God’s Plan For Me

Posted: May 2, 2009 in Chief, Just Me
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

… it’s no secret to anyone reading this that I’ve been struggling with some pretty heavy feelings about my relationship with Chief.

Make no mistake. I love this man. More then I thought I could ever love anyone. Sometimes I stare at him sleeping or secretly watch him doing something mundane and my heart flutters and I get this rush of love that envelopes me.

And regardless of how horrible I’m feeling .. no matter mad I am at him or the kids or annoyed or angry or frustrated or feel like throwing in the towel.. all he has to do is so absent-minded and simple :: like draw a heart on my coffee cup:: and he can just turn my mood around.

I both dated and had relationships with other men between my divorce and meeting Chief and although some of them were great :: other’s were just downright freakin’ bizarre! :: no one had ever filled my heart so completely.

Excuse me if I posted on this before but the first night we talked :: for about 3 hours :: I remember asking him what he was looking for, relationship wise. His answer:

Just to be loved

And I knew when he said it.. the way he said it.. that I could do that. That I wanted to do that.

The first night we actually met, I drove to his :: ours now :: house. The boys were home so he suggested we go for a walk and grab a cup of coffee or something.

So I went in and sat down on the couch. He sat on the chair next to me and when our knees brushed accidentally, I could tell that he was nervous.

NOTE: I also caught him staring at my cleavage and when I said Like the boobs, huh? He had the good sense to blush!

He was the first guy that I met who didn’t make me feel nervous.. who I felt immediately comfortable with. No pretense.. no “best behavior”.. I was just me.. with all my dry sarcastic wit and randomness and he loved it. In fact, he was just as random and dry and sarcastic as I was.

While we were walking to get coffee, I felt his hand keep brushing against mine and I told him he could hold my hand if he wanted to. He did and after walking another few feet he stopped.. pulled me towards him and kissed me.

It sounds cliche… it sounds like something from a bad movie script.. but it felt like time stopped. Like there was nothing else in the world but the two of us kissing in the middle of a suburban street.

We may not make out like teen-agers like we used to but I still feel the same way everytime he kisses me.

Okay.. enough tripping down memory lane. But the thing is.. all that means something. How he makes me feel means something. All the good memories in our relationship mean just as much as the bad ones… it’s just that the bad ones stomp on the good ones a lot.

In trying to sort things out in my over-active mind, I made a comment that for whatever reason, God has put me here.  I have a firm believe that nothing is random :: except my sense of humor :: and that I am where I am suppose to be at this moment in time.

I also firmly believe that not only does God NOT give us more then we can handle but He gives us the things we NEED as opposed to the things we WANT.

I don’t profess to know what God’s plan for me is .. only that He has one and my internet angel Auroracoda suggested that maybe I think about why God gave me this relationship and situation.

And so I did. All day in fact and I believe I grabbed onto something that I may have buried deep down in the back of my brain.

Given the way I grew up.. given my first marriage.. I think that I try WAY TO HARD to have things in neat little packages. It’s probably why I rock at being a revenue analyst.

In my first marriage, I had to make all the decisions. About EVERYTHING. Literally.  Big things like what kind of car to buy to small things like what type of deoderant he should wear. Honestly, the man never bought his own clothes or shoes… couldn’t dress himself :: I mean, he could put the clothes on but I always had to pick them out :: .. didn’t even know what size he wore.

I was always the “go to” person.

That goes for my mom also.. after my dad passed away, she needed to make certain important decisions that she wasn’t used to making so she would ask for the Golden Child’s advice :: aka My Brother :: but everything else, she would ask me to make a choice for her.

I didn’t realize it then.. but that’s alot of pressure.

And when my marriage was going south and I was trying SO hard to keep my shit together and cement and mortar the facade .. I would see other couples and wondered why I couldn’t have what they had.

Why couldn’t I have my family over to MY house for holiday dinners? Why would I always be sent on the guilt trip of hell if I wanted to do something for ME that didn’t include my mother or the mindless minion? Why couldn’t I be with someone who wouldn’t tell me to buy my own birthday gifts or Christmas presents because “.. I don’t know what you want anyway” even though you’ve been married to me for XX years? Why couldn’t I be with someone who I could just be me with? Why the hell do I have to feel guilty for liking reality shows for Pete’s sake and NO, I DON’T LIKE GUNSMOKE, DAMMIT!

What’s all this have to do with Chief?

We all carry scars of one kind or another.. we all have damaged psyches to some extent and I think if you’re really honest with yourself I think you’ll find a time or instance where you’re self esteem took a serious blow. And although the new person shouldn’t have to pay for the sins of the old person… they do. It’s unfortunate.. but it’s a fact of life.

NOTE: Sorry for being so long-winded here but everybody else is asleep so this is my quiet time and I’m taking FULL advantage of it

So here’s the thing…

When I met Chief.. and when I knew that I would be a lot more then “very willing” to spend the rest of my life with him I promised myself that I would not repeat the mistakes I made with my previous relationships. I would not sacrafice myself or my likes / dislikes.. I would do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it without guilt. I would be me and allow him to be him.

But old habits die hard and what I’ve been doing is reverting back to the mindset I had when I was married. There’s a fine line between putting the needs of others before your own unselfishly and putting everyone else ahead of you.. if that makes sense.

It might not. It’s late.

This past year and half I was trying to have the perfect relationship.. the perfect house.. the perfect step kids. I’ve been busting my ass to prove to everyone else that not only is MY life better but THEIR life is better because of ME.

And what dawned on me earlier is that I’m trying so hard to prove it outwardly that I’m totally missing that important thing.. and that’s what’s inside.

I honestly believe.. right now.. that God didn’t put me here for THEM.. he put me here for ME. To show me that I am too controlling at times.. and I am more focused on making things “perfect” that I am discrediting what IS perfect.

Chief.. and Bubba.. and Spaz are people. They have personalities and feelings and faults and baggage and damage. They’re not puppies that need to be trained.

NOTE: That would be Ernie, The Terrorist Puppy in need of training

I’m missing compromise. I ‘m missing the joy of time. Chief was right when he said that sitting down to dinner was more important then worrying about the kitchen being cleaned becaues the kitchen is going to be there.. the time spent as a family wouldn’t be.

I was SO intent on being “right” .. that I completely blew off the sentiment of togetherness. Nothing should be more important then the people I share my life with.

To put it simply… Is it more important to spend the 10 extra minutes in the morning snuggling OR using that 10 minutes to get up and make the bed?

I hope you get what I’m saying because for me, it’s almost as if the clouds parted and the angels sang. Actually, it was more like the Wil E. Coyote Acme Anvil falling on my head.

Tonight.. for the first time in a long time.. I feel truly at peace.

  1. auroracoda says:

    Oh sweety, what can I say?

    I know what you mean? Been there, lived that, done it?

    Absolutely, I’ve lived your life, walked in your shoes and am struggling with my own demons. Mine being not the control, but the fear of being left behind. Of not being accepted and loved for who I was instead of what I could do for someone else.

    And I’m a doer. I do for other people. Most of the time at the expense of my own needs.

    And I still get confused or sad when those same people walk all over me. I sit there, thinking to myself…what did I do wrong? What didn’t I do? Was there more I could have done. Do do do do do. Blah.

    I’m slowly learning to not be that way anymore. I learned to say no. I’m learning to rein in my guilt when I DO say no, or don’t offer help.

    And it’s hard baby. Oh how hard it is.

    Thank God (literally) for sending me Bear.

    God has a plan for all of us. We just need to sit still long enough and listen intently enough for him to teach us these things.

    I’m so glad you found peace this weekend. I’m so so glad. And whether you think it or not, you also have been a blessing to me. For quite some time I’ve been reading your blog and gaining strength in the ways that only you can provide it. >:D<

  2. Leese says:

    You know.. I was always Arnold Horseshack in school.. OOOO OOOO OOOO PICK ME PICK ME.. because I wanted to be noticed.

    I had a lot of bad relationships :: the mindless minion excluded :: because I fell for all the lines that made me feel the feelings I desperately wanted to feel.

    I too.. am a people pleaser and would feel incredible guilt whenever.. IF EVER.. I said ‘no’.

    It was one of the things I discovered about myself in the nut house. :: Funny stuff.. I still have to write about that! ::

    One of my deep seated fears when I was a kid and into adulthood was being forgotten. That was one of the reasons why I started to journal.. and then to blog.

    I still have a hard time accepting my good qualities.. that someone would want to be my friend or love me because of ME.

    But I’m getting there!

    And your right.. one of the things that made me turn the corner recently was acknowledging that I needed to “… just sit still long enough and listen intently.”

    And not to sound mushy :: well, I am in a mushy kinda mood :: it really touches me deep down in my heart that I have help you a fraction of how you helped me!

  3. auroracoda says:

    Ohhhhh Horshack…that brings back SUCH memories!

    That wasn’t me though. I was the tom-boy/extrovert anomaly that had a few close friends (boys and girls), was out-going with them and in drama or chorus or during fencing but sat in the back of the class and took up as little space in the hall ways as possible.

    I had my Dad’s love, I had the love of my little brother, I had the attention of my friends, my dog Lassie and the horses. My books took up everything else that was missing. I was always better being on my own than I was in a group of kids.

    But in romance…oh man, I sucked. Boys didn’t start seeing me as anything other than a “buddy” until near graduation. My first date was when I was eighteen and my mother scared him so badly he never called again. (She asked for his driver’s license number, his license plate number, make, model and year of his car with the color and the phone number to his parents home….and she wasn’t kidding.)

    I’ve had my fair share of dates since then and have been engaged twice before Bear…but I never could bring myself to marry them. Somehow, deep down, I knew they weren’t right for me…but also, somewhere deep down I thought I would never find anyone who could love me for me. I thought I would always be alone. Until I met Bear.

    So my transformation is still relatively new. I was always a confidant girl…but a girl all alone nonetheless. And I was cool with that. I didn’t like it…but there’s lots in life you don’t like ya know? And then God gave me Bear…right when I gave up. Weird how that works isn’t it?

    And yes, you do help me. Every day. I actually am restraining myself right now from reading the blogs you posted as I want to save them for work…because I HATE my job and your blogs are my one bright shining point in the day.

    I think, we give each other the strength that we both already have…just somehow forgot about along the way. :)

    • Leese says:

      Let’s see..
      We’re both IT Business Analyst.. who will be losing their jobs.. were tomboys.. had our noses buried in books.. dogs.. horses.. photography.. more dad then mom.. self esteem issues.. self love issues.. same views on faith and God and values and morals.. and.. and.. and.. OMG the list goes on!!

      You know, I was actually conceived as part of twins but my parents always told me that the other baby died before we were born.. hmm.. I’m beginning to think that they sent her to West Virginia!

      No.. actually the other baby was a boy… but talk about a Lifetime Movie! We should write it!! ;)

  4. auroracoda says:

    LOL My sista by another…uh…Dad. Dude, that totally doesn’t go as well as my brotha by another mother. Bleck…whatever.

    AND I TOTALLY FORGIVE YOU FOR MESSING ME IN WITH THOSE WEST VIRGINIAN’S! Even though, as a Virginian…we aren’t really allowed to forgive that…I mean, that’s almost a cardinal rule ok? That’s like being a Redskins fan and at any point in your life…rooting for the Cowboys (GASP). But I forgive you. :P

    Seriously…we should. We could write a screenplay on it. Oh OH OOOHHH!!! I get first pick who plays me!!! I pick Debra Messing cause she is the closest to Lucille Ball I can get and I always wanted to either BE Lucille Ball or have her play me in a made for after school movie. :)

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