A Year And A Day Ago…

Yesterday a year ago, I moved in with Chief and the boys.

At that time I was filled with the hope and the faith that only niavete brings. I thought that once the boys had a steady, strong female influence in their lives :: one they knew wasn’t going to get going when the going got tough :: then they would want to have this family as much as I did.

At first, I didn’t mind cleaning up the mess they left when Chief was at work. A few times a week he had to work at night and I would make sure that the house was clean and the laundry was done to take the pressure off of him.

I didn’t expect them to listen to me right away… didn’t expect them to see me as an authority figure right away. I really believed that as the days went on and we all meshed together they would accept me in my roll and things would be the way I really wanted them to be.

I never had the opportunity to be a mom of my own. God knew what he was doing because my ex-husband was a maniac but I thought I needed them as much as they needed me and everything would work out.

When we first met, one of the first thing Chief said to me was that his kids would make me hate him and that if I had a problem with them then to take it up with them. At the time, I thought he realized that I was the best thing that happened to him and them and that he wanted me to take that parental role.

Now I realize that he said that because he had been through it all before with other girlfriends who gave up on him because of them and all the stories the kids told me about how this girlfriend was a bitch and that girlfriend wouldn’t let them do whatever wasn’t proof of Chief’s bad taste but how much they pushed these unsuspecting women to the edge.

There have been times when I wanted to just leave… I went through hell with my ex and I wasn’t going to go through it again with a bunch of pigs with no respect for me, their father or themselves. And even though I never hated Chief.. there have been times when I think he needed to step up to the plate with them and didn’t, resulting in me getting pissed off at him.

There’s a saying that I believe to my core is true:

IT’S EASIER TO PULL SOMEBODY DOWN THEN IT IS TO LIFT THEM UP

That’s exactly what they did… my struggle to lift them up to better standards failed yet they won at bringing me to their level of slop.

My house is a pig sty. There’s trash all ove the living room, on the fireplace mantle, empty pizza boxes on the floor, dishes in the sink since last week. I could go on but it’s embarassing that I live like this.

Yesterday at our shop, Spaz was there when I came home from work. He said he hoped the house was clean. Knowing what it looked like when I left in the morning I asked him if he was so worried about it why was he at the shop and not at home.

He changed the subject.

He always does when a subject he doesn’t want to hear about comes up.

When I got home last night and found the house worse then what I left it,  I didn’t say anything. Just went right into my bedroom and remained there to Chief came hom. I thought he would say something about it but he didn’t. So we hung out in the bedroom watching tv and doing bedroom things.

This morning it was the same and again, Spaz was at the shop after I came home from work. He mentioned something about the house again and I asked him why he was so worried about it when it was just as messed up yesterday.

He told me something smelled funny on my jacket. Chief said something to him again about him listening to me but it fell on deaf ears because when we got home and the house had sunk to even lower levels of disgust he went into the living room and started watching tv.

Right now, I’m in my bedroom. I refuse to go out there.. refuse to clean it. I’ll keep my space the way I like it and screw the rest of them.

I used to feel bad for Chief. He works 20 hours a day at the shop and puts in a brutal day on his feet but realistically, no one feels bad for me.

I drive an hour to and from my job… I stop at the shop to pick up dinner and half the time stay alittle bit longer to help with customers. I used to come home, clean up all the filth.. do 4 to 5 loads of laundry.. vacuumed, etc. that used to keep me up to 2-3am more then a few nights a week. On the weekends, I work in the shop most of Saturdays and on Sundays.

No one gives a shit about that. Well, wait.. I can’t say that. Chief gives a shit because he hates when I have to do that but really, who else is going to do it? And when? There’s no help, no cooperation, absolutely no effort on nobody else’s part.

But now I’m not going to worry about it because a year later, I’ve given up on the dream of this being a family. I’ve given up on being the role model and support for Bubba and Spaz. Now, I’m only thinking of me, Chief and our relationship.

Is that wrong? Yea.

But do you really blame me?