I Am A Slut!! I AM A SLUT!!

Well.. according to my buddy Gary over at WideWorldofGary.. I am.

Twist those balls tighter, Horn Dogs.. I’m talking about an AWARD SLUT!

And Gary, being the AWARD WHORE :: his own self acknowledgment :: that HE is offered this up to his blogroll.

You're The Sweetest Award

So I took it .. because.. yknow.. I am a sweetie. I AM!! I AM, DAMMIT!!

And to PROVE to you just how sweet I am, I’m passing this along to all these other sweet people:

Jen512 – because not only is she sweet, but she’s brave an dfunny and smart an512nd omg.. 6′1″!! And she lives in Turkey where.. yknow.. I might wind up on vacation one day!! LOL!!

Booshy - because not only is she sweet, but she IS THE BOOSHY! How can you argue with that? She the chick that if you hung out at a bar with her one night, beer would be coming out your nose and staining your shirt!

Mark @ Nightmare Screenplay – because not only is he sweet, but he comes up with the most bizzarrest .. random-est shit that just keeps you LOL-ing!

JeanHasBeenShopping – because not only is she sweet but she had enough cojones to try an Elvis inspired Peanut Butter / Banana / Bacon cupcake. So if ANYONE deserves an award with a picture of a cupcake on it.. It’s Jean!

Auroracoda - not only is she sweet but she was the first stranger to reach across the internet and slap me upside my head for something stupid.. and I will forever be in her debt! She doesn’t blog much anymore.. being a newlywed and moving to India.. but I know she’s still sweet!

… and to Gary.

Gary already has one but if I could give it to him again, I would!

TMI Thursday: Installment 2

… I think I skipped a week.

Not sure.

But if I did.. I apologize. Too much stuff going on!

Anyway so continuing in the tradition, here’s the next installment of TMI Thursday.

Have to warn you.. this is REALLY TMI so if you THINK you might be the LITTLEST bit offended, then I suggest you stop reading.

RIGHT NOW!!

Okay..

I have this friend Big Al.

Big Al is this flaming, rainbow flag waver wrapped up inside a 6′2″ corporate suit body. he’s my oldest friend and he was actually my go-to guy when I needed a Dago Dong made.

Anyway.. more then a few years ago, he tells me that he had gone upstate to get a tattoo and wound up getting his.. um.. err.. well.. he wound up getting the tip of his dick pierced. I think they call it a “Prince Albert” piercing but what the hell do I know.

Big Al tells me that the husband and wife team that owns the tattoo place are really, really cool people and that they’ve become really good friends and that they were traveling down from upstate to spend the weekend with him.. and HEY! WOULDN’T IT BE JUST FANTASTIC IF YOU GOT YOUR HOO-HA PIERCED??

ME: My what?
HIM: Your Hoo-Ha.
ME: My Hoo-WHAT?
HIM: Your “thing?”
ME: My THING??????
HIM: (totally frustrated now) YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU BITCH!
ME: (hysterically laughing) Ohhhhh… you mean my [edited for content]. Why the hell didn’t you just say [edited for content], you asshole?
HIM: BECAUSE! I don’t like that word.
ME: You have your dick pierced but don’t like the word [edited for content]? You’re fucking weird!

Anyway.. I have to tell you that I never thought about getting my [edited for content] pierced. Never crossed my mind and I wasn’t considering it after Big Al’s suggestion.

But he kept on it and on it and on it and the day before this couple was to arrive at his house, I figured “.. why the hell not.” ‘Cuz.. yknow.. y’all should know that I’m more then a little bit left of center!

He got SO freakin’ excited! He tells me that this couple is all about Mother Earth .. and Pele… and how our bodies are temples to be adorned and appreciated and taken care of.

Y’know, the “New Age” crap.

NOTE: Apologies to any New Agers out there reading this.

To be honest, I just let it go in one ear and out the other. Whatever. He tells me that they’ll come to my house because it has my energy and whatever and I told him that I really didn’t care as long as he was there because there was no way in hell that I was going to let a New Age couple from upstate monkey around my HOO HA!

So fast foward to the next day and Big Al arrives with this couple who looked NOTHING like what I thought they would look. Visualize Ken and Barbie meet the Stepford Wives.

So Barbie starts scoping around my house to find JUST THE RIGHT area with the BEST VIBES and settles on a corner in my living room. She moves my chaise lounge into the corner and starts to cover it with this sheet.

Nope. No way. There’s no way I’m putting my butt on a sheet that I didn’t launder myself. I didn’t know if there were any errant pubic hairs lingering around.

Sorry. Just the way I am.

She was a little put off about that.. but Big Al kind of gave her an eye roll that ALL TOO OBVIOUSLY said, “.. yeah, I know she’s strange but just put up with her.”

Which, of course, caused me to eye roll Big Al.

Anyway.. she ALL TOO OBVIOUSLY deals with it and I get my own sheet to cover my chaise.

While this is going on, Ken is setting up all these candles and lighting them. “This is going to be a spiritual experience” he said.

By that point, I’m really starting to regret the whole thing.

Everything gets set up and I lay down on the chaise pretending like I’m getting a gyno exam. Barbie pulls out a wad of something.. lights it.. and starts waving it over me.. chanting all this shit. The dude is coaching me like I’m in some kind of alien lamaze class “.. clear your mind.. think happy thoughts.. breath deeply.. visualize a warm pool or water enveloping you” .. that kind of shit.

Barbie is still waving her smoking whatever around.. chanting and dancing around like some LSD-tripping Woodstock casualty.

And I’m waiting.. and waiting.. and waiting.. and getting all tense because .. you know.. I’m getting my [edited for content] pierced for CHRIST’S SAKE AND WOULD YOU JUST DO IT ALREADY???????

And he does…

And as God is my witness, I have NEVER felt pain like that in my life. I’m talking like.. WHITE HOT pain that kind of blinds you? That makes your face numb? .. and I have a high threshold for pain but OMG just remembering it is making my eyes tear!

I must have screamed. I can’t see me NOT screaming when something hurt that bad! I do know that being the ghetto kid that I am, I jumped off of my chaise lounge and literally knocked Ken on his ass.

Barbie started chanting louder and waving her burning bush :: no pun intended! :: faster and Big Al was holding me by my shoulders trying to calm me down and I’m all like  WHAT.THE.HELL .. yknow? I told Ken and Barbie to knock off the New Age crap like.. NOW.. because everything in their arsenal wasn’t going to do nothing to “cleanse my chi” ..

To their credit .. or maybe their fright :: hard to know :: they stopped and started putting their stuff away. Meanwhile, I went into the bathroom and did my best contortion act over a mirror to try and see actually just how mutilated I was.

‘Cause, yknow.. I SWORE my shit was left back on the chaise lounge!

But it actually didn’t look so bad. I mean, I kinda dug it.. so I go back out to my  living room all.. like.. I’M SO SORRY I FREAKED.. IT LOOKS FANTASTIC .. blah blah blah…

They said it was nothing unusual .. that they had experienced ALOT worse. Big Al “humphed” at that but he can be an ass sometimes.

Finally they all left … leaving me with instructions on what I needed to do to promote healing :: sorry, but I wasn’t going to boil a rock dug up from my yard and then drinking the water :: and I was left alone with my new addition.

It’s been a few years since I wore “gential jewlery” .. for a variety of reasons.. Some where good reasons :: omg! wink! wink! :: .. some were bad :: how about getting so stuck in lace underwear when trying to use a public toilet that your $850.00 suede stilettos slide off the toilet rim and into the water :: .. some where .. um.. awkward :: crossing legs during a business meeting :: ..

But at any rate .. it was an experience and DEFINITELY qualifies for TMI Thursday!!

 

 

The Prodigal Son Returns

Fuck.

Bubba’s back.

That’s kinda horrible, right?

The fact that I’m not all blowing rainbow farts because Bubba decided that he didn’t want to live with the Crack Whore anymore?

Funny that the day he came to the shop and told Chief that he wanted to move back in was THE SAME DAY that Call Of Duty: Modern Warefar 2 was released, huh?

Funny that he knew we had pre-ordered it and was catering the release party at the local Game Stop and would have our copy at 12:01am.

Oh.. but then, I have a suspicious mind, right? And I’m not SUPPOSE to call him out on his manipulating mind, right? Oh.. and .. and.. because people can CHANGE, right?

The can’t change the fact that they leave wet towels on the floor or leave their dirty clothes within INCHES of the hamper… but they can change their manipulating behavior.

Right.

You know… it must be hard being a parent who wants to believe SO FUCKING BAD that their kid isn’t the way they really are. I would think that… at some point.. the blinders would start to itch and irritate your skin.

But at any rate…

So Tuesday, me and Chief decided to close the store early. We had been non-stop for 2 days getting the house ready for the borough inspection. Ok.. let me rephrase.. I WAS NON-STOP for 2 days. He put one late night in on Monday and then stayed up until 3am playing the new Call Of Duty game.

Once the milk order was delivered, Chief was loading it into the fridges and I was in the back… playing the new Call of Duty game. I hear a second voice and when I peeked out, I saw Bubba.

I went back to playing my round because I really had nothing to say to him.

A few minutes went by and he came into the back of the store and said that he was sorry.

I didn’t say anything for awhile.. didn’t even look at him.. but I knew. I knew at 12:02am that he would show up at some point after school.

So I had a decision to make. Either I try to move things forward or I just foster negativity and resentment.

I was ALL FOR the negativity and resentment but once again, I have to be the adult.

So I told him that I wasn’t going to hold a grudge against him because he’s a kid but that I hoped he learned something out of all this. He said he did.. that it was a dick thing to do :: now.. I’m not sure if he meant the way he acted was the dick thing or whether me taking the cell phone was a dick thing :: I told him that regardless of how much he thinks that we’re trying to ruin his life his father and I are only trying to teach him to be a responsible person because we’re the adults and that’s our job. I also told him that he caused a lot of bad feelings.

He said he knew and then he went back out into the shop to talk to Chief. I heard Chief tell him that he [Bubba] would have to talk to the Crack Whore .. that he couldn’t just go and get his clothes without talking to her.

So Bubba left and Chief told me that he told Bubba that coming back to our house was going to hurt the Crack Whore’s feeling :: um.. noooooo… having to keep paying 43.00 a week for two kids is going to hurt the Crack Whore’s feelings :: but he would have to deal with it because he caused it.

Then he said, “.. I told you he’d be back in 2 weeks.”

Then I said, “.. I told you he’d be back as soon as Call Of Duty was released.”

The he said, “.. oh.”

I told him that he really didn’t believe that the reason why Bubba wanted to come back had anything to do with their living conditions there or the fact that he was completely unsupervised.. or went to school when he wanted to or stayed home whenever he felt like it.. or didn’t have a curfew DID HE?

Chief had the good sense not to try and argue the point with me because he knew he’d lose. But I told him that he had better be damn sure that whatever conversation he had with him included the fact that he wasn’t going to live the same way he was living.. he wasn’t going to torment Spaz the way he was and he sure as hell wasn’t going to live like a pig in my house.

He promised that he told him all that but .. yknow.. he’s fucking delusional too.

So that afternoon, Bubba comes back to the house with his clothes in a white trash bag.

Spaz isn’t too happy about it and I can’t blame him. I’m not happy about it either. Because in the two days that he’s been back, his clothes are still in the trash bag.. only now the trash bag is ripped open so that he could pull out clothes to wear.. he still leaves his shit all over the bathroom.. still leaves piss on the floor… STILL hasn’t had any homework.. still tries to stay up past his bedtime.. still has that fucking mouth on him.. and has just disrupted my house again.

He’s like the fucking pink elephant in the room that won’t go away.

Spaz… who had been doing SO good mentally and behaviorally.. has started to revert back to being angry all the time and talking non-stop and lying about the stupidest things..

And Chief noticed.

The night Bubba came back, we had gone to bed and I forget what we were talking about but I said to him, “.. yknow, Spaz has been really trying hard to do the right things.” and Chief was like, “.. I know. Ever since Bubba went to live with the Crack Whore.”

So today.. when Bubba gets home from school, I’m going to walk him into his room and watch him as he puts his clothes away. I’m going to dog him about cleaning up after himself and will stand outside the bathroom door if I have to inspect the floor for piss after he’s finished.

Let the games begin…

… and bring on the Motrin.

55 gallon drums of it, please!

For Whom The Bell Tolls…

Oh.. and it’s going to toll for Bubba in the morning, I’ll tell you what!!

I didn’t have a chance to go through my emails today .. the landlord is coming over on Tuesday with the county licensing people so I wanted to make sure everything was the way it’s suppose to be.

Anyway.. I got this email about 4 hours ago from Bubba’s teacher:

Hello,

Here is the email that I sent to [Bubba's] mother just a few minutes ago.

[Bubba] had a rough few days to end the week. I am sending you the exact same information that I sent to her since I am not 100% sure who [Bubba] is living with at this current moment in time

[Bubba] had a few incidents on Thursday that I am going to explain to you first. He had an off day in almost every class. His morning started with him showing up late to school. When he got to first block he fell asleep and was snoring loudly. He was finally woken up by his teacher and asked to go out on a pass. She told him to do his work since he has been sleeping and then he could go out on a pass, he got upset with her and didn’t do much work. In his second block he locked another student in a closet and was also found with silly string. There was silly string sprayed all over the hallway before second block…no one saw [Bubba] doing it but he did have a can of it on him (as far as I know no one is making a big deal out of this). He then got to my class (where I actually didn’t know any of this had happened) and he moved his seat away from distractions which I thought was good. The students were then working on some proportion problems and [Bubba] did nothing, even when I did the work on the board he wasn’t doing much. I then caught him shooting rubber bands at another student across the room. I believe his last class was fine.

On Friday we did Fun day so the 9th graders spent most of the day in the gym doing different games. He sat in the gym without a problem. When the students went back to their classrooms for a little before we had a pep rally (it was homecoming) [Bubba] walked into his room and handed his teacher a piece of paper that was covered in brown paint. He told her “they didn’t have any toilet paper in the bathroom” and placed it on her desk. Needless to say she did not find this humorous.

I will say that [Bubba] has been doing wonderful in his afternoon sessions with me (which I had to cancel Thursday due to a meeting) but his effort in my actual class is dropping. He is pretty much doing nothing in my room. I just wanted to keep you updated on what happened because he definitely had a few issues. I am hoping, along with [Bubba's] other teachers, that this behavior does not continue in the future. Let me know if you have any questions.

Nice, right? So everything about what Weed was saying :: that the Crack Whore allows him to do whatever he wants to do .. that he’s on the computer all night.. that he has no supervision, etc. :: is true.

I was over at Bird’s house earlier so when I came in, Chief was already asleep and given the density of his snoring, he isn’t going to retain anything if I wake him up and tell him about the email .. so I’ll tell him in the morning.

I can’t tell you what he’s going to do… I can tell you what he’s going to SAY .. I can tell you how he’s going to go off on a tangent about how she’s nothing but this or that.. AND I can also tell you that he’ll say that to ME but I’m not sure what exactly he’s going to DO about it or what he’s going to say to HER.

I’ll have to update you tomorrow on that..

I’m not going to lie and say that I want Bubba back here. My house has been calm .. and clean.. and Spaz has been actually benefiting from not having the constant torment.

I’m not going to lie and say that I have the same feeling for Bubba that I did before. He’s not my kid and I don’t have to love him. I don’t have to care about him or his needs.

But I will tell you that that isn’t beneficial to anyone.. and because he isn’t my kid, I really can’t say too much about where he lives or what Chief decides :: or doesn’t decide :: to do about it.

If he does come back here.. and if he WAS my kid :: which it wouldn’t be because I would have NEVER let things get so out of hand :: I would take him to school.. pick him up from school and banish him to his bedroom. I’d even camp out in front of it if I had to.. no video games.. on computer.. no laptop.. no fucking nothing. Call me old-school but that’s the way I was raised and I think my parents did a pretty nifty job!

So I’ll just have to go with the flow and manage the damage.. and if it takes me having to run the store so Chief can be home in the afternoons to keep an eye on him then so be it..

Because, after all.. he’s HIS kid.. not mine.

Feel free to comment.. especially if you’re a step parent to a problematic teenager. Is there something more I should be doing? Do I have the right to feel the way I do?

Thinking

… the word “douchebag” coming out of Taylor Swift’s mouth on SNL is just plain wrong!

 

** hilarious monologue though! **

It All Started With A Hairbrush…

See this picture here???

That’s ME… in.. um… 1971??? And no, that’s not a typo, ok? OK? OK??????

Anyway, I found this on Facebook.

Facebook is obviously filled with ALOT of people who think it’s a REALLY GOOD idea to dig through boxes of pictures in their mother’s basement so that they can start a group JUST FOR their KINDERGARTEN CLASS from 1971!!!!

Ok.. so I’m not really that perturbed about it.. I actually think it’s kinda funny since I SO remember the day this picture was taken!!

My kindergarten class (the epitome of child indoctrination of the cult that is Catholicism) was divided between the morning class and the afternoon class. I was in the afternoon class. Probably because my mother knew even at age 5 that I wasn’t a morning person!

Now.. yknow.. since I was soaking in testosterone stew for 3 months before I born.. I was a major tomboy. Scraped knees.. smudged nose.. always climbing on something and then falling off it.. so when picture day came and my mother insisted on putting me in a DRESS… I was SO not in cooperative mood.

And then…

THEN…

She had the AUDACITY to try and attack me with a brush.

Of all damn things… a brush!

She tried to literally brush my hair.

Can you believe that???

BRUSH.

MY.

HAIR?????

What the HELL was she thinking?

Now.. I know my mother was trying to comes to terms with her daughter being a tomboy and just wouldn’t submit to it so she kept my hair long. Long hair on tomboys is NOT a good thing… so when she literally had to force me on the kitchen chair kicking and screaming to brush the mass of tangled knots that was my hair, I screamed bloody murder.

And when I say screamed, I mean S.C.R.E.A.M.E.D

Screamed SO loud that the neighbor that lived either behind us or next door to us :: I don’t remember :: thought something was REALLY REALLY wrong in our house and called the police.

I believe.. since it was 1971.. this was before the 911-era

Do you know how embarrassing it was for my mother to have the police show up at her door because her tomboy daughter SCREAMED at having her hair brushed for a kindergarten picture in 1971??

I’ll give you a hint… PRETTY FUCKING EMBARRASSING!!

After hearing the situation.. and me so NOT seeing the opportunity to bust my parents for being completely abusive for not allowing their 5 year old tomboy to wear PF Flier sneakers or for buying me a GIRL’S bike instead of a boy’s bike.. the cop gave me a stern lecture and stood there watching while my mother just stuck some stupid pony tails in my head.

Freakin’ Dudley Dooright!

So after enduring the three hour afternoon kindergarten class where EVERYBODY had just something to say about my dress and pony tails, my mother AND FATHER :: I so remember my stomach dropping when I came out of school AND SAW THE CAR! :: picked me up.. took me home.. and did THIS to my hair

Look at that BIG ASS SMILE!!!

Now you tell me I wasn’t happier with kitchen scissor chopped up hair!!

 

Ah COME ON!! Where The #$%^ Is My Gravatar?

… can anyone help before I take a thousand straight pins and stick them all into the WordPress main page turning my laptop into a technological voodoo doll?

‘Cause last night I was monkeying around with changing the email address associated with my account and the gravatar (the little picture next to your name) disappeared.

I figured out that the picture is associated with the email address and NOT the actual wordpress account so I finagled some more and got my picture attached to the NEW email address..

A little message said that it was updated and would take .. A FEW MINUTES to take effect.

IT’S BEEN HOURS and there’s still the generic green design box showing.

If I check under the USERS options on the dashboard (where I changed the email address) it shows the correct picture so I don’t know WHAT the hell is happening!!

Any thoughts???

Convos

ME: Hey Spaz.. is that a bug on the floor?

SPAZ: It looks like a dead lightening bug

ME: Can you pick it up for me?

SPAZ: UT-UH!! I’M NOT TOUCHING IT!!!!

ME: You can pick up a half dead mouse and drown it but you can’t pick up a dead lightening bug?

SPAZ: Yea.. pretty much.

ME: You’re freakin’ bizarre

SPAZ: And your just finding that out????

Project Runway’s Final Three

Okay…

If you you haven’t seen the show yet and DON’T want to know who’s going to Bryant Park then STOP READING RIGHT NOW!!!

Out of the five remaining designers, Carol Hannah.. Althea.. and Irina are going to show a collection during Fashion Week.

Christopher and Gordana were auffed.

I have to say, as much as I thought Christopher should have packed his needle and threat A LONG time ago… I kind of feel bad for him. I don’t think I didn’t like him as much as I thought I did…

I felt bad for Gordana too because she has such a sad story filled with triumph.. but yknow.. it’s not Dr. Phil and damn, if sad stories won you things then I at least should be able to open a door on Let’s Make A Deal, dammit! LOL

Out of the three, Irina is probably going to win but I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to see Carol Hannah take it … she’s grown on me and I kind of like her all around general attitude. Plus, she never had formal training so to be THAT good by being self taught then to me, that’s just talent.

We shall see!

Oh.. and btw.. just how bad did Cindy Crawford look! Give up the bouffant girl, this ain’t no Kenny Chesney video!!

Alright.. alright.. don’t all you Kenny fans start sending the hate mail. I KNOW Kenny doesn’t have bouffant hair in his videos .. it’s just a damn reference to his song “The Good Stuff” .. so just settle yourselves down!! LOL

REVIEW: Paranormal Activity

Have you heard about this movie?

I’m sure you did … it was this little scary movie that caught the interest of Steven Spielberg and is SUPPOSE to be THE.SCARIEST.MOVIE.OF.ALL.TIME.

Say that last part like an old 50’s radio announcer. It just has a nice effect.

The premise is sort of a Blair Witch thing… that being the whole movie being shot with a hand held video camera.

The story is about this couple :: of course :: who live in a house and start hearing bizarre noises and stuff. The woman :: of course :: is prone to this kind of thing since childhood but NOW! DAMMIT! she wants to get to the bottom of it! :: of course ::

The boyfriend goes out and buys a video recorder and obnoxiously :: of course :: records everything. Every blessed thing. Which, of course, you have to sit and watch.

It’s kind of like when my dad bought his first video recorder and set it up to record the moon. All night. And then expected us to sit and watch 8 FUCKING HOURS of the moon the next day.

Which we did :: of course :: because you did NOT want to piss off my dad!

Anyway… this movie had SOOO much hype and so we watched it and guess what? It sucked. There may have been a few good moments but they were few and far between.

What killed it for me :: sorry for the pun :: when this little scene where they’re doing some internet research on the exorcisms. I think that’s when I pulled out the DSi and started playing Luxor.

Anyway .. maybe you just need the right movie crowd to get into it. Mine certainly wasn’t like the one advertised. And definitely wasn’t like the one when I saw The Sixth Sense.

EVERYBODY in the theater let out a real loud OH MY FUCKING GOD at then end when the wedding ring rolls across the floor.

But anyway… personally, I wouldn’t waste any duckits seeing it.. but that’s just my opinion!