Archive for March 7, 2009

Thinking

Posted: March 7, 2009 in Thinking
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When I’m with him, I don’t want to be anywhere else…

When I’m not with him.. I want to run far far away

.. let me start out by saying that I love him. I do.. with all my heart and soul. But sometimes, like now, I think I love him too much.. so much that it’s .. in all honesty.. a detriment to myself. It kills me to write that.. it hurts so much that it’s literally making me sick to my stomach.

You see, it’s all about patterns. The way we inherently are as people.. how we act and react to certain situations.. how big our hearts are.. how selfless we are.. and at what lengths we willingly lose ourselves to the benefit of others… it’s about how much we sacrifice and suck it up not to hurt the one you love or disrupt the proverbial apple cart.. it’s about being scared of changing the pattern.. sticking up for one self and being strong enough to knowingly have your heart broken.

On paper, I’ve invested a lot financially and more emotionally on the promises made during the blissful beginnings of a new relationship. I was finally hearing the words I had been longing to hear during a long and brutal marriage that I also invested everything financial and emotional in. No return on investment there and it took me 18 years to cut my loses.

Although I’ve been fighting so hard these last couple of months to hold them hostage, I’m seeing the same patterns now that played themselves out then. That internal struggle is getting increasingly more difficult to the extent that it’s taking it’s toll physically.. but I can’t help mentally make the comparisons that leave me unable to sleep at night or not break down in the ladies room at work in the middle of the day. I can’t help but struggle with the question of not only DO I.. but CAN I relive that life? Is it worth it? What’s the probability that the leap of faith I took on the promises will come to fruition or land me on my face?

Objectively, the odds aren’t on my side.

Realistically, I’ve taken such a back row seat on my needs and wants that I am probably in the worse financial position I was ever in. I’ve been pretty destitute at times, but then it was only me I had to worry about. Now, it’s completely different. Since we met, I’ve been giving up my paycheck to meet their needs. Mine needs don’t exist.

When we met, I still owned a house. He doesn’t know this but when we met my mortgage was up to date. He needed help and I gave it to the extent that my house was facing foreclosure. In his defense, he was working at a job that paid him hourly and his hours weren’t enough to pay his rent.. or put food in the house .. or gas in his car.

The sale of my house.. for the most part.. went to the shop. My income tax check went to the shop.

Looking at it in print, it’s easy to justify the assumptions from the people who’ve known me longer then he has that he’s with me because of the ease that I provide. With rent.. bills.. the kids. But I have to believe it’s more then that.. if not, then I’d have to really face myself raw in the mirror and I don’t think I’m strong enough to do that. At least not now.

Because if I did, I wouldn’t be the only person that suffers.

The biggest one fooling me is probably myself because I think,, that if everything was true.. I wouldn’t feel the need to lie to my mother about where my money goes.. how much I actually make and how much my income tax returns are.

As major as that sounds.. it’s not the biggest thing that consumes me. Y’know, actions do speak completely louder then words and his actions are a complete 180.

Yes, there’s alot going on legally. Yes, the shop consumes all his time. But now, I feel like I’m just here. I feel like I’m being taken for granted. I should come first.. not the store. I don’t think I’m wrong in thinking that a relationship needs to be worked on and I’m the only one working on keeping it together. But I think he’s the type that would rather blind himself into thinking that everything is okay then really see what’s going on… or ignores the obvious because it’s more convenient then to not.

I’m just looking around at this house… the piles of laundry I can never get ahead of… the kitchen that I can never keep clean.. dirty dishes in the sink that apparently, only I wash… broken down, torn up furniture.. dining room table falling apart.. filthy walls.. stained rugs.. hazardous bathroom.. mess, clutter, dust… and it all doesn’t bother anyone but me and I can’t keep up with everything. Even WITHOUT sleep, I wouldn’t have enough time in the day.

I’m tired of closing cabinet doors and drawers because they’re too lazy to put them in the hamper… picking up crap and litter on the floor because they just walk right over it. Junk all over the place… I feel like Cinderella.

It may have started as a fairy tale but I’m so afraid there will be no happily ever after.. and I get so overwhelmed and so drainedĀ  because nobody listens to me.

All they do is want… want.. want. I have to be there for them but nobody is here for me. How many times can I tell him this and when will I not here “… What more can I do?”

My intuition tells me that this was the problem in all of his relationships and the only reason why he tells me that I’m amazing and the best thing to ever happen to him and the boys is because I just stuck around.

And what does that REALLY say about me?

Yes, there’s alot going on legally. Yes, the store consumes all his time. But now, I feel like I’m just there. I feel like I’m being taken for granted.