You Truly Can’t Go Home Again

Posted: May 5, 2009 in Just Stuff
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I was replying to one of Auroracoda‘s post regarding the parent / child dynamic of interracial – intercultural relationships, I got to thinking about the same dynamic when there isn’t an interracial – intercultural relationship. Manly how parents are hard pressed to see their children as adults.

I had to move back in with my mom because of an emergency situation at my house. Namely, my ex holding the tip of a sword to my throat during an alcoholic black out where he insisted that he was going to kill me if his mother died of breast cancer.

His mother didn’t have breast cancer but that’s SO beside the point.

So me.. the dog.. and all my belonging were jammed into a 92 Chevy Cavalier. She was happy that I was there and out of the environment I was living in. My grandmother lives around the corner from my mom and she stayed there for most of the week so basically, there was going to be not that many nights where we would be under the same roof.

I finally had freedom. I could go where I wanted to go.. do what I wanted to do.. not have to answer to anyone. I could finally be an adult and make adult decisions.

Or so I thought.

My mom would call me every night at a certain time. To remind me to make sure the doors were locked.. To set my alarm clock.. but what I think she was really doing was making sure I was home.

It got to the point where I would tell her that I was taking the phone off the hook because the Mindless Minion kept calling so she was forced to use my cell phone.. that meant I could resume doing what I wanted to do. It also meant that I was lying and I didn’t want to feel like I was 15 again.

I met guys.. went out on dates .. developed semi-relationships with some of them.. other’s were just friends.

With each guy I met, I would tell her about them.. the excitement of meeting someone new and she would get caught up with it because she always felt that I married my ex too soon and here it was 18 years later.

There was a the Museum Guy, The Farm Guy, The ATF Guy, The Biker Guy, The Military Guy, The Executive Chef Guy, The Attorney, The Max Factor Guy, The Cousin’s Friend and then there was Chief.

I’m so not good at juggling people. I don’t know how man and woman can date more then one person at a time. I did try, but failed miseribly. When I told her about Chief, she had the same enthusiasm for me that the other one’s held but then it started to wane. I would call her and tell her that I was going over his house for dinner.. or to watch a movie or whatever and she would be more then less then thrilled.

She kept on wanting to monopolize my time.. every day she would call me early enough from work and tell me that she needed me to take her here.. or there.. or whatever.. always dropping the “.. I never see you anymore.”

She never saw me anyway but that wasn’t the point. And I can tell you.. I never left her flat but I began saying that I was going out with my girlfriends or some random guy just not to hear the tone in her voice .. you know that one.. the fake excitement?

One weekend, the kids were going to be out of the house and with their mother. Only Weed was going to be home but he would usually crash at a friends house. Chief begged me to stay over night.. we could watch a movie and he would make me breakfast the next morning.

I remember not having the guts to tell my mother I was staying there the weekend. Mortified is the word that actually pops into my head. So I didn’t. I copped out and called her at 1am :: because yknow, I did have an unofficial curfew. Parking is abysmal in her section of the city :: and told her that there was something wrong with the car and that Chief tried to fix it but it was too dark to see under the hood. She asked me where the kids were and I told them that they were at their mom’s. She said, “ok” .. well, that was all she could say and I told her I would see her the next day.

Sunday we get up and it was amazing waking up next to him. He made breakfast and then we went out for awhile .. ending up at my grandmother’ house becaue I wanted him to meet her and my mom.

The visit went well.. and afterwards she told me how handsome he was.. how intelligent he was to talk to. All seemed good. But she still didn’t like the fact that I was spending all my time with him.

I don’t actually remember when the next incident happened. I know that on that particular Sunday, I was driving her to my brother’s house for a first game of the season football party. I stayed over that night.. we got up the next morning and went down to a big flea market first before I left to go pick up my mom.

You know when you get that feeling in the pit of your stomache? When you inherently know something is wrong? I tried calling her but only got her answering machine. I told her that I was on my way and when I got to her house, she ignored me. She was on the phone when I walked in and she turned her back to me.. we left the house in silence and all I thought about is how the hour drive was going to be suffocating.

We got on the highway and finally I broke the silence and said, “If there’s something you want to say then you need to say it or this is going to be one hell of a long car ride”.

She made a noise in her throat and said, “.. is there anything you want to say?”

I told her I wasn’t playing this game. If she had something on her mind then she needed to come out with it or else suck it up.

All of a sudden, she came at me. Verbally. All the things she liked about Chief.. she turned around. He was no longer intelligent, he was a know-it-all .. that kind of thing. I told her that I appreciated that fact that I live under her roof.. that I wouldn’t do anything to purposely embarass her or disgrace her.. I also told her that I didn’t want to feel like I couldn’t tell her anything..

I don’t think she was anticipating that. I think she was expecting me to get defensive. In fact, I know it was because that was the first thing she said to me, “… if I say anything you’re going to get all defensive”

Put talking reasonibly and telling her that I respect that fact that I live in her house disarmed her alittle.

I told her that she had to trust the way she raised me. The point came up about me sleeping over with the kids and that she knew WE had lied when we were over my grandmother’s because Chief had mentioned something about Weed and I told her that the younger ones were away.. Weed was home but wasn’t home.. that kind of thing.. she told me that she wasn’t born yesterday and what about the night before.

I told her that I fell asleep on the couch with Spaz on the other side while we were playing video games.

That’s the truth.

Chief came out and actually covered us with a sheet.

That’s the truth.

Chief came out again around 330 woke me up and I went to sleep in the bedroom. That I kept to myself.

Look.. it’s not like I want to talk about my sexual excipades with my mother.. I don’t.. and I don’t think she does either.. but my mother was raised in a different era and some things just weren’t done.

I decided that I was going to need the aid of my brother. He understood the hardship I was going through and if HE told her that I was an adult and needed to be treated like one then she’d listen.

So I did .. and I told him that it wasn’t fair to Chief either. I mean, is he really going to put up with this situation? Would my brother if he was dating me :: don’t go all sick on me, I meant the situation :: or would I?

He brought it up at the most INOPPORTUNE time. namely with other people around so that my poor mother felt backed into a corner. She said something about her wanting me to date other people. I told her I HAD.. and I rather just be with Chief. I told her that I dind’t know what was going to happen.. how long we’d even be together but I had to live my life. She had no come back other then that I had only dated 2 or 3 guys and I ticked off the names like a laundry list…

She said she didn’t know there were that many and I told her that there was no reason for her to know.. I would tell her if there was somebody important and now there was.

Still not satisfied she started asking why I couldn’t just keep things lite and date other people.

OH. So you’d rather me be a whore that came home every night then be with someone who makes me happy.

Although things seemed to be settled on the surface, there was still this tension on the ride home. I knew that I was going to go over Chief’s afterwards and I was too afraid to tell her that. Until it was too late. Until I dropped her off in front of her house and told her where I was going. She slammed the car door and walked in the house without looking at me.

She didn’t talk to me for a good while and I want to say that I wrote her a letter about it. I know I did but that’s not what changed her mind.

What changed it for her is one night when I was getting ready to go out, I was walking to my car that was parked on the corner and she was walking behind me with a plumber she had come over to look at her toilet.

Out of nowhere, the Mindless Minion shows up and blocks my car with his truck.. reachs into my car window and slaps me across the face.. then tries to grab a hold of me by my throat.

Someone driving by wildly hocked their horn and when he turned I gunned the car around his truck and took off. I hadn’t realized then that my mother and the plumber saw the whole thing.

He started to follow me until he saw me dial my cell phone. I was calling 911 and he knew it so he turned down a street and was gone. I called my mom who was in shock that she actually witnessed what she did and I told her to call me if he hassles HER. Which he had a habit of doing.

That night, on my way home, I saw his truck parked at the corner of my mother’s street and him pacing back and forth across it. There was no good way for him not to see me so I called my mom and told her that I was going back over Chief’s and why. I started crying because I justed wanted my ex to leave me along.. SHE was crying because of the smae thing and finally she broke and said, “… it’s a good thing you have him [Chief]. At least you have a place to go.”

It was okay after that .. it was okay after I moved in with him.. for some reason, she was under the impression that we had seperate bedrooms but I think that was more of her not wanting to admit that her daughter was living in sin quite happily!!

Comments
  1. auroracoda says:

    See? This is exactly what I’m talking about!

    Your mother was actually fine with him once she met him and got to know him…it’s when your relationship with him started NOT fitting into her vision of what it should be that he became someone she DIDN’T like or approve of.

    My mother does the same thing…

    With Bear, she’s been pretty good…but she still has (had? is it had since I haven’t talked to her in a while?) her moments.

    Like her prejudice and ignorant statements about Asian men and how they treat their women. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. That stuff just bugs the hell out of me you know?

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