a “mother”?

Is it someone who contributed DNA, a birth canal and little else OR is it someone who provides, nutures, and protects?

I ask this because DUH! Today is… was?… Mother’s Day and while I am not a “biological” mother.. I am a “mother” in every other sense of the word.

In fact, I’ll give you an example of what I’m talking about…

Yesterday :: Saturday:: I was at the shop with Chief from early in the morning until we closed… about 13 hours.

Spaz was home either by himself or with Bubba until about an hour before we closed.

When he came in, he immediately grabbed a pack of Starbursts and asked him father if he could have them. His father.. who was in the middle of cleaning the store’s kitchen said “yes”.

I asked Spaz if he had eaten anything all day and he said he hadn’t. Now, I know there wasn’t anything in the house to eat. Not that I’m proud that our cubbards are practically bear, but the kids come to the store for breakfast.. they eat lunch at school.. come to the store after school and get a snack and then we have dinner so it’s not like they don’t eat and if you see the size of them :: Spaz in particular who is wider then he is tall :: then you’d realize that they’re not starving.

Because of this, there is LESS food in the house then before we openned the store.  Both eat because they are bored and because there is stuff TO eat, not because they’re hungry and because there is alot of time when they are by themselves they’d be bigger then they are now if they were allowed to just graze all day.

Knowing this.. I guess you’re wondering why I even asked Spaz if he had eaten. The answer is that I was surprised he hadn’t been down to the store a lot earlier and knew he had to have made himself something.. I also know that he lied when he said he didn’t.

It’s a game.. a game that gets old but I still play it to keep reinforcing the fact that I’m a lot smarter then they are and there is very, very few things that they can get past me.

So I said to him, “If you haven’t eaten all day then you’re not just going to have candy. Get something real to eat.”

He threw the fit.. of course.. whining that he didn’t want anything else and stomped out of the kitchen. I thought to myself.. What the FUCK?

So I got REAL whatever and said, “You can still have the candy.. just eat something better for you first.”

He started answering back and Chief went after him.. I don’t actually know what he said but I did hear Spaz say, “But you said I could have them”

Chief got pissed then and said, “Oh no.. you’re not going to do that. You’re NOT going to try and pit me against Leese. She takes care of you better then I do.”

And there you have it. A kind of self admission.

But yknow what? I started thinking, why am I even giving a fuck?  If he wants to be a beach ball and be bullied by kids and teased because he’s fat… if he wants to keep wearing clothes that would be big on his father.. if he wants to keep giving me a hard time about every single thing.. then yknow what? I’m not going to keep worrying about it. Let me rephrase.. I’m not going to be the ONLY one to keep worrying about it.

And so for the rest of the night, I barely gave Spaz the time of day.

There are those who are going to say that I should behave in a more adult manner.. that he’s only a kid.. that I should be more patient.. more understanding.. blah blah blah.

The only thing I can say to that is you have to walk a block in my Converse All Stars first.

I tell you that only because it fits in with today.

I woke up this morning to nothing unusual. Bubba slept out again :: of course :: and Spaz slept in the living room again :: of course ::.

I woke up around 8am to Chief playing with the dog.

We watched a little tv and then went to McDonald’s for breakfast. We came home.. ate.. played some video games.. I went to dye my hair while they watched a Eureka maration on the SciFi channel.. Chief fell asleep, I got ready to go to my grandmother’s and left around 12:45.

I came home around 6 to Chief watching some scifi movie and Spaz playing video games.

I got a card.. and flowers for Mother’s Day.

FROM. MY. MOTHER.

Earlier in the day, my girlfriend Chica texted me. My cell phone was in the bedroom and when I looked at it Chief asked me who it as from and I told him. He asked me what she had said because he knows she has a quirky sense of human and usually forwards me jokes.. I told him, “.. oh, she wished me Happy Mother’s Day.”

He was like, “… awww!! oohh.. ” and gives me this big hug and says “Happy Mother’s Day to me”.

I thought then.. because he’s a dumbass.. that it had slipped his mind and that while he was out getting stuff for dinner while I was gone, he would have picked me up something or whatever.

But I guess that was too much to ask… I guess.. yknow.. whatever.

The hard part was that when I got to my grandmother’s, everyone was there and they asked me what I had gotten for Mother’s Day since this is my second on with them and last year Spaz had made me something in school and Bubba had bought me flowers.

So through gritted teeth and blaming my watery eyes on old eye liner and driving in the sun without sunglasses, I told them that Chief had made me breakfast in bed and that the kids had given me cards and a really, really nice flower arrangement.. probably from the florist next door to the shop.

Everybody “ooh’d” and “aahhh’d” and told me how sweet was and how lucky Chief should feel that he has me and that I do such a good job with putthing up with the kids and how strong a person I am and how not many woman would have stuck around.

I know all that was suppose to be a compliment but it just got harder and harder to not cry :: in fact, I’m sobbing a little as I right this :: ..  because it was all a lie.

And I HATE lying… I do.. and it seems that in this relationship.. that’s all I do because I don’t want to hear … what do I not want to hear? The truth, maybe?

I dunno know…. there’s a lot of conflicting emotion.

Anyway…

Hang on a minute.. I have to go dry my eyes, smoke a cigarette and calm down a little. ..

Ok.. I’m back.. sorry about that but Chief is sleeping next to me and I really didn’t want him to know that I was crying.

And that’s the other thing…

When I got home from my grandmother’s, I debated bringing the flowers inside. They’re of the hanging-outside variety so it’s not like I had to bring them in the house but I didn’t want to get into it.

I had thought it about the whole drive home. I really, really thought he would have gotten me something but yknow.. anyway.. when I walked up to the front of the house, I left the flowers outside next to the step.

I can’t “hide” anything.. when I’m upset, it shows in my face.. my aura.. you name it. He knew as soon as I walked in that something was up and he asked me about it.

I blew it off for a couple of reasons. One, mainly, because when I’m upset about things that have to do with him or the kids, I have to digest it first.. come to terms with it first.. before I can talk about it.

I hate having “emotional” confrontations and need the time in order to organize my thoughts the right way and figure out what exactly I’m upset about and why.

The second this is.. what was he going to say that wasn’t going to make me more upset?

That I wasn’t “really” their mother? That the kid’s didn’t even get anything for the Crack Whore?

Because that’s what he would have said.. not to undermine ME but on the defensive becaue he didn’t think about it.. or thought to think about it..

And I guess maybe that’s what’s bothering me the most… that even though “something” isn’t anything that he would normally concern himself with.. he should have only because he knew it would be important to me…

Just think of ME alittle, yknow?

To put it simply… he when he went to the market earlier, he stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts and bought coffee.

On the way home from my grandmother’s, I stopped at Dunkin’ Donuts and bought coffee… for me AND for him…

I don’t think I’m wrong on this one… I know that previously I’ve posted about stuff that I may have been unfair with my thinking or actions… but not this time.

No, not this time.