Archive for March 4, 2009

The In Laws

Posted: March 4, 2009 in His Family
Tags: , , ,

When I met Chief, he told me that he was the third of four brothers. That his youngest brother was his twin. That his oldest brother lived in the Pacific Northwest and that his parents were divorced.

He also told me that he didn’t talk to any of them.

The last time he talked to his oldest brother was when he was in rehab and was offered the chance to move out there when he was released. He wanted to, but the boys kept him here.

He told me that he didn’t talk to his father anymore because of a very volitale relationship they had which resulted in Chief moving out of the house when he was 15, working 3 jobs to rent an efficiency apartment and still complete high school.

He still had some sort of relationship with his twin but tried to stay away as far as possible because he said that his twin and his wife were condescending and there was a little bad blood between them stemming back from a time when Chief first got custody of the kids and he moved in with them for awhile.

I had briefly met his twin one day when he came to the shop to pick up Spaz and had only recently met his father when he came into the shop.

I’m a family oriented person and have lived life long enough and have been through enough drama with my family to know that sometimes you just need to let bygones be bygones and move on with life.

After Chief was arrested, I didn’t know his father and brother well enough :: at all :: to ask them for money. I figured if it was meant for me to come up with bail, then I would. But the fact that they came up with money based on the word of someone they didn’t really know says a lot about them.

When I got the phone call from his twin saying that he was able to borrow 1000.00 from a friend and I went to pick it up, I couldn’t tell him how much I appreciated it. He said, “.. he’s my brother. Of course I would help.”

That to me, says a lot. Chief can be a real ass sometimes. Especially when he gets on the defensive and I just thought that yknow.. if it was me, I don’t know if I would go that much out of my way for my brother.

I’m glad to say that now, I have a fantastic relationship with my father in law and see my brother in law a lot more. We haven’t went out to dinner or sat around shooting the shit.. in fact, I’ve yet to meet my brother in law’s wife but it just feels good to know that I may be the catalyst to bring this family back together.

Here’s some funny stuffI don’t skinny dip… I chunky dunk

  • Dear IRS: I would like to cancel my subscription. Please remove my name from your mailing list.
  • I only have a kitchen because it came with the house
  • I’m not 40-something. I’m 39.95 plus shipping and handling
  • I don’t have hot flashes. I have short, private vacations in the tropics
  • If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother
  • A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands
  • Born Free. Now I’m expensive.

… so y’know, a big part of being with Chief is dealing with his crack whore ex. I probably wrote about her in a previous post some where back but if you’re just getting familiar with the store of my life then here’s the thumbnail:

Chief married her because she was pregnant. They subsequently went on to have two more kids who may .. or may not .. be his. She has a seventh grade education and never had to work while they were married. All the free time on her hands let to the devil’s workshop and she started doing drugs which turned into stripping, prostitution and an x-rated website. At the time he was working 20 hours a day and 24 hours on the weekends trying to build a business and it was only because he came home unexpectedly one night that he found everything out. She decided she didn’t want to be a mother any more and left. She went on to become deeper involved in drugs to the extent that she was arrested on a felony burglary charge and did a stint in jail.

I’m smart enough to know that that’s HIS side of the story and she more then likely has her own… of which I have no desire to know.

I never place judgement on people second hand and it’s only by the things I’ve witnessed her doing and saying that I really don’t want to be anywhere near her universe. Unfortunately, there are kids involved so there really isn’t much that I can say in the matter.

Would I prefer them not be around her? Of course. She lives in a two room apartment that is paid for by her “friend”, has a boyfriend who is into heroin and pills and at the time Chief was arrested, was staying at her place even though he was a fugitive from the law. She has consistently made promises to Spaz that she has broken and only cares about herself and not the well being of her kids.

She’s been ordered to pay 43.00 a week child support but doesn’t pay anything until the court calls her on it and then she’ll go to the courthouse with a couple hundred bucks in her hand to avoid arrest.

In fact, the last time they went to court in September, the judge told Chief that the next time she doesn’t pay to contact the court and she’ll be arrested. She never did.. and he never did.

I don’t know why.. but I have my own theories that I don’t want to go into it. I’ll only say this.. Chief can be a real pussy about things sometimes and this is one of them.

But the day he was arraigned and she offered to be by my side in solidarity, I knew that she only wanted to know what was going on because she was hatching her own plan. As I said in a previous post, I used her because she knew the ropes and I didn’t.

My feeling was confirmed when we where sitting in the back waiting to get my withdrawal.

That’s a whole OTHER story about why I couldn’t get it but suffice to say that the branch manager really dogged it for me and I was able to get the whole amount.

While we were sitting there, she said, “.. yknow, I’m going to have to go to the courthouse. I already called my case worker about emergency housing but I’ll wait until his preliminary is over”

I told her she had to do what she had to do but I knew at some point, because of this, she was going to try and go for custody.

My suspicions were confirmed later on that night when Bubba said that she was telling him and Spazz that she was “going to get her boys back” and she couldn’t wait until they lived with her. That Chief was going to have to pony up child support and that I couldn’t do anything about it. That she was going to get half the store.

I told Bubba.. and subsequently Spaz.. that basically, she was an uneducated junkie who had no clue about what was going on and what was going to happen.

First of all, their dad wasn’t going to jail. Secondly, even if he DID, then how was she suppose to get child support from a prisoner? Third of all, there is no “half” of the store AND if there was a threat that he was going to jail then the shop would either close OR it would be solely in my name therefore she wouldn’t be entitled to nothing just like I wouldn’t be entitled to be their custodian. The last thing I told them was that if she thinks that their emergency housing would be in a fru-fru neighborhood then she has another thought coming because they would be plucked right in the middle of any number of ghettos.

She’s looking for a payout. She doesn’t work.. has someone else covering her bills and thinks that having the boys means she’s on easy street. This line of thinking torments Spaz.. who is already messed up mentally because of the shit she has put him through in his ten years. Her saying this to him frazzles his brain into thinking that he’s going to lose his comfort.

I have my problems with Spaz but at least I understand why he is the way he is and give him the attention that he has lacked from her all these years.

Things really came to a head a few weekends ago when Spaz was suppose to stay over there overnight and within an hour, he called up to have me pick him up. She started texting me saying that he needs discipline and that that will change soon because there are big surprises in the works.

When we picked Spaz up, you can tell he is tormented. When pressed, he said that she said that she wasn’t going to let a stranger off the street (me) raise them. He told her that I wasn’t the stranger, SHE was and she went off.
This is the same woman who wound up doing shots in the bar across the street from her apartment the first night she had them when Chief was arrested because she “couldn’t take them anymore” and “needed a break”.

So yea.. she’s really equipped to have them full time.

Chief is unfazed by all this. There’s no way, he said, that she could get custody. I told him that up until January 7th, I didn’t think he would get arrested for something he didn’t do and he did.. so I wasn’t trusting anything anymore. AND I got bent that she was saying all this and he wasn’t doing anything like.. say.. contact the court that she hasn’t been paying support.

In my world, if you push me in a corner I’m fighting back. If you try to fuck me then I’m going to fuck you. HE had the means to do it and I questioned him on why he hasn’t. He never really gave me an answer but did wind up filing. Their court date is at the end of March.

What I did tell all three of them was that if she did get custody, then there wasn’t going to be the revolving door like there was years ago. If she had custody.. then she had custody. No “go over and sleep at your fathers” and no phone call saying that she couldn’t deal with them … like she’s called a few hundred times in the path when she had them.. If she was going to have custody.. and if he was going to have to pay support then that was all the money she was going to get. No extra money for shoes, pants, schoolbags, etc.

At least not from my check.

Bubba’s response was “.. why do we have to suffer” and my response was that that’s the way she wants it and to ask her. If she wants to upset the apple cart then I wasn’t going to do the clean up.

They’re both at an age where I believe they would be able to tell a judge who they wanted to live with. I know Spaz would want to stay here. Bubba is another story but he’ll have to understand that once the order is issued, it is what it is and he no longer benefits by living under my room.

I know it may sound bitchy but if she was the type of person who actually DID put her kids first, then she wouldn’t be doing and saying what she is and things would be different. She wouldn’t be trying to benefit from all this. She wouldn’t be trying to use this situation to her advantage.

There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for those kids BUT I’m not going to let HER take advantage of me and of the situation.

Chief may be a pussy when it comes to her and the kids but I don’t have that kind of loyalty or attachment and if she thinks I’m going to lay down and be rolled over well… she really doesn’t know what kind of a person I really am.

First, let me start off by saying that I don’t smoke pot. I tried once when I was about 15 while at the shore on summer vacation and trying to impress the boy who was staying at a neighboring house.

It didn’t go over well and that was my last attempt at experimentation with ANY drug.

However I can safely say that 90% of the people I know.. work with or am related to are 420 friendly.

And how many of those 90% are responsible adults who work and take care of their families and are otherwise law abiding citizens? All of them.

Except Weed. But he’s a whole different ball of wax.

The reason why I’m going into this is because Chief is one of the 90%.

He made it clear from our first date that he smokes pot and if I had a problem with that then WE were going to have a problem because you see… he doesn’t smoke to get blazed or baked or whatever the terminology is. He smokes because it evens out his temper, stops his mind from racing a million miles a minute and stops his hands from shaking. Really bad.

Chief needs it. He needs it because he is a recovering raging alcoholic who at one point in his life was so messed up that it’s a miracle he’s even survived.

When he went into rehab.. about 8 years ago.. he almost died from detoxing. His heart stopped.. he had to be recessitated.. and because his life was the way it was he was suicidal.

He tried killing himself a lot of different way and didn’t succeed because of what can only be described as diving intervention.

At one point he was in a psych ward and the medication they gave him made him worse. He started hearing voices and couldn’t get his mind to stop moving at a million miles an hour.

Marijuana was the only thing that made him feel normal and alleviated the need for medication and basically gave him back his life.

So with all that said… what really is the harm? Marijuana doesn’t make a person aggressive like alcohol does. And as I’ve come to find out, more people smoke for basically the same reasons Chief does.

I do understand the cons against it. I understand the supply and demand and how yes, it is illegal. And if you asked me about it before I met Chief, I would have stood on a soap box and waved the Just Say No flag. But yknow.. there’s more then two sides to every opinion and I really think that marijuana usage falls into a wide spectrum of gray.

When he was in the hospital for his heart after his arraignment, the attending doctor had pulled his medical records and started asking him questions about the drugs he had been prescribed all those years ago.

When he told him that he doesn’t take them anymore, the doctor asked him what he was taking.

His answer? I smoke pot.

The doctor laughed and said, “No, really.”

His answer? “Really, I smoke pot.”

This was also in front of the two officers assigned to guard him while he was handcuffed to the hospital bed.

Chief has never hid the fact that he smokes pot from anyone. He knows why he smokes and he knows how he would be if he didn’t and he doesn’t want to go back there.

So I’m curious.. given my perspective what are your thoughts about it?

There was no doubt that I was being put through the wringer with all this. When Chief and I got together, I knew that being a step-mother to three unruly boys was going to be hard and if you ever say the movie “Overboard” with Goldie Hawn then that’s probably as good a comparison as I can give you.

Unfortunately, I’m not a millionairess like she is in the movie.

But this was even harder on Chief. Not only was he the one that was arrested but because it had to do with his son. The son that he let fool him into thinking that he wanted to clean up his act. I can only imagine the hurt he felt. The feelings he had to struggle with. How one half of him loathes him and the other half loves him. I can’t imagine that internal struggle when faced with the fact that the son you held high hopes for fucked you over.

I wanted to keep the store closed Sunday but Chief wanted to open it.. give him something to do, I guess.. or have a sense of normalcy. So we opened. Bubba was with us and at some point during the day, Spaz called him. Chief told him that he was at the store and I expected him to come right over but a few hours went by and he didn’t.

The crack whore had called the store and Chief went off on her. I can’t remember exactly what he said but do remember him telling her that I was going to come over to get both Spazz and all their stuff and if she gave him a problem then he was going to come over with the police and charge her with kidnapping because she has NO custody rights at all to the kids.

I went over and collected Spaz and all the boys clothes. I knew at this point that she was telling the kids that Chief was going to jail and that she was going to get custody of them and that I couldn’t do anything about it.

This got under both of our skins but she’s an idiot and basically she’s counting on him to go to jail because her having the kids means that she gets more welfare and had already put in for emergency housing when she found out Chief got arrested.

But that’s another post for another time.

When me and Spaz were driving back to the shop, we saw flashing police lights. We pulled in front and here’s Weed outside the store. As I walk up, I shrugged my shoulders as if to say, “… what’s going on” and Weed started saying that Chief assaulted him in the store.

I was like, “.. didn’t I tell you to give him space? The he didn’t want to see you or have you come near him? Didn’t I tell you that I would get you the money you earned working?”

He said, “.. I don’t care about the money. I just wanted to talk to him”

I said, “… but I TOLD you he didn’t want to talk to you or come around. Why can’t you just leave him be?”

The cop asked me who I was and I told him and then he told Weed to leave. Weed gave him an attitude and the cop told him that if he didn’t change his attitude, he would take him in for disorderly conduct.

Weed left and I went into the shop where Chief told me that Weed came in and when Chief told him to leave.. that he didn’t have anything to say to him.. Weed got up in his face and Chief lifted him by his shirt and threw him out of the store and called 911.

All day, Chief was fighting his hands shaking. He was fighting his emotions. He was fighting his mind. And by 5:00 it had taken its toll.

We had to go to a local store to pick up latex gloves and on the way back to the store he was telling me that he couldn’t rest. That he wasn’t able to get his mind to stop racing. That he was afraid it wouldn’t stop.

I had asked him about one of the prescriptions that the doctor had given him and he said he refused to take it. That he was on it before and it made him worse.

I asked about it and he was more then reluctant to tell me. I told him that he could tell me anything. That I loved him but I needed to know what was going on.

He said that there are some things that a person just doesn’t want to talk about. I told him that he could trust me.. that I wasn’t going to think any differently of him. He told me about when things were really bad for him. When he would hear voices telling him that nobody loved him… that nobody would miss him if he died.. that he tried to commit suicide.

He tried to hang himself but the rope broke. He put a gun in his mouth but it jammed. He turned the oven on but nothing happened. He tried running a hose from the car’s exhaust but the car ran out of gas.

As trite as it may sound, he said that he realized there was a purpose for him to be here but now that his hand keep shaking he was scared that the same things were going to happen again.

Honestly, I can’t tell you how I felt. On one side, I was completely sympathetic and just wanted to hold him and tell him everything was going to be all right but on the other hand, I questioned what I had gotten myself into and if I was going to be able to get through it myself in on piece.

I had already been in a marriage with someone who was mentally damaged and even though there is no comparison between Chief and my ex, I didn’t know whether I would have the strength to go through it all again.

He wasn’t stable.. he couldn’t function right. He had difficulties doing everyday simple things. His mind couldn’t focus on anything and I didn’t know what was down the road for us. I didn’t know if the shop was going to be a casualty.. didn’t know if our relationship was going to be a casualty.

This was, by far, the hardest thing I was about to face.