Learning Curves

Posted: February 4, 2008 in Old Blogs
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.. so I’m listening to CD1 of Rock of Ages: The Definitive Def Leppard Collection.

“Definitive”! DEFINITIVE! … don’t get too much more defined then that! Heh..

Anyway.. yea. So.. yknow.. after the last couple of days I need to have some eardrum blasting guitar thrashing metal music blaring into my skull.

Oh.. wait. We’re talking Def Lep here. Um.. okay.. well, anyway.. me and quiet don’t get along too well when there’s alot going on in the mental jungle gym of my brain!

The last week or so I’ve been having.. well… wouldn’t exactly call them “issues” at home but more like “adjustments”. Yea.. yea.. that’s a good word!! Adjustments. Like that one.

Nothing bad.. nothing criminal.. nothing borderline grey area.. it just what happens when one girl who grew up with Saturday AM Pledge fests and plastic covered sofas moves into a house so filled with testosterone that I swear my voice is getting deeper and I’m getting a 5 o’clock shadow on my legs!

I’ve been doing my best to just go with the flow and manage the damage … taking enough deep breaths to go comatose and walking so much my ass really should be 2 inches higher… keeping my mouth shut and my brain in neutral. And no matter how much one tries, it’s hard to shake conditioning. But the more I held it in.. trying to just get over my anal obsessive compulsions for cleaning, straightening, laundering, etc. the more my chest started to get tight and the more miserable I got.

I told you before the that devil dances in my head and on top of everything else that’s been working on my brain :: my ex, his ex, my house, the whole situation with the bank, etc. :: I kind of lost my grip on things yesterday.

It was one of those times when I acted SO out of character that the only way to truly understand the “why’s” was to be in my head.

Don’t get me wrong… I love my family. Tim is my heart.. the center of my wacky universe.. and I love him more then I could ever explain, demostrate or even understand. Same with the kids. I generally love them.. more then I thought I could… being with them is the one place my heart truly, truly feels at home.

But yknow.. life is a rollarcoaster and the longer you stay at the peak, the faster you hit the valley and crash.

I crashed.. without benefit of safety gear.. leaving a bloody pool of a mess.

We were able to get the little engine that could back on the right track :: and with better breaks :: but there may have been a crack that developed. For that, I am truly sorry…

Maybe not.. maybe it’s just me being a girl..

I’m staring at a note that he put in my lunch the other day that says, “.. I love you and need you more then air”

He’s my forever.. and I know I’m his.

 

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