Archive for May 4, 2009

Wanna Annoy Me?

Posted: May 4, 2009 in Annoy Me

…  be a cricket in my bathtub that decides to hop around when I’m trying to relieve the 90 cups of coffee I had today


Posted: May 4, 2009 in Secrets

… it’s a few minutes before midnight and both kids are asleep in the living room and I don’t care!

I repeat…


Chief is sleeping next to me snuggling so close that his knee keeps knocking the laptop off my .. well.. lap (duh!).. and I couldn’t be happier!


Posted: May 4, 2009 in Blush

… he looks SO freakin’ hot wearing the pajama bottoms with the pheasents all over them and the saggy ass!

… years ago I had a friend Billy :: aka Midnight Rider :: who was like THE MAN.

He was 15 years older then me but had “way” about him.. is the only way I can describe it. Cool Cat.

He was into motorcycles.. 50’s doo wop music.. and just livin’ life. We got dick_tracy_ver1-1along great.. TRIED to date once but realized it was much better to play Scrabble while answering Jeaopardy questions then trying to make something that wasn’t there.

Well.. it WAS there but maybe in another life or at a different space in time. He was the PRE-Goober. The first man in my life that really made me understand that what was INSIDE my head was far superior then all the blue eyeliner, bubble gum pink lipstick and aqua net was on the outside.

NOTE: Look.. this was the 80’s and I ROCKED the bubble gum pink lipstick and blue eyeliner!!!

At any rate.. Billy used say to me “… everything happens to you and Dick Tracy”. Meaning, if it COULD happen to anyone.. it would happen to me. Whether it was funny.. sad.. adventurous or heartbreaking.. I had the target on my back.

Today was one of those Dick Tracy days.

It’s been raining here long enough to be a few days short of going to Home Depot and getting stuff to build an ark… needless to say that work today was humdrum and all I really wanted to do was stay in bed and listen to the rain.

It was a long day.. full of nothing but arts and crafts :: read that as compiling reports on spreadsheets.. sorting and color coding :: and the endless drone of babble coming from my fellow cube-gophers. Plus, I had to pay the house rent after work so THAT tagged on another half hour to the hour that it takes for me to drive home.

Anyway… All of a sudden… as I’m making my way to the rental office in a torrential rainstorm… I hear this CRASH BAM BOOM SCRAPE and watch as my right wiper blade flies off the whatever it is that holds it and wildly starts whipping around on my windshield.


I.. thankfully :: thank you Jesus! :: was driving under a train rail so I quickly turned off my wipers and tried to figure out what the hell happened.

NOTE: Did you ever wonder why people just HAVE to look at something IMMEDIATELY even though you know.. and they know.. that there will be plenty of time to look at it once they were in a safer place to do so? I can talk because I do it all the time!

I get to the intersection where I have to turn. I can already tell that there’s plenty of places to pull over but didn’t count on JUST HOW DISORTED one’s vision is during a torrential rain storm.

AND just how panicky one gets when not only can’t one see out a distorted windshield in a torrential downpour.. but let’s not forget to include the two fire trucks and one police car blaring their lights and sirens to get around traffic on a three lane street during rush hour traffic.

Oh.. and did I forget to mention that people were using an unusual amount of retardedness trying to cross the street?

Oh.. OH!!.. and did I forget to mention that my car insurance has lapsed. Like.. two months ago?

NOTE: I normally do NOT drive without insurance but with the whole bail situation for Chief I had to make the choice between keeping my house and driving without insurance for alittle bit.

DISCLAIMER: I do NOT promote driving without insurance.. especially in torrential rainstorms with broken windshield wipers, retarded pedestrians and a police car in too close a proximity!

Sorry.. I’m just shaking my head at the absurdity of all this.


I was able to pull over safely and without hitting anything animate or inanimate .. got out of the car and checked out the situation.

Apparently, not only did the right blade lose the little clippy thing that holds it on BUT the way it was flapping around wildly caused it to bind underneath the plastic thing that kind of does nothing but make the body work look nice, pretty and steamlined.

Assessing the situation with a … how the FUCK did that happen? .. what does this fairly intelligent :: on a good day :: logical woman do?

Turns the wipers back on, of course!

Now.. what do you think happens? I’ll tell you what! The stuck wiper tries to force itself out and cracks the plastic piece it was stuck under and sends a section about 4 inches long flying into the air and onto the umbrella of a passing woman.

Told ya.. me and Dick Tracy.

The woman starts YELLING at me. I mean YELLING. Unfortunately :: or maybe fortunately :: I really couldn’t understand what she was saying partly because I was either trying to hold in a fit of tears or a fit of laughter but mostly because she didn’t have any teeth and was obviously making her way to where ever from the bar on the corner.

Told ya.. me and Dick Tracy!

I kept on apologizing to her but she kept on ranting and finally in a very firm voice I usually use with Spaz, I was like NOW LOOK HERE DRAMA QUEEN :: yea, I really said that :: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.. YOUR NOT HURT AND YOUR DAMN TWEETY BIRD :: seriously :: ISNT DAMAGED. SO JUST BE ON YOUR FRACKIN’ WAY BEFORE I TAKE MY BAD DAY OUT ON YOU, A’IGHT?

She looked at me like I was the one who just dripped out of the bar but she shut up and walked away..

So I figure out how to get the wiper back on and even though I couldn’t make them go any faster then the ssslllloooowwweeesssttt intermediate setting, at least I could see.

Life Lesson No. 403: ALWAYS have duct tape in the car!

I finally get to the rental office.. drop in my check and since I wasn’t going to trust driving on the highway, I called Chief to let him know that I was going to be seriously late.

When he answered the phone, I told him that I was in a CUNUNDRUM :: I’m into that word lately :: and he asked what was up. I told him about the wiper and he went into If-Theres-One-Thing-I-Know-Better-Then-Food-It’s- Cars mode. He starts talking SO damn fast .. trying to ask me questions that I couldn’t even understand let alone answer and when I was saying “Wait! Wait! WHAT??” he said, “I have to go make a sandwich. If you can get the car home I’ll fix it”


So I just said, “… love ya, bye!” .. and he was like, “.. no, babe.. I have a customer” and I said “.. I know :: you dumbass :: LOVE YOU! BYE!” and hung up.

I’m not a good damsel in distress. When I wanted to learn to drive, my father told me tha tbefore I could get behind the wheel I needed to learn how to fix a flat tire, check the oil, where the antifreeze goes and where the windshield wiper fluid goes.

So unless it’s something dire :: like the time the engine on my red ’84 Datsun 210 blew up with me in it :: I’m okay as long as I can find a Pep Boys or Auto Zone or Advanced Auto.

There was  PB close so I make my way over there.. go in and instead of wandering around the store went up to the Parts desk and asked the guy where the blades were. He asked me what size I needed and I told him I had no clue. He asked me what kind of car I had and I told him a Mercury Sable. He asked me what year and I told him I didn’t know.

He gave me a really strange look and I was like, “Dude.. why do I need to know that off the top of my head when I have it on my registration card.”

In my handbag.

In the car.

Across the parking lot.

Told ya. Me and Dick Tracy.

So I run out thanking God for ponytails and hair bands .. ran back in and told him that it was a 1997.

He punched a few keys on the computer and said, “.. it’s not a wagon, is it?” while make this really contorted face.

“Yea.. I know. I SO do not deserve to be driving a soccor mom car. You should have seen the pick up truck I used to have.”

“Um. No.” he said alittle embarassed FOR ME. ” I just meant that we were out of the wipers for the back windshield.”

I’m too retarded to be embarassed so I told him to just give me what I needed and be on my way.

He got the blades and told me that the service department would install them for free but by this time I just wanted to get the things on and get home.

On the way back to the car, Chief called me and asked me how things were going. I told him I bought new blades :: didn’t tell him that they were 41.oo because I was too embarassed to buy the real cheap ones :: and that I was going to install them.

He asked me if I knew how and I told him it wasn’t rocket science. He agreed. “Yep, they’re pretty easy to figure out because they only go one way”

That is .. of course.. when they aren’t UNIVERSAL and come with enough clips to make the Lego Land desingers in Sweden have an orgasm!

I tried every different way for close to a half hour before I couldn’t stand wet socks and underwear any longer.

Out came the trusty duct tape.. and I was on my way.

When I finally pulled up in front of the shop, Chief came out while I was getting out of the car. I handed him all the little pieces.. PLUS the duct tape and said “YOU FIX” complete with pouty boo-boo lip!

He busted out laughing and the bastard had the damn thing on.. the right way.. in less then three minutes!

Disclaimer: This post.. in NO WAY.. is meant to offend Mexicans, Women or Hairy People. So if you’re ALREADY offended then I suggest you stop reading … HERE. I’m not going to apologize for something I am not doing but if sending hate mail makes you feel better, then by all means…

ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: I’m sorry Goob.. I just had to!!

A few years ago, Goober worked as a bouncer at a pretty well known establishment where he lives. We used to talk every day back then sometimes two, three or four depending on how the day went and if there was something funny that HAD TO be relayed OR ELSE WE’D DIIIIEEEE!!!. Heh!

And on the nights he worked,  I would tell him to 1) Be Safe 2) Stay away from Hairy Mexican Women and 3) Don’t pick up any woman that doesn’t deserve you.

Don’t ask me where I came up with that… my mind tends to produce these random sayings.. but it kind of took on a life of it’s own and would take any opportunity to inject “HAIRY MEXICAN WOMEN” into the convo.

On morning.. when I used to work in the other office before the corporate merge.. I stopped at a local drug store franchise for something and wondered in the Hair Care aisle.

You know those fake pony tail thingies that you use to either make your pony tail appear fuller or if you just don’t have a pony tail?

They had one that was all about being black and nappy with long ass spiral curls… and an idea was born.

I bought it … and when I was in the safe confines of my own office :: with my OWN DOOR :: I unzipped my jeans.. stuffed the pony tail thing down my pants so that this mass of black, nappy spiral curls un-sprung over my open zipper and took a picture of it… then sent it to Goober at work.

I didn’t know that he was going to open it with 5 or 6 people standing around his cube AND I definitely had no way of knowing JUST HOW REAL the damn thing looked.

Not sure but I believe Goob got flustered and tried to close it real quick.. or someone had made a comment or something???? It was a while ago.

I think I took the picture from my blackberry but I can’t seem to find it.. I’ve been through way too many laptops since then so I may have lost it completely.

But… Knowing Goober.. he’ll probably still have it. If he does… I’ll make him send it along!