My Mind Is The Devil’s Playground

Posted: March 31, 2009 in Just Me
Tags: , , , , , ,

Yknow… it’s kinda one of those thing where when I have too much time to think.. I do.

Like at work.. sometimes the spreadsheets I have to do or the contracts I have to load are so mindless that the devil starts masturbating my madness and I start putting the mental puzzle pieces together.

And so today at work.. when I was doing what can only be described as “arts and crafts” with spreadsheets, I started thinking about this whole deal with the Crack Whore.

To recap, she had to come up with ONLY 100.oo by the close of court today to avoid.. whatever. Jail? I think that’s how it works but going over the conversation yesterday with Chief I’m not so sure now. And let’s be realistic. She can come up with the money.

But I got to thinking… what about next week?

What about the NEXT support payment that’s due that she doesn’t pay?

Is he going to notify the court? Is the court going to take it’s own action?

He his stance is that, in some way, her going to jail will make him look like the bad guy and the thing is? MY thing is.. .why don’t you fight for your kids, man?

The nonsense about not wanting drama… is just that.  Nonsense. Dribble.

Personally, I don’t think he has the heart to do it. Like he doesn’t have the balls to throw her out of the store and tell her that if she comes back he’s going to call the cops.

He let’s her get away with SO much that it’s sickening.

And where do I stand in all this? What’s his responsibility to me?

I wear his ring.. I support his kids… his house.. and I don’t think he wants to see how this all affects me.

Tonight, on the way home, I saw her and the drug dealer boyfriend of the month.. coming out of a parking lot on the way to wherever without a care in the world.

I, on the other hand, stopped in the store.. went to the market.. and had to listen to Bubba and Spazz bickering and fighting over bullshit while making dinner.. found out that they broke my PS3 controller.. vaccuumed the rugs.. picked up after the dogs.. served dinner.. cleaned up after dinner and then started doing laundry again while they all just lay around doing whatever they want.

I’m starting to resent it.. resent everything.. resent having to deal with HER kids.. support HER kids.. discipline HER kids.. deal with HER kids.. while she just does whatever the fuck she wants to do and he doesn’t do a damn thing about it.

I don’t say what’s on my mind alot. When things really start to get to me, I let it just sit in the back of my brain trying to make sense of it. Most times, I’m able to sort things out without giving it life but there are times when I can’t.

I’m starting to feel like this is one of the times that it’s going to come out and when it does, it’s going to have the potential to break us up.

There are things I knew going into this relationship.. there are things that I willingly accepted.. but there are also things that are blindsiding me and the way things are with her are one of those.

He gave me the impression of something completely different and the longer this goes on the clearer the picture becomes.

Somebody has to look out for me.. and if it isn’t going to be him then I’m going to have to look out for myself.

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