I’m like.. steam is coming out of my ears.. Chief and I got into a fight and it isn’t the fact that we got into a fight but his responses to the things I was saying and how he just wasn’t understanding my perspective.. it was frustrating as hell..
I have to tell you that this post is going to be a little helter-skelter. Usually I’m pretty good at remembering conversations and details but this had me so upset that I know it’s not going to be the way it actually was.
It all started because Chief called up and said something like “.. how come your not all giddy and excited to hear from me?” and so I said, “you want to call back?? ?” like, joking around but really, I can’t fake anything y’know?
So I told him that I was a little bit annoyed with him because he didn?t say anything to me about Bubba and his science teacher and getting “in school” suspensions .. and he was like “oh you should have asked me” (last night after I found about it) .. and I was like, “why didn’t you just tell me? ” so then he told me about it and I asked him what happens if he fails 8th grade and then he said that he would have to repeat it cause he wasn’t going to send him to Sylvan again or whatever and then I said something and he was like, “what do you want me to do?” and I said that there’s nothing TO do.. that I think he just needs to fail because that’s the only thing that going to wake him up and oh.. then I told him about what happened this morning and that I’m not giving Bubba the time of day or whatever and he said that he wasn’t getting in the middle of that.. that I was on my own. And I was like, “what? I’m on my own?” and he was like “well, I am” and then I went ballistic ape shit on him. I mean like, how can you say you’re on your own? Then he said something like I had to lighten up .. that all he wants to do is sit down and have dinner with me without me being miserable because every time I come home I’m miserable and he’ll do the dishes and clean the house or whatever.. that he has feelings too.. and isn’t he allowed to have feelings? And I’m like, what about mine? I said that he gets to live in his little fantasy world and the kids live in their fantasy world and in the mean time I have to live in a dirty, disgusting house that even a crack whore wouldn’t squat in.. so once again, I have to bend?
Oh.. and then back when we were talking about Bubba he said something about me taking control or doing whatever and I’m like he doesn’t listen to me.. doesn’t respect me.. the only time he worries about me is when he wants something and Chief was like, “he does the same thing with me” and I’m like ARE YOU NOT GETTING IT?? There’re like that because YOU cave all the time.
I told him that they’re YOUR kids, Bucky.. deal with them!
He was aggravating me soo much that I couldn’t even talk to him.. I hate excuses.. I really do and that’s all he was giving me because he wasn’t getting my point. So I told him I had to go and hung up
He called me a few minutes ago and he was like, “I hate when we argue” and I said I did too and that I didn’t intend for it to be one but he had to see where I was coming from? That it has nothing to do with the house or the kitchen or laundry? That they’re treating him like shit and I can’t stand to watch the man I love being treated that way .. and they’re treating me like shit and if somebody was treating me like shit, wouldn’t he be pissed about it? And then he said that I was putting too much pressure on myself that all he wants is to sit down and eat dinner but I have to clean everything first.. I couldn’t blame him for that right? So I turned it around and said that I can’t sit down and enjoy my dinner while everything is all filthy so if I have to clean up before I eat to enjoy it then he can’t blame me for that, right?
He said, “I’d be lying if I said “no”
And I was like, what the FUCK is wrong with you? IT. NOT. ABOUT.THE.HOUSE! That’s just the catalyst.. but he wouldn’t get it because if he got it then he’d have to face up to the fact that he isn’t raising his kids right. I don’t remember when this happened but I said to him that I give 150% but nobody else wants to meet me half way.. and then he got back on how he would do the kitchen and whatever and finally.. . everything became clear so I said to him, “yknow.. all the pieces of the puzzle fit now” and he’s like WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? And I started to say that I have to give up my dream of being this happy, functional family but before I could get that out he heard GIVE UP and he started yealling NOW YOUR TAKING THIS WAY BEYOUND WHERE IT NEEDS TO GO.. and so then I started yelling.
I yelled, WHOULD YOU SHUT UP? YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S IN MY MIND OR MAYBE YOU DO.. MAYBE YOU’VE BEEN THROUGH THIS 4 OR 5 OR 6 TIMES BEFORE.
He got dead quiet and finally I just through up my hands (figuratively) and said rrrreeeeeeeeaaaaaallllll matter-of-factly “Fine. You know what. I’m done. I’m not talking about this anymore.. I’m not fighting with you over this. I’ll do the laundry and clean and do the dishes with a smile on my face and I’ll be effervescent happy Leese. So you and your kids can just go on doing what your used to doing and I’ll do everything else. So I’m not going to bring it up again.. not going to mention it.. I’m done.
He was still quiet.. wasn’t saying anything .. so I said, “Say ok so I can hang up and go smoke a cigarette” He said ok and then I hung up.
My face is burning so much because I just want to scream and I can’t because I’m at work
There were other things.. like at one point I was like “who’s sticking up for me?” and when I asked him about the time before when he said that I was the only ally he had and I said where’s my ally? And I think what he said was that he was but when I’m miserable..
When I said the stuff to him about hating him being shit on .. he said something like that what good does yelling do.. that he hates yelling.. and I said, “I don’t yell” and he said he was talking about himself and I said something about whenever he had to ground them or beat them with a belt or whatever he feels so guilty afterwards for whatever deep psychological reason he caves..
I also told him that.. yknow, he’s making me out to feel like I can’t say what’s on my mind.. that I’m not allowed to be upset or angry or hurt.. and he said that wasn’t true and I said it was because whenever something happens, you want to put your head in the sand and ignore it and that there was so many times and so many things to say that I didn’t because of the things he had already told me.. so I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.. I didn’t want to sound like everybody else so I have to keep it inside and it isn’t easy .. and he said “nobody said it would be” and I swear I just wanted to reach into the phone and smack him
LIVING ME 101 